Harry Potter and the Bride Wars
by mmoondragon
Summary: The Triwizard Tournament forced Harry to be an adult, he could deal with this what he had issues with were the other contracts that this made valid.  Powerful Harry just very reluctant. Rate M just because some jokes can degenerate very fast.
1. Chapter 1

Hi, I hope you enjoy the first part of my new story. Let me say that I am not giving up on my other story, I just need to recharge the creative juices, that and my daughter ran off with my hammer +4 vs. plot bunnies. I am a long time fan of Harry Potter stories but have serious misgivings on the last two books. Ok I won't get into a discussion about the series so here we go with my work. The basic premise is that while I enjoy reading Harry/Harem stories, but they always felt a little off. Yes I enjoy watching our boy Harry getting laid as much as the next man, but what's in it for the women in the harems? How in the hell are they ALWAYS willing to share with ABSOLUTLY NO FIGHTING? Well, actually now that you mention it I did read this cool one where all his ladies were lesbians that just happened to have a thing for Harry... No bad Mike focus on your rant. It really wasn't realistic in that approach either. I mean what are the odds that he would find nine lesbians that just happened to turn straight for one man? Don't get me wrong I still enjoy that story and eagerly await its updates, but let us step back and take the anime approach to the harem problem. I will try not to focus on the lemons for the main reason that I am not experienced at them, insert cherry jokes here. Let the hilarity ensue. By the way if you couldn't guess I am American and if anyone wants to help with the Queen's English please let me know, I kinda suck at Briticisms. On the off chance anyone is curious I am not really intending to bash anyone in specific but if I do I will try to spread it around, yes that means Ron has some redeeming qualities just don't expect a RW/HG, that really didn't make much sense to me.

October 31, 1994

12 Grimmauld Place

Remus Lupin was showing his lone surviving best friend, Sirius Black, the long standing Marauder Halloween tradition,

1. Find a nice quiet place

2. Offer a prayer for the dearly departed of their group

3. Offer the strongest curses imaginable to the traitor in their midst, recently changed from Sirius to Peter

4. Drink everything remotely alcoholic in a two mile radius.

Their quest took them to one of the place neither cared to visit, until Sirius remember one of his ancestors had been a collector of all manner of drink, (translation for the non pure bloods, he was a roaring drunk with a hell of a lot of money). It took them all of thirty minutes to find/break into the Black family liquor vault, over twenty thousand square feet of booze from all around the world ranging from Irish whisky to Japanese sake to Mexican tequila. Never let it be said that the Black family did anything half hearted. After putting a sizable alphabetical dent in this stockpile both were relaxing in the sitting room nursing a few dozen Zima.

"You what know Moony," Sirius slurred, "It's a damn good thing Prongs is dead right now, or Lily would kill him."

Remus shook his head at that remark and instantly started to regret the doing so, "Why's that Paddy?"

"I found something going through Prong's papers yesterday." Sirius started waving said objects in front of the werewolf's face.

"Why were you going through Prong's papers?" Remus asked momentarily mesmerized by the swaying papers

"I don't know, got tired of jogging down to the park, what else am I supposed to do?"

"Don't you raise your hackles at me you old dog, so what did you find."

"Our young Harry has a few marriage contracts." Sirius said as Remus raised an eyebrow.

"Maybe it's the last bottle of Scotch but did you just say marriage contracts as in plural."

"Yep," a proud Padfoot swelled his chest with pride, "takes after is Godfather he does."

"Your right Paddy, Lily would kill him, then you, and maybe me depends on how I beg. So what's the damage?"

"Here read for yourself." Sirius chuckled as he handed the paper over.

"How many is Harry stuck with?"

"At least two that I could find have Prongs signature on them, still have a stack of papers as tall as I am to go through."

"Let's see… Paddy these are wrote on the back of a couple of bar tabs."

"Don't mean it's not legal," Sirius shrugged.

"Anyway it's to a Harmony June, the daughter of one Donald Grainer, I think. It's hard to read with all the grease stains. Why does that name sound familiar?"

"You remember that time we snuck out shortly after Harry was born?"

"You mean the muggle bar incident?"

"That's the one. You remember him now, big bushy haired fellow, easily two hundred fifty pounds of muscle and nearly six and a half feet in height."

"Oh yeah, the rugby fanatic, called him "The Dentist" caused he knocked out so many teeth."

"I think he was some kind of Muggle Lord or something right." Remus grinned as Padfoot nodded, he was starting to enjoy this, "So whose number two?"

"You know that French Auror that Prongs liked to drink with?"

"Yeah, Jean-Claude De Liquor or something like that."

"Well he got promised his daughter for three bags of mixed nuts and one bar tab."

"Are they any escape clauses on that one?"

"He has to be able to resist the Veela allure for some reason, that's just plain silly though, hasn't been a wizard able to resist that in five hundred years."

"Ok, so if the first one's not a witch and no one can resist Veela, so Harry is probably off the hook two times, any more?"

"Got one his grandmother made with the head of the McGonagall clan, the last unwed McGonagall daughter, and the oldest Potter when they both come of age, just some kinda line continuation thing."

"That's three, and four is?"

"Let me see, one to the Zabini family, first born daughter to the current Black heir."

"Two things with this one, the only Zabini kid I know is Blaise and she's a he. Second why should Harry worry about any Black marriage contracts, shouldn't that be your job?"

"I didn't know about the first problem and as for the second, well it's kinda embarrassing." Sirius said hanging his head. "All that time with the dementors kinda did a number on me, you see Mooney I can never father a kid."

"GET THAT DAMN SMIRK OFF YOUR FACE YOU BASTARD." Sirius roared, "It still works, I'm just shooting blanks."

"Sorry," Remus snickered, "I take it that means all outstanding contracts fall to your heir."

"Unfortunately for Harry, yeah that's about it." Sirius said downing the last of his drink.

"Have you got anymore from your side of the family?"

"Nah, but surprisingly one from Lily, you remember her old roommate, Selene Dover?"

"Yeah," the old wolf said fondly, "did you know that she could put both legs behind her shoulders, and she could hold her breath for over five minutes?"

"Wow, five minutes is a long time."

"Would have been longer but she had this thing she could do with her tongue, we had to hid in the one broom closet without a towel," the old wolf sighed as he tried to relive the memory.

"I don't know if I should hate you right now or if I want to hear the story."

"I'll save it for later."

"Deal, anyway she and Lily engaged their kids should either one of them die before they reach adulthood… Lily and Selene die before the kids reach adulthood I mean."

Remus just nodded, "Do you think it's important that Harry's my heir too?"

"You have a marriage contract?"

"Just one, but I'm disqualified due to "my furry problem."

"Who dodged the bullet Mooney?"

"It was between my father and the Bones family, Lupin used to be a well respected name, I just couldn't inherit the family fortune because I'm a werewolf. The bulk of everything is still sitting in Gringotts drawing interest. Harry gets everything when he becomes an adult, along with the hand of one of the Bones women."

"So he potentially has six brides then, unless Harry did something stupid like having an unfulfilled life debt or something. Good thing I wrote Gringotts last week, only way any of these things go into effect is if Harry is declared an adult before he turns seventeen. Then all of them will be null and void."

"Maybe it's the tequila thinking but I hear a but in that sentence."

"Well, it's a minor one; the Goblins had a clause that if he should become an adult before then all of the contracts become active and instantly fulfilled, meaning that our Harry is a groom."

"Why would they do that?"

"I personally think they like messing with humans."

"Won't the brides object?"

"Nah, you know how these things work, our Harry, stud that he is, beds a new one each night and has an orgy with all of them on Sunday, while he's busy with the wife of the day the others are enjoying each other in hot lesbian sex parties."

"I know you were in prison for over a decade, but what world do you live in?"

"Don't worry Mooney, it's not like Harry will ever be declared an adult any time soon, I mean what's the odds of that happening, like a million to one."

Mooney resumed drinking but was unable to shake the feeling that that was possibly the worst thing Padfoot could have said.

-HPatBW-

November 5, 1994

Hogwarts School for Wizardry and Witchcraft

Main Hall

Harry Potter was sitting at the far end of the Gryffindor table, over the last few days he had been shunned and ridiculed for his supposed cheating his way into the Triwizard Tournament. It started surprisingly with the Hufflepuffs, who thought that Harry was trying to steal their time in the spotlight. Next, was the Slytherins lead by Draco; he was surprised that curses had yet to be thrown. Ravenclaw was remaining neutral though no one believed him, they just had decided to sit back and wait it out until something came along to make them pick. The real surprise was his own house, although it really shouldn't have, it was the Heir of Slytherin all over again. This time his so called best friend Ron was leading the charge against him. His other best friend Hermione was visibly torn between the two of them, after the house gave her a choice of Harry and the house; she reluctantly went with the house. There were a couple of dissenters, mostly consisting of the quidditch team and Neville, but for the most part the house's opinion was either he was a no good, lying, dirty cheat or a glory seeking, bastard that wouldn't tell the rest of them how he cheated his name into the cup. Last night had been an eye opener, while he was serving detention for some supposed crime he committed in potions, his house had narrowly avoided casting him out. Their argument was that he didn't possess the courage or honor to be in the house of the lions. The vote had failed by two votes, apparently the twins skipped their detention with Snape to attend the meeting, and how they found out about the hurriedly called meeting he might never know. So he was still a lion by the slimmest of margins, not that he cared much anymore, the whole thing was starting to make him reconsider his choice to enter the wizarding world. He looked up as a regal white bird landed in front of him, Harry was so glad to see a friendly face he failed to note his beloved owl's glare.

-HPatBW-

Slytherin Table

Roughly the same time

"Hello" the Bulgarian seeker said, "Mind if I sit with you."

"Not at all," the dark skinned Slytherin said, "My name's Blaise Zabini, and your Victor Krum right?"

"Yes yes good to meet you, so now do we continue to exchange pleasantry for a while or do we skip to the part where I pump you for information like my headmaster demanded."

"Subtle aren't we Mr. Krum."

"Sorry but the last person I tried to get information from was some twit named Draco, I would prefer not to have another hour long conversation about how great I am and how you think you are my English counterpart."

"Ah, now it makes sense, rest assured if it wasn't for his father, Draco would have been shown his place a long time ago. How the creep got into our house is a matter of great debate."

"So do we go back to pleasantries then?"

"No need," Blaise laughed "Who do you want information on?"

"The main champion first if you don't mind."

"Not much to tell really. Pure-blood, if you're into that crap, hard working that goes with being a puff, reasonably powerful, in the top five of his year. He will follow the rules to a fault, but don't think him that easy; he has the heart of a lion just with more common sense."

"I will have to watch him closely, and Mr. Potter?"

"There we get into several issues. Firstly he's a half-blood, but he's from one of the oldest families, almost so old it doesn't matter what his blood status is. Second, we really don't know the extent of his power, sometimes he acts almost like a squib but then by some rumors he's almost the reincarnation of Merlin. Rumors for both possibilities are numerous."

"Such as?" Victor asked while he studied the raven haired youth.

"Well his grades are mediocre at best, save DADA where he's top of the whole school. The only thing he appears to care about very much is Quidditch, and as far as we can tell it's really flying that he enjoys, Quidditch is just an excuse to fly. That brings me to his first major reason for the power inconsistency thing; he is good on a broom."

"Should I be worried for my job?" Victor chuckled.

"Yes, very much so," Blaise stated matter of fact.

"He is that good?" the seeker said with a raised eyebrow.

"He joined his house team his first year, something that's supposed to be impossible, and he has yet to miss a snitch, the only times they have lost are when he's not playing."

"What does it matter when he joined the team?"

"First years aren't allowed on a team usually for a very good reason. Most of us don't have the control or power for acrobatic flying that Quidditch demands, it takes at least a year to develop. The first time he touched a broom he flew like a professional, when he called it the first time the damn thing answered like a lost puppy. It's not widely known but one of Draco's goons managed to switch several of the Gryffindor's broom for duds. That old thing he had that day was grade four, he still made it work.

"Grade four? Those are toy brooms, they can't go over four feet off the ground. Do you think he was feeding it power?"

"We don't know for sure but he made it fly like a first grade broom without even trying."

"You mentioned that it was the first reason, does that mean there are others?"

"Yeah, last year we had dementors guarding our school from Sirius Black, the escaped death eater. Well the damn things took a liking to Potter, harassed him all year. Rumor is that he learned to cast the patronus charm."

"What's so special about that? I know lots of people that can do that spell."

"How many of those can do a fully corporeal one at age thirteen?"

Victor gulped, "None."

"We haven't even gotten to his choice of friends or lack there of recently. First one is Ron Weasley pure-blood, lazy as the day is long, barely passes any subject, not a bad mind per say but severely lacking in focus, currently on the outs with Potter. On the other had we have Hermione Granger, the definition of anal retentive. She's in the top three as far as grades go for our year, authority addict, she believes the sun rises and set by the will of the teachers. Very sympathetic to Potter, probably has feeling for him but when push came to shove she chose authority over Potter. Rumor is that she and Weasley have a kinda love-hate relationship and it is even money which of the two she will actively pursue.

"Anything else I should worry about?" Victor asked as they watched a brilliantly snow white owl descend and land on Harry's table.

"He doesn't lose easy. Watch him; he could be a dark horse in this race."

The two boys watched for a few minutes as Harry appeared to be having an animated discussion with his owl. Strangely enough if you listened to Harry's responses you could almost hear the owl talking.

"Is that normal for him?" Victor asked.

"Normal is a very relative thing concerning Potter," Blaise shrugged, "we think that his owl is a familiar, but we haven't proven it yet."

"That is impossible; no wizard under thirty has a familiar. It takes too much power to generate the bond."

"If you learn one thing from this conversation Victor, it's that nothing is impossible when it comes to Potter."

-HPatBW-

Great Hall Staff Table

Also about the same time

Albus Dumbledore was in a pensive mood, his favorite student was lying to him and he couldn't figure out why. He knew Harry had entered his name in the Triwizard Tournament, but the boy flatly denied it. He was almost put off his pork chop at the implications this had for his weapon when Harry's owl Hedwig flew in the Great Hall and landed in front of her owner. As always this proved to be a source of amusement for the old man, you could almost see them argue like an old married couple, almost like young Ronald and that mudblood girl, what's her name Hemorrhage or something like that, it was so much easier to just call them boy and girl. If his plan worked the Weasely bloodline would have two new members to help inject some power back into it, now there were possible matchups that he could like. Something like producing a half dozen kids should tame that uppity mudblood, she should really learn her place in our society.

He watched with a twinkle in his eye as the owl berated the young man for some slight he had done. You could almost follow the conversation and indeed most of the Great Hall was watching him with at least mild interest. He had plans for young Harry, if what he suspected was true then Albus had little choice in what he had to do. Young Harry was a soul vessel or a horacrux, a piece of Tom now sat in young Harry. He had done everything he could to ensure that Harry had a proper chance at life. He heard that his family was strict with him but hadn't his own father practiced spare the rod, spoil the child, it couldn't be as bad as young Harry made it seem. Harry was a little small when he got to Hogwarts, but then James had been small for his age. He just didn't want to believe that Harry was lying to him, but the evidence was obvious, Serverus had said that he scanned young Harry's mind and he trusted the reformed man with his whole being. Albus was so preoccupied that he almost missed the Great Hall's doors opening and a troop of armored Goblins walk in and take up positions between Harry and the door. Just as he was rising from his set to find out what was happening and why the ward of Hogwarts hadn't alerted him to the unannounced company a regal looking Goblin walked into the hall looking like he owned the place. He wasn't put off by this display except for one reason; the second the regal looking Goblin walked in his charms professor said a phrase in Gobbledygook. "Ur Cred!"

-HPatBW-

Gryffindor Table

Harry Potter's day just seemed to get worse as it went. His beloved owl came in berating him for not telling him the news. It was taking all his negotiation skills just to keep the irate owl from attacking him. As it was this was costing him an entire tray of bacon just to get her to tell him what was wrong. He was so engaged with the irate bird that he failed to notice what was happening in the Great Hall until a voice behind him said, "Knaadehkc Ruhunat Harry Potter."

Harry turned his attention to the voice and saw an unusual site of a goblin dressed to the nines and two dozen armed goblins behind him. Intelligently Harry responded with a "Huh?"

"Cunno Mister Potter, I don't talk with risyhc much. Please pardon me if my grammar slips," the goblin said bowing to Harry. "My name is Ragnock, and I am the undisputed ruler of the Goblin Nation, and what I was saying was "Greetings Honored Harry Potter"".

"Hello sir," Harry said returning the bow, remembering his manners added "how may I be of service to you today sir?"

"No Mister Potter, it is how the Goblin Nation can be of service to you today that is the question."

"I beg your pardon sir?" asked the confused boy.

"You have my pardon Mister Potter. It is a little known fact that the Goblins will go to great lengths for a price. You, Mister Potter, are the first fewynt to reach that price."

"Fewynt sir?"

"Wizard Mister Potter, fewynt means wizard. I see we will have to have a tutor in Gobbledygook made available for you," The goblin said with a chuckle.

The rest of the Great Hall just stared amazed as a goblin talked to a wizard with respect. They watched in varying degrees of curiosity and wonder as the normally jolly and jovial Professor Flitwick made a mad dash toward the group only stopping to fall prostrate on the ground before the Goblin King.

"Frydejan dra puo ryc tuha du uvvaht oui so gehk, bmayca tuh'd dyga ed uid uh res. E ys rec daylran; rumt sa nacbuhcepma vun rec secdyga." The half goblin said without taking his eyes off the floor.

(Whatever the boy has done to offend you, my king, please don't take it out on him. I am his teacher; hold me responsible for his mistake.)

"Neca so muoym cuh, tuh'd funno Mister Potter ryc tuha hudrehk fnuhk," the aged goblin said fondly.

(Rise my loyal son, don't worry Mister Potter has done nothing wrong.)

"Vydran, fryd ec drec ymm ypuid?" the half goblin professor said as he rose to one knee.

("Father, what is this all about?")

"In English my son, I see you were too busy running down here to beg for Mister Potter's life to take note of the conversation we were having," the goblin king chuckled.

"Yes my king," the little professor blushed.

"Don't worry he's not in any trouble. We have great respect for him."

"No offence sir, but I find that highly unlikely, and to be quite frank, I don't care anymore," Harry said as he laughed.

"What do you mean by that Mister Potter," the king asked.

Harry sighed as he said, "My life just doesn't work that way, and no one is ever grateful for anything. I had a hard life growing up sir; I don't really want to get into it right now but suffice to say people only pretend to like me for what I can do for them.

"Mister Potter if that is how you feel then maybe we should continue this discussion in private. The A-1 customer must be treated with respect," the king said sagely.

"We can use my office father, it's warded against intrusion," Flitwick supplied.

As all parties nodded approval of the plan the lack of attention finally got too much for Draco. "Potter an A-1 customer, he barely has two knuts to rub together. What possible business could you have with him?"

"And you are, meddma puo?" the king asked the blonde ponce.

"I am Draco Malfoy, heir to the Malfoy as well as the Black family, I am heir to the fifth richest family, soon to be the first when I inherit the Black family fortune," the proud pure-blood said puffing up.

Several of the goblin guards were snickering at this point. "What are you laughing at you subhuman cretins?" Draco roared.

The sound of steel being drawn caused the Great Hall to get deathly silent. Without looking around Ragnock said to his son, "Please take Mister Potter to your office Cuh, I will be with you shortly." When they had left the Goblin King walked to within inches of Draco and said in a menacing tone, "Listen and listen well meddma eteud, you and your meddma family are nothing compared to the Potter family, there are several things you don't know so sit down and shut up. Your family barely ranks in the top twenty five families, while Mr. Potter is firmly alone in the first spot by a margin so wide that it might as well be a canyon. I wouldn't count on being the Black heir cause unlike some beings, I make sure my sources are accurate before opening my mouth.

"But that's impossible," a pug nosed girl in green trimmed robes shouted, "Harry ranks at number ten on the richest single wizards."

"Again Fewyntc open their mouths without engaging their brains. That list you speak of is not accurate at all, whoever leaked it failed to note that it only lists Mister Potter's trust vault, his actual total is much higher," the king laughed at the wizards faces. As he was walking out of the hall he stopped and cocked his head to the side and said in a quite voice, "Whoever said he was single?"

Author's end notes:

For those of you who are curious the Goblin language I used was the Al Bhed language from Final Fantasy X. It's not a true language, but a clever cipher that just sounds cool and looks good on paper. I tried to translate sentences beneath the goblin, for those of you who don't know the cipher or don't care the words used are by themselves are;

Fewyntc = wizards

Meddma = little

Puo = boy

Eteud = idiot

Cuh = son

Risyhc = humans

Cunno = sorry

Knaadehkc Ruhunat = greetings honored

Ur Cred = oh shit


	2. Chapter 2

Hi, Thanks for all the support you have shown me, here is chapter two for your amusement. The end of this one has some harsh situations stemming from Harry's childhood, major abuse is talked about, so be forewarned. I will try not to talk about it heavily from this point on but I feel it's part of who Harry is and just how much he has had to overcome. The things that he mentions happening in school are in the books, they might be slightly exaggerated but not much. One more thing, this story will not contain M/M at least where Harry is concerned, Blaise will be explained next chapter.

Disclaimer: I am neither J.K. Rowling nor Square Enix. Damn It To Hell!

Professor Flitwick's Office Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry

Harry and Professor Flitwick had just made themselves comfortable when Ragnock walked into the office. Ragnock looked around at the sparse decoration and smiled when he saw the mountains of books strewn around the room. It gave the impression of a serious scholar while hiding the true warrior at his son's core. He waved the guards to wait outside and turned to the two seated gentlemen. "Again I would like to thank you for taking the time to meet with me Mister Potter. It is indeed an honor to talk to a fewynt that comes close to meeting the Goblin Code of Conduct." At Harry's questioning look he continued, "Mister Potter Goblins in general admire two things Ruhun and Suhao or Honor and Money, there are others, but those are strictly for Goblins in matters between Goblins. You, Mister Potter, have always shown us more respect and honor that we deserve and seeing that you now have the single largest amount of money in the wizarding world, well let's just say that you greatly peak our interest."

"So this is just all about money." Harry said with a huff of disgust.

"Not at all Mister Potter," the Ragnock hastily added, "it's more about Ruhun than any amount of Suhao, you see we goblins have a lot to atone for and most of it is where you are concerned Mister Potter."

"I'm listening," Harry said with some reluctance.

"Our Crysa, our shame, starts during the rise of Voldemort we goblins sat back and allowed countless families to die under that monsters hand. We could have done so much to stop him but we were a divided people and several of our senior managers took bribes to look the other way, we ignored treaty after treaty with various species. We withheld help to the vampires about artificial sources of plasma that could have freed so many of their kind from joining his forces just to have enough to eat to survive. We robbed the werewolves of means to control their curse, we helped fund the laws that drove them straight to that snake faced bastards arms. We helped hunt the last of the Fey, for a few galleons. We helped the wizards buy the land out from under the Centaur herds. We have so much blood on our hands Mister Potter from these crimes that we fear that we cannot gain our Ruhun back," the King of the Goblin Nation said with tears in his eyes. "But I fear we have failed you personally just as much as our brethren. By not stopping that damn monster and his followers when we had the chance I fear we are at least partially responsible for you parents deaths. The inheritance laws that your Ministry passed were used to rob several good people of their family fortunes, one you might know is Mr. Remus John Lupin, son of the late Lord John and Anne-Marie Lupin. Mr. Lupin should have been the heir to one of the eight largest fortunes in the wizarding world, but due to a law passed by your Ministry he could not be the Lupin heir because of his "Furry Little Problem." Your Godfather, Mr. Sirius Orion Black, is barred from inheriting his family fortune because an heir must be able to produce an heir and an overexposure to the dementors renders the victim sterile.

"So why should I trust you now, if your people have done so much crysa?" Harry asked never taking his green eyes off Ragnock.

"I had wished that one of the first words of Goblin you spoke would not be "shame" Mister Potter, but I now see that we will have a longer road to atonement that we thought," the King said bowing his head. "I am currently the first undisputed king the Goblin Nation has ever had, I have personally taken care of the undesirable elements in our government and we sincerely wish to turn our nation around. To understand why we want another chance you have to understand the birth of the Goblin Nation. The birth of my people starts at the same time as the House Elves, Centaurs, Vampires, Veela, and even the Werewolves, indeed all magical races stem from one source, Merlin. Merlin was ancient even before he met Arthur Penndragon, even older than legends say; he was the progenitor of the wizarding race. You see long before the rise of wizards, when the magic of humans was available to all humans, it divided into three tribes, the Warlocks, the Sages, and the Sorcerers. Each tribe was master of one aspect of being, the Body, the Mind, and the Soul; together they did wondrous things, some noble, some horrible beyond belief. Over time the three tribes began to disagree about certain things, in time these disagreements grew into fights, and then war. Merlin, the first master of all three forms of magic, decided that the fighting had to stop. He tried to get them to see reason but in the end they attacked him, in punishment for this crime, he sealed the powers of the tribes in what wizards today call their magical core. He made it so that they could only access their power through certain actions with focusing aids, such as your wands. As time went by some humans lost the ability to harness this inner power, they became what you call Muggles. Each year more and more lost the ability, add to this the fact that some Muggles started to hunt the wizards and you get the very real danger that magic in humans was becoming nonexistent. Merlin had pity for the wizards and took those he could find and trained them in how to properly use their abilities to hide from those that no longer had the gift. Once he had done this he took a vast amount of his magic and fashioned the magic races, to each one he gave a task, we don't know what each race was tasked with, but we just know that we have almost failed ours. The Goblins, Mister Potter, were tasked to protect them and to train them in how to fight. We were supposed to be guardians of more than just the gold of the wizards, we were meant to be your guards until the time came that you could protect yourselves."

"How have you failed sir?" Harry asked with genuine curiosity, "I know several wizards that are great duelist."

"Oh to be young and innocent again," Professor Flitwick supplied, "Mister Potter, I am a master duelist and I can state with great certainty that if I did what I do in a duel when I am in a real fight, I would be dead before it was over."

"My Cur is right Mister Potter, we let the wizards decline in abilities after the last Goblin War, the only reason we had so many wars with your people was to train them, to keep them ready to defend themselves."

"You never answered my question sir. Why are you offering to help me?"

"To be perfectly frank with you Mister Potter, you are as good a place to start as any other," the King said "that and to try and make up for the thing we did last month."

"What thing would that be?"

"Well you see we have a standard policy that every fifth wizard that we deal with we do something "interesting" to them as a matter of principle. In this case, a lowly member of the Inheritance Department got a letter from your Godfather stating that he wished to negate any marriage contracts on you. Everything was going good until the clerk noticed that this was the fifth thing he had negotiated that day, so he added a clause that stated should you become an adult before your seventeenth birthday all contracts for marriage would be immediately fulfilled. Unfortunately when someone entered your name in a contest reserved for adult wizards you legally became an adult last week."

"Well that explains what Hedwig was so upset about this morning," Harry said as it all began to sink in before suddenly roaring, "WAIT WHAT!" Power like the King had never seen before began to fall off Harry in waves.

"You really do have our sincerest apologies Mister Potter, but right now there is simply nothing we can do about it."

"Stop," Harry said holding up his hand, "Did you say contracts as in pleural?"

"Yes," the Goblin King squirmed wondering what his odds of getting out of this alive were.

"How many are they?"

"Six contracts that we know of, but hopefully not all of them are valid."

"With my luck, I don't have a bloody chance in hell of that happening," Harry said slumping in his chair, "So who am I married to."

"Well we don't quite know for sure, we have one of our senior goblins right now getting the eligible girls for you to interview."

"So you mean there is a chance I'm not married at this moment?"

"We don't know for sure, it depend on several things, such as the status of some contracts actually having female members, being the last of their lines, and if you have any outstanding life debts owed to you."

"Mister Ragnock, I have save the entire wizarding world at one point or another," Harry said pointing to his scar. "I am so screwed," he said right before letting his forehead strike Professor Flitwick's desk.

"When you are ready Mister Potter we shall make our way to the conference room," Flitwick said to Harry.

-HPatBW-

Hogwarts Great Hall

Snaggletooth had worked in the Division of Marriages for close to eighty years. He realized that he was getting up there in age, he couldn't see as well as he used to, his hearing was slowly eroding, and he just couldn't quite make the females scream out in ecstasy as often as when he was younger. Ah, good times. 'Now what was I doing?' the ancient goblin thought as he looked around at all the staring meddma credc, 'oh that's right some of the pedlrac were married to the A-1, milgo pycdynt.' The old goblin walked up to a young woman with long silvery blond hair, "Are you Fleur Isabelle Delacour, only daughter of Jean-Claude and Apolline Delacour?

"Non, I have a younger sister, but I am Fleur," the French veela answered.

"So noted, that will make this a little more interesting," he said as he handed her a letter, "please proceed through the door on the left side of the hall and don't open your letter until instructed".

Not bothering to wait and see if his orders were followed, he continued down the Ravenclaw table and stopped at another blond. "Are you Luna Anne-Marie Lovegood daughter of Selene Lovegood nee Dover?"

"Yes sir," the grey eyed girl responded with a curtsy.

"Kuut Milg, ouihk uha," the old goblin said with a smile as he handed Luna her letter and pointed to the door.

(Good Luck, young one)

"Dra cysa du oui Amtan," Luna responded much to the Goblin's surprise.

(The same to you Elder)

"Fa femm taveyhdmo pa fydlrehk oui," he said smiling as he moving on.

(We will defiantly be watching you)

Walking a short distance to the Hufflepuff table he approached a young lady with long auburn hair done in a braided plait. He always thought that particular hair color was intriguing swapping from red to brown depending on the light. "You are Susan Candice Bones, only daughter of Edgar and Erin Bones?"

"Yes," she said with a fair amount of curiosity.

"Do you have any other females in your family?"

"Just my Aunt Amelia."

"Has she ever been married?"

"Once when she was just out of Hogwarts, but Uncle Cecil was kill in the line of duty shortly after they married."

The older goblin just pointed to the door and continued on to the Slytherin table. Some of the smarter girls at the table watched him with anticipation, but strangely he stopped in front of Blaise Zabini. "Blaise Zabini, only daughter of Leonidas and Camille Zabini," Snaggletooth stated without looking up.

"No, I'm their son, and I don't have any sisters," Blaise scoffed nervously at the old goblin.

"I may be going blind and deaf young lady, but this nose is as sharp as ever. By the way you about to start your monthly; you might want to put a pad on," he stated handing Blaise the letter and pointing to the aforementioned door.

The strange little goblin's quest next brought him to the Gryffindor table where he stopped in front of two young women, one with fiery red hair and one with bushy brown.

"Lady Hermione Jean Granger, only daughter of Lord Daniel "The Dentist" and Lady Emily Juliet "Sweet Cheeks" Granger, Duke and Duchess of Gloucester, this letter is for you, please exit through that door."

He stopped for a second before pulling a knife from his belt, with a smooth and practiced motion he sliced his finger open and held it up to the air. After he closed his eyes and hummed for a few minutes he pulled another letter from deep in his uniform. "Ginevra Molly Weasley, daughter of Arthur and Molly Weasley, did Mister Harry Potter save your life two years ago?"

"Yes," the nervous girl croaked.

"Then this is yours, proceed through the door, there is only one more to collect here."

Snaggletooth resumed his march through the great hall mumbling in goblin all the way. He quest finally took him to the staff table where he stopped in front of the gray haired transfiguration mistress. "Minerva Tara McGonagall, daughter of Roy and Maggie McGonagall, last surviving member of the McGonagall clan," the goblin said watching the stoic professor nod her head. "Were you ever married?" he asked and when she shoke her head no he responded, "Then here is your letter please join the others in the next room, you will be informed what your letter says when Mister Potter joins you."

Headmaster Dumbledore interjected quickly, "If it concerns Harry and the other student's welfare, then I feel it is my duty to accompany you Minerva."

"As it is mine," said the large Headmistress of the French School Beauxbatons.

"Well, I'm going to protect one of my badgers and a very good friend," Professor Sprout said laying a hand on McGonagall's shoulder.

"I fear I must then attend to the safety of one of my snakes as well," the greasy haired git added.

They all looked at Headmaster Karkaroff, when he had stood to join them; he grinned and said, "What I'm just noisy."

Snaggletooth just shrugged as he followed them, it wasn't his place to tell them no.

-HPatBW-

Conference room off the Great Hall

Hogwarts School for Witchcraft and Wizardry

King Ragnock, undisputed master of the Goblin Nation was worried, strike that, he was scared shitless. After the display of power Mister Potter had put on in his son's office he was debating raising his status from A-1, the only problem was that was the highest tier they had. He noted that Mister Potter had taken the head spot in the conference room and decided that arguing about it was bordering on suicide. While he could no longer feel the power emanating from the young man, he was certain that the young man in question had not cooled off one bit; he was just set to simmer. The image of calm became slightly surreal when Mister Potters white owl landed on his shoulder and started glaring at him. He noted that Mister Potter remained calm as people filed in the room. His son went to stand behind one of his charges, a blonde dreamy eyed girl, who took a set next to the French champion. The room temperature took a marked decrease when a young man in green robes entered with a letter in his hand. 'Please Merlin, if you have any mercy today, PLEASE let him not be one of the brides.' Next came an auburn haired one, followed by a bushy haired brunette, and a red head. The temperature of the room had not improved much when a gaggle of older ones pilled in and sorted themselves out behind the teenagers. "How many?" came Mister Potter's question, who's gaze had not moved an inch, Hedwig was surveying the room and shooting her own icy glares with liberal abandon.

"Snaggletooth, please explain," the king ordered the aged goblin.

"Everyone with an envelope, sir is your bride."

The two goblins started looking for furniture to hide behind when the temperature of the room suddenly got a full three degrees colder (Celsius). "I count seven envelops, you said six contracts, explain now," Harry said in a voice that was almost devoid of feeling. Ragnock was not fooled for a minute, especially when that ruddy bird's gaze was nailing him to the floor.

"I believe that one of them is a life debt owed to you sir," Snaggletooth added quickly trying to relay respect in his tone, you didn't get to be an ancient goblin by not knowing the direction the wind was blowing.

Mister Potter closed his eyes, but the owl fixed Snaggletooth with a death glare, and asked, "Just one?"

"Yes Mister Potter sir," the ancient goblin responded debating trying to edge toward the door. If they could find anything male to try and mate with that scary owl they might just have an army of unstoppable super owls, as it was that thing had a glare that would make a basilisk greener with envy. He seriously doubted they could even get a Rochester Randy to do it. The Rochester Randy was the single horniest dragon species know, one had actually be caught trying to mount a VW microbus with nine hippies still in it, they didn't even need to oblivarate the hippies, most people chocked the story up to a bad LSD trip.

Sadly for most of the wizards in the room they had Harry's earlier display of power, anyone want to take bets as to who would open their mouth in this situation? Anyone?

"Does your arrogance know no bounds," the greasy haired one sneered. (Anyone not guess him?) "Your little pampered life so difficult for you that you now need all these women to wipe your backside? You, boy, are just as useless as your worthless father."

There comes a time in every goblins life where they know that the end is near, they work hard for that time, they plot, they plan, they dream about the time when they can say without a doubt they have looked death in the face and welcomed him with as a friend at the end of their journey, Ragnock hadn't made that time yet, but he might have just seen the reaper wink at him today.

Harry's eyes were still closed at the moment, but Hedwig's were locked solidly on Snape, who had the sudden impression of being weighed and measured. (Five foot eleven inches tall, 154 pounds, knotty pine with satin liner narrow width) When Harry did open his eyes they seemed to glow with an eerie internal light, Hedwig's normally blue eyes had changed to match her master. "You think you know me do you?" Harry asked the assembled group, "you think you know what my life is like, you think I want a wife, especially one I didn't pick? Let me tell you my life, the earliest memory I have is the time I accidentally called my uncle Da. It was an innocent mistake, I was two and a half and had heard my cousin call him that many times, I looked up at him when he gave me my single slice of bread that I was allowed to eat that day and said Thank you Da. I still have the scar where he rammed my head through the kitchen door. Did you know that until the age of five when I attended school, I thought my name was Freak or Boy, it is still the only thing my uncle will call me. Oh my life was just ducky, bacon slightly over done, I got a beating then locked in my cupboard. When Dudley got a bad grade in school, must have been the freak's fault, let's teach him the errors of his ways, thirty lashes then nothing to eat for three days. Little six year old shit dropped an egg on the linoleum while I was trying to make enough breakfast to feed an army, my aunt held my hand on the hot frying pan till I pissed my pants then I was thrown into my cupboard. Dust on the mantle that was too high for me to reach, I lost a tooth to the broom handle to my jaw. My uncle gets passed over for a promotion, little Freak did something to me, Dudley gains a new punching bag for thirty minutes, then it's my uncle's turn for a hour. Each and every day of my childhood before Hogwarts I am beaten, belittled, and starved, then each night just like magic all the bruises and broken bones disappear. Oh my uncle absolutely loved that when he found that little fact out, gave him a challenge, something to strive for each night."

"Oh I can see the looks of shock on your faces, well at least things got better for "The-Boy-Who-Lived" when he gets to Hogwarts right? Guess again. I will admit I thought it wasn't gonna be too bad at first, that lasted all of ten hours, the first time I meet real wizards and witches I get mobbed, not something an abused child wants let me tell you. The first people I meet my age that can do magic are Draco Malfoy and Ronald Weasley, there are two sides of the same coin for you. Sure ones rich and the other is poor but they both are as arrogant and biased as it gets. Oh sure Draco is the obvious choice for being a jerk with mudblood this and pure-blood are the best that, but Ronald now there is someone on hindsight that I should have know not to trust. The first thing he wanted when he found out my name was to see the bloody scar on my head, like I should be proud of the thing that reminds me every single day that I am just as much of a freak in this world as in the other. Shortly after I get here what do I find? You make the day I lost my parents into the biggest feast in the entire year, did it ever occur to you geniuses that I might now want to celebrate the day I became an orphan, and let's not over look the fact that each and every bloody Halloween I have had in this bloody world something bad has happened. Let's look at my first year shall we, I have to save someone from a full grown mountain troll that one of the idiotic teachers lets in the school. Sure Ronald cast a spell at it, but he stayed as far away as humanly possible and made sure he had a escape route if it all went pear shaped. Then it looks like someone is trying to hex my broom out from under me, did anyone investigate this? How about the time that me and several other students were given detention in the Forbidden Forest while something is actively hunting unicorns with nothing for protection but the grounds keeper and a dog that makes Scooby Doo look like a Lion. And let's not forget the topper on the crap sundae that is my first year here at this school, just who's brilliant idea is it to hide the one thing that Voldemort wanted more than anything else in the world in a school full of innocent children. So I have to face that bastard that killed my parents again, you know most soldiers get at least some minimal consoling when they kill someone for the first time, I didn't even get so much as a sorry our hiring practices are so shitty. So after I kill a teacher by charbroiling him, I get sent back to my personal hell, guess what two weeks in some bastard warns them that I can't do magic while there. Thank you for the beatings that time, they really tried to do their best that time."

"That brings me to second year, which I will admit started off with a bang with the slightly psychotic house elf that seemed to want to kill me to save me from dying. Oh well at least he had good intentions. Did any of the teachers at this insane asylum think that rumors that one of the students was the "Heir of Slytherin" would be something that they might want to put a stop to. Do you know what it is like to be ostracized by an entire school? I do. When push came to shove that year did I have any help in the chamber? No, I have to face a sixty foot snake and a creepy copy of Voldemort again with nothing but a flaming chicken and a three foot sword. Does anyone know how many wizards it takes to defeat a basilisk usually? I do I looked it up, the answer is fifteen adult wizards and that one was only thirteen feet long. So I almost die again at this school, quite frankly I have forgotten the number of times at this point. Again I'm sent back to my relatives house, same treatment."

"Third year was a blast, I don't even know where to begin with that year except to say I have a personal hatred of dementors that I doubt I will ever really get rid of. How the ward of this school let a mass murdered masquerade as a rat for over a decade I will never know. That's not even counting greasy's word that my innocent Godfather is really guilty. Did you know he never got a trial, I do because I looked."

"This year has been just stellar, terrorists at a major sporting event, no quiddich, having a teacher legally cast one of the unforgivables on me and my class mates, having my name put in a contest I didn't enter, almost getting kicked out of my house, and now married to seven women. Let's just look at them shall we, one that thinks I'm a "little boy", one is my best friend that happened to side with our house over me, one that has a crush on "The-Boy-Who-Lived", one appears to be a boy, one is old enough to be my grandmother, another who I remember actively spreading the rumor that I was the "Heir of Slytherin", and finally... I'm sorry I don't have anything against you, I just don't know you. So there you have it my life is predestined to suck donkey balls, so if it's not too much of an inconvenience, Kiss My Ass, I'm leaving this damn place the first chance I get."

With this Harry left the stunned assembly and went in search of something to blow up.

Snaggletooth sighed, "well that went better that I thought it would."

Next chapter: Reactions, Revelations, and Ramifications.

Goblin for fun and profit:

meddma credc = little shits

pedlrac = bitches

milgo pycdynt = lucky bastard


	3. Chapter 3

Author's Rant: Hi again, God you people are the best, I have had so much good feedback, it's humbling. Ok the poll on my website will continue until the next chapter, I must say the results so far are really surprising. Again I am trying damn hard not to bash anyone, except Malfoy, and maybe Ron, but only if it's funny. Anyway, I must confess I only have two brides potentially eliminated, one kindly and the other not so much, she does get better really. If you have any ideas on how to eliminate a girl from the Harem, no killing please, drop me a line, I will give you full credit for the idea. This chapter has some plot in it so be warned. Yes Ron, we actually have a plotline planned, it's not all going to be jokes, just hopefully most of it. If anyone wants to help Beta this thing please let me know, also if anyone wants to help with my Britishisms it would be appreciated. Omakes are welcome, just send it to me and if I can use it I will do so. Thank you for your time and enjoy chapter three.

Disclaimer: Don't own it, wish I did.

Chapter 3

Reactions, Revelations, and Ramifications

Hogwarts School for Witchcraft and Wizardry

Harry stormed through the gates of Hogwarts, just one time he wished his life was at least partially normal. His best friend, Hedwig, nuzzled his ear and tried to make calming noises at her master. "Sorry you had to see that girl," he said as he scratched behind her head in just the right spot.

She gave a small bark of annoyance at the whole affair. She had plans for those who mistreated her master, the entire small rodent population within fifty miles sported white heads from her practice. She gave the owl version of evil laughter when she thought of Vernon's morning stretch each day before getting in his lovely company car; he always gave such a large open mouth yawn. Mahwah Hahahaha. The windshields had been just so much target practice.

"So am I forgiven for this morning?"

The snowy owl just barked at her master and gave him a questioning look.

"No girl, I didn't know I was married."

She shot him a hurt look.

"Of course I would tell you if I was dating someone."

Her gaze changed to a hopeful one.

"No, I am not dating anyone."

She fluffed her feathers at him in what could only be interpreted as an owl equivalent of waggling eyebrows.

"No, I'm not planning on doing that with my wives right now."

She gave him a hard questioning look followed by a slightly upturned whistle.

"Damn it Hedwig. I'm not gay; I do like girls, I just want to choose the girl."

Said bird gave a sigh of relief, she would love her master one way or another, but she had plans for looking after several black haired, green eyed kids in her future. She nipped his ear playfully and tried to apologize to her wizard.

"So any prospects for you girl, found that strapping owl that sets your feathers ruffling."

If an owl could blush Hedwig would have been incandescent. Harry laughed at the shocked look on her face. "I know, little Pig is the one that gets my girl's feathers fluttering."

Hedwig's look could have peeled paint off walls.

"Really, he tried mating with every girl in the owlary?"

"Bark"

"And three of the larger males? Damn that must have been a rude awakening, one minute sleeping the next being buggered by a hyperactive owl. How has he managed not to get killed?"

Hedwig gave the owl version of a snickering laugh.

"Oh well, serves him right."

Hedwig made an agreeing bark.

"So tell me what the latest news is, has Harry3 figured out that HP12 is really the father of Fluff's chicks?"

Hedwig chuckled lightly at her wizard, she never should have told him how much of a soap opera the Owlary really was, and it would have helped if most of the children at Hogwarts didn't name their owl some variation of Harry Potter.

-HPatBW-

The minute that Snaggletooth's comment was made all hell broke loose with everyone yelling at each other. It took Dumbledore a few minutes to restore order before he called for all the students to return to their common rooms while the assembled adults had a meeting to discuss the situation. As the younger women filed out the two other Headmasters took seats with the rest of the staff members. They figured that they could stay seeing as it might affect the tournament. The goblins thought that this was an excellent time to leave as well. As soon as the last of the younger "Potter wives" left, Minerva whirled on Dumbledore and only vast skills, and many, many years of experience saved him from the hex that shattered the wall behind him, he did lose most of his beard but he felt that was acceptable losses given the situation. Minerva stared at the tip of her wand like it was a king cobra. "A blasting hex is a little much even given the situation Minnie, don't you think?" Filius asked from behind his chair.

"That wasn't a blasting hex," she said with awe in her voice, "that was a stinging hex."

"Madam, I have been teaching magic for many years now and that was nothing like any stinging hex I have ever seen," Olympe Maxime offered looking at the partial whole in the wall.

"I wonder," Headmaster Karkaroff pondered, "Have any of you heard of the Marriage Effect?" At the shaking of everyone's heads he continued, "It's an old Bulgarian legend that simply states that should a marriage between two magicals have one with a drastically lower magical rating that the other, the lower one will grow in proportion to the greater, usually the difference is not noticeable."

"So you think my core has grown since I got married?" Minerva asked in disbelief.

"We have an easy way to check," Professor Sprout supplied, "What's your Aristotle Score?"

"354," Minerva said automatically with a hint of pride, it was something every wizard or witch was supposed to know about themselves.

"Very impressive," Olympe said, "I'm a 325 myself."

Squibs were usually a thirty or under, while the average wizard was around 250, and truly exceptional wizards, such as Dumbledore and Riddle could almost reach 500. Most wizards and witches couldn't be tested for power until they started puberty when their magic core starts to stabilize, which explains why magical children are not tested.

"Thank you, not bad yourself." Minerva said doing the incantation over a blank piece of parchment. The crowd looked as the numbers formed on the page, 2, 2, 4, "Well now we see what marring a Potter does for you, you actually decrea..." Snape started to jab but his mouth hung open when a new number started to form, 5.

2245, a number unprecedented in wizarding history, "Did you cast it wrong, Minnie?" Filius asked.

"I have been casting that spell for thirty years, could someone else do it please." Minerva asked in a state of shock.

They performed the spell five times on Minerva and every time it came up 2245, they even tested everybody else in that room and in several other rooms incase it was some residue from Harry that boosted the score. Every time they tried it the scores came out as expected, except for Minerva's. Finally someone asked about the elephant in the room, "If Minnie's score grew that much, what's Harry's score."

-HPatBW-

Gryffindor Tower

4th year girls' dormitory

Crookshanks watched as his mistress came in and flung herself onto their bed. He was rudely shoved off the bottom onto the cold floor only to hear his mistress crying her eyes out. This was something he couldn't let stand.

Girding his loins, so to speak, he jumped back onto the head of the bed and meowed pitiably at her while rubbing up against her arms.

"Oh Crookshanks baby I'm sorry. I'm just hurting everyone today. What have I done to him? How can he ever trust me again, he must hate me now. God I'm so stupid," his mistress told him between bawling her eyes out.

Say what you want about cats, while they are not know to show loyalty too much to humans in general, if they find one they truly like they will, maybe not go to war for them they will at least cause a minor international incident. The only thing Crookshanks knew for certain was that his mistress was having Tom Troubles, whether it was the messy haired alpha or the red headed garbage disposal he didn't know. Silently he prayed that it was the alpha, he liked him, but he felt he just needed to grow a set. He tried some more purring at her and gently nuzzling her but this didn't seem to have any effect. Damn it, since last week she had gradually changed from provider of the food and pettings, an honored position in the cat world, to his mistress Hermione. Well Plan A failed miserably, time to try Plan B, when having female issues get other females to help. Crookshanks left the distraught girl in search of the two females that he thought might be able to help his mistress.

-HPatBW-

Hufflepuff's common room

Susan Bones was also crying her eyes out in the common room, being Puffs and loyal by nature, several random Puffs came over to offer support and assurances. It was the normal accepted way of doing things amongst the badgers and had served them well for many years, even the Fat Friar came over to try and sooth the crying girl. After thirty minutes of her constantly crying, she was finally winding down enough to talk. Connor McDonald, first year, finally got what they thought was the problem out of Susan when she sobbed, "I'm married to Harry Potter."

This caused instant reactions from the Puffs, Robin Green, Sixth year, immediately left to find Professor Sprout so they could contact Susan's Aunt. Hannah Abbott, Susan's best friend, held her in a hug and said that they wouldn't let that lying, cheating, arrogant jerk touch her. This brought a new batch of tears and wailing the likes of which the Badger's Den had never seen. Slowly in between bursts of tears Susan told them Harry's story as he had told it to her and the other wives. When her story was over the Puffs were strangely silent, some were crying, others were holding onto anything that could provide comfort, one first year was looking at his prized copy of Harry Potter and the Dragon's Lord book with disgust on his face. Hufflepuff took a long hard look at their actions, a few who were wearing the Slytherin's badges stared at them as they changed from "Support Cedric Diggory, Hogwart's Real Champion" to "Potter Stinks!" They couldn't get them off fast enough. How had the house of the loyal turned their backs on one who had done nothing wrong? When Amelia Bones entered the Hufflepuff common room, she saw nothing but a sea of crying children of varying ages, quickly she made her way over to Susan and spent the next two hours hearing all about "The-Boy-Who-Lived" and what the Puffs planned to do now. It was a supremely pissed off Amelia Bones that left the Badger's Den vowing to get to the bottom of this debacle.

-HPatBW-

Slytherin Private Dorm Room

Blaise Zabini was having an identity crisis. Normally this happens to all teens at one time or another, but usually not like this. Blaise was pacing in his cell, in Slytherin each student got one of the cells from the days when Hogwarts actually had prisoners/test subjects to experiment and practice on. He was waiting for his two best friends to make their appearance, naturally they were late. Blaise stopped pacing as he heard the usual sounds of Tracy and Daphne entering his cell. "I tell you this would have been the Expo's year if it wasn't for that damn strike," Blaise almost chuckled hearing Tracy Davis get wound up on her favorite subject, Baseball.

"Tracy, we don't even play baseball that much over here," her lifelong friend Daphne Greengrass complained, "Will you shut up about it for two minutes?"

"Oh it's good to see that my crisis rates so high on your list of priorities," Blaise snapped. Unknown to Blaise his normal short crop of jet black hair was cycling through various shades of red.

"Where did you learn the cool hair charm?" Tracy asked, not that she wanted to change her beautiful brunette hair, but Blaise seemed to be doing this wandlessly.

"What are you talking about, I'm having a crisis and you're talking nonsense." Blaise yelled as his voice raised a full octave to a pleasant soprano.

Blaise was starting to get a little self conscious as the girls were staring hard at his chest for some reason.

The girls watched in awe as their friend and first year crush grew a rather impressive set of breasts, C-cups if they were any judge.

"Are you just going to stand there and gawk at me?" Blaise whined, not that he knew that was what he was doing, "I'm apparently engaged to Harry Bloody Potter. I could use your help."

"You're a metamorphamagus," Daphne said in shocked realization, "and you're apparently a babe."

At this moment several things sunk into Blaise's head, he had a high pitched voice, he had funny weights on his chest, and the finisher came when he reached between his legs and instead of a sausage, she found a bun. Blaise promptly screamed and fainted.

-HPatBW-

Beauxbatons Carriage Hogwarts Grounds

Fleur Delacour read and reread her contract looking for loopholes. She couldn't believe her father had sold her, for a bar tab and a couple packs of nuts. She was looking it over for the forth time when one sentence stood out to her, "This contract shall be null and void if the Potter child, Harry James Potter, cannot resist the Veela Allure." 'The marriage contract was successfully fulfilled, so that means…' 'Oh my goddess, I have been insulting the Veela Holy Grail,' Fleur though with shock. It was the one thing that all Veela sought, a man that couldn't be swayed by their very nature. The closest thing she had found so far was that cute red headed man that worked in Egypt with the goblins. Oh this was not good, how could she gain the friendship and love of someone she had insulted at their very first meeting? Fleur though most of the day and night about this problem, she couldn't ask anyone save her headmistress about this because of her Veela nature. The allure had hit her harder than most so the boys at her school constantly chased her and the girls resented her for it. It wasn't like she could turn off the allure; it was as much a part of her as breathing was to someone else. She had lost all the friends she had made in childhood at puberty, and her social skills had taken a hit for it. What was she going to do now?

-HPatBW-

Unused Classroom near the Gryffindor Tower

Ginny Weasley was sulking, that was the only thing you could call it, she was too old to pout and too mature to throw a tantrum, well sometimes that is. She had wanted to go all Goth and brood for a while, but her skin was naturally tan and she absolutely hated the way she looked with too much black makeup, it was too depressing. So it was in this cute sulking state that her brothers found her.

"Why the," one twin started.

"Long face," the other continued

"Little sister?" they finished together.

"Has anyone told you that is really annoying?" the red head sniffed from her transfigured chair.

"All the time," Fred said.

"But we do try," George added.

"To tell them to sod off," together in unison.

"Go fuck yourselves and leave me alone." Ginny huffed clutching a throw pillow.

The twins looked at each other, changed the chair into a couch, and plopped down on either side of the moody witch. "All joking aside little sister what the matter?" left twin asked trying to sound serious.

"I'm bloody well married," Ginny said in a hurt annoyed voice.

"Did our sister really say she was married?" right twin asked his counterpart who nodded, "and have we met this mystery man?"

"Surely not dear brother, she didn't say she was a widow after all."

"It's Harry."

Genuine puzzlement played on the faces of both twins, "And this is a bad thing how? We thought you wanted this you whole life."

"I did, but I'm not married to Harry Potter, I'm married to Harry Potter."

"Gin Gin you do realize that you are actually making less sense that Ron right now?"

"He thinks I'm a twittering fan girl."

"Gin, you are a twittering fan girl, your collection of Harry Potter merchandise is one of the largest know to girl kind."

"But that's just it, "The-Boy-Who-Lived" didn't save me my first year, he didn't almost die to protect me, he didn't laugh at me when I put my elbow in the butter, and he didn't just cuss out three headmasters, four teachers, seven wives, and two goblins.

"What?"

"Care to run that one by us again."

"First year Harry killed a giant snake to save my life, he got stabbed in the shoulder with a fang and almost died. He just found out he's married to me and six other women and was royally pissed, he told Dumbledore, that Frog Giantess, the Russian Bore, Greasy, Sprout, Flitwick, McGonagall, Hermione, Fleur, Blaise Zabini, Susan Bones, Luna Lovegood, and me about his horrible life, before telling all of us to kiss his arse and leaving the room.

"We are so proud of our brother-in-law." Gred said with a tear rolling down his cheek.

"To think that our Harry finally came out of his shell, bloody hell, the little stud got himself seven wives."

"One of them is our little sister."

"True, but can you think of anyone better for her."

"Point to you brother dear, so what's the problem, oh so wed sister, you got the one you always wanted?"

Ginny let out a heavy sigh, brothers, "He sees me as nothing but a fan girl, I want him to see the real me."

"We may have a solution; let's get the Golden Gryffindor Goddesses."

"Who?"

"The chasers chicks."

"Oh, why didn't you say so?"

-HPatBW-

Gryffindor Common Room

Lavender Brown and Parvati Patil were relaxing in the common room and doing their absolute favorite thing in the world, gossiping. They had just dug up some dirt on the snakes, apparently Pansy Parkinson had it bad for a certain third year lion, and hopefully Colin would be susceptible to a little firewhisky interrogation later. (A.N. I said they were notorious gossips, I never said they were good ones.) Their plot of underage alcohol consumption was cut short when they heard a pitiable meow at their feet. They looked down into the biggest, saddest, green eyes they had ever seen. Crookshanks was pouring on the ultra cute, he had found that most young human females would damn near give you anything if the look was just right. "Oh who's a good kitty," Lavender almost purred herself picking the orange cat from the floor.

"How can you think that pug version of a cat is cute?" Parvati huffed. She never liked the damn beast ever since he left her a present in her new pair of trainers last year.

"I don't know, he just has a lot of personality even if he's kinda ugly."

Crookshanks was rapidly getting annoyed, he didn't like what the dark female was saying about him and the left handed complements from the blonde were not to his liking, add in the fact that the bitch couldn't scratch worth a damn and you get a cat on the edge. Besides, his mistress needed help now. Trying one more time to use this diplomacy thing his mistress kept talking about, he got up and meowed at the two girls in an obvious follow me move, they ignored him totally. He tried it one more time just to be sure; nope the dumb cunts still didn't take the hint. Oh well he had tried nice, he really did. With a low growl, he laid back his ears, flexed his claws, and moved on to Plan C.

The Weasly twins had uncharacteristically sprung for the entire house to share some butterbeer, they had made a whole lot of money on some recent bets and decided to share the love, no really they didn't do a damn thing to it, and they honestly just did it to be nice. (A.N. Yeah, I'm typing this and don't believe it myself.) After the seventh years tested and retested the batch for any form of magic, it was declared clean. Much revelry ensued while the twins went in search of their sister, so it was a relaxed group that suddenly saw Parvati Patil being ridden like a bucking bronco by Crookshanks up the girl's dormitory followed closely by Lavender Brown. The air became thick with sprayed butterbeer as people looked at the questionable brew in their hands, needless to say there was a run on bezoars that night.

-HPatBW-

Astronomy tower

Luna Lovegood was doing something few thought she was capable of, having a rational thought process. She knew that Harry was special, she still had the cap from the butterbeer that he had given her last year. Sure she realized that he had just gave it to her because he was trying to hide the fact that he had been to Hogsmeade, but she still cherished it as the first thing that any boy had ever gave her outside of family. She was sitting on the top of the astronomy tower, fingering the necklace, when she noticed something down by the edge of the forbidden forest, Harry was lying on a rock apparently having a nap with his owl. She figured she could do a lot worse than Harry Potter and maybe he could do worse than Looney Lovegood. What had her father always say, "If you want a happy marriage, be a friend first." This sounded like sound advice to her, a husband was all well and good but she didn't have very many friends. If the marriage thing didn't work out she could still have a friend. Yes that sounded good be his friend then maybe this was the way to Harry's heart, the stomach sounded entirely too messy for her taste.

-HPatBW-

Upstairs in the Girls' Dorms

Hermione was still sobbing quietly when Parvati burst in the room with an agitated Crookshanks digging into her bum. "Hermione get this damn cat off my arse," she bellowed. Lavender followed her in clutching her sides laughing for all she was worth.

"Crookshanks, bad boy, you don't know where that's been."

"I do," Lavender said, "Seamus had his hands all over it just the other day."

Seeing that Plan C was working Crookshanks made a flying leap off the girl and landed next to his mistress, he just couldn't let it slide so he had a light smirk on his face.

Lavender, for the first time, looked at Hermione and noticed the tear stains on her cheeks and the blood shot eyes from crying too much. "What's the matter Hermione, you have a fight with Ron again?"

Hermione sniffed a little and tried to but on a brave face, "No, it wasn't Ron, I'm all right."

Parvati momentarily forgot about the smug feline, she smelled good dirt. "So it was Harry then," she said plopping down on the bed next to Hermione.

"Kinda," the bushy haired one sniffed, "I have been a real idiot with him."

"About damn time you realized that girl," Lavender said taking the spot on Hermione's other side, "we all hoped you figured it out before Ron did."

"I didn't figure it out until it was too late."

Needing a shoulder to cry on and seeing that they were the only ones not furry at the moment, she told them about what happened. Lavender and Parvati remained unusually quiet and waited till the end to ask any questions.

"So let's think about this for a moment, Harry is legally an adult, he is married to you and some other girls, and is being kinda bitchy right now. What's the problem? You are married to him, you liked him for years, go for it girl," Lavender summarized.

"But he hates me now," Hermione cried into her hands.

"Hermione, it's Harry were talking about, he's just mad right now, give him some time to realize what he's turning down. Dress up a little, waggle your butt and he'll come crawling back."

"But look at me, I'm just plain old Hermione, he has a freaking Veela for a wife. How am I going to compete with that?"

Parvati and Lavender exchanged a manic grin, this was their first test subject. "Tell you what Hermione, as a favor, we'll give you a makeover."

"Why bother? I'm just a bushy haired nobody, not like any guy will ever notice me, much less Harry."

"Give us some time, you never know, now strip so we can see what we have to work with," Lavender ordered.

Crookshanks curled up on the bed and began to purr, his mistress was finally getting expert help in becoming the female he always knew she could be. 'I love it when a plan comes together,' he thought.

-HPatBW-

Delacour Manor

Southern France

Gabrielle Delacour, age 10, was being slightly naughty, she was looking at the important papers on her papa's desk. Bill. Bill. Magazine subscription. Request for Clemency. So much boring junk. Ooh, a marriage contract, between the daughter of Jean-Claude Delacour and Harry James… **POTTER!** The Delacour daughter was married to Harry James Kiss Me Please Potter! Damn it, how come Fleur gets to marry Harry Potter? I mean I'm just as much of a daughter of the Delacour family as she is… HOLY FUCKING HALLELUIA! I'm married to Harry Potter! Squeee.

Her mother would find her ten minutes later, passed out and clutching the marriage contract for all it was worth.

-HPatBW-

Diagon Alley

Ragnock and Snaggletooth were making their way down the alley to one specific shop. "Begging my King's pardon, but are you stupid or something? I mean going into his shop in broad daylight, he'll kill us all."

"And we would deserve it for how we treated his people, not another word, Snaggletooth, we're here. Wait outside for me, we have business to discuss"

The bell ding politely above the door to Ollivander's Wands, the goblin had just entered when a voice behind them said "Oh my, have you come to finish what you started Ragnock, after all I am the last of my people."

"There is not a day that goes by that I do not regret my actions, old man."

"If it is not revenge you seek, then why enter certain death."

"I have already danced with death today; I do not fear The Reaper, but if it would end my shame, I would embrace him now."

"No, brother I do not think you will face The Reaper anytime soon. I have a feeling why you come to see me today; I met him four years ago. He is something very special."

"I have a feeling in my bones, he is the One."

"The One is an old legend told to the broodlings. I give you that he is special, but I don't think he is the One."

"Old age even blinds your kind brother, I felt his power today, he has been blocked, or holding back, or just lazy, I can't decide which. He made me feel like the old days again, when Honor was more than just a word to throw at the whelps, he made my blood sing, he has the potential for The Staff."

"What right do you have to say who gets The Staff? My people have guarded the secrets of The Staff for twelve hundred years; do you not think I would love to see one in use again?"

"Please brother, I didn't come here to fight, check your stock and see what it tells you."

Ollivander snorted and stalked into his backroom, he stared at the various woods strewn around and the bottles of core ingredients. Lying on the back table was an eight foot length of American Iron Oak, it had been given to him by a descendant from the colonies when the massive tree had been struck by a bolt of lightning over five hundred years ago. Try as he might he couldn't make the wood want to be fashioned in any way. Usually the wood would call to him the dimensions that it wanted to be cut into, this piece refused to tell him, it would just say wait. Today the wood called to him, he slowly walked back to the Goblin King, "You are right, but I fear I don't have the skills anymore to make one."

"Ollivander, last of the True Fey, let this act be my peoples first in making our sins right; we will help you make The Warlock's Staff again."

"When does his training begin?"

"I plan to have a meeting with him and his brides families on Saturday, I hope to begin the following Monday."

"I think you should invite all those who could call him family."

"I know that grin, it is good to see time hasn't diminished your sense of mischief."

"What kind of Fey would I be if I didn't foster chaos wherever I went?"

-HPatBW-

Slytherin Dorms

Blaise's Cell

Blaise woke up slowly, 'damn that had been a bad dream' he thought. Tracy and Daphne were sitting on his bed playing cards. "Got any fours?" the brunette asked.

"Go fish" the blonde said.

"Why are you two playing cards on my bed?"

"You were sleeping peacefully on the floor," Tracy said.

"New question, why was I sleeping on the floor?"

"Because you fainted like a little pussy when you changed into a girl," Daphne said, "Got any twos?"

"Yeah damn it."

Blaise did a quick inventory, two breasts, high voice, missing Adam's Apple, and the twigs and berries. OH SHIT IT WASN'T A DREAM.

"What am I gonna do?"

"Change back," Tracy said, "got any kings?"

"Nope, go fish."

"How the hell am I supposed to change back?"

"How did you change in the first place? Got any jacks?

"No, you did it once do it in reverse."

Blaise tried for a few minutes but the only thing that changed was the shade of her hair slightly. "I am so screwed tomorrow."

"I don't see the problem, you always played for the other team, you just now have access to all the positions," Tracy said laying down her cards.

"Yeah, I mean you like guys, right, well now you have got a stud."

"You think it's that simple?"

"You are smoking hot in that body and you can change it at will, when you figure it out, what's not to work?"

"Fine, how the hell do you wear a skirt anyway?"

-HPatBW-

Teachers' Lounge

Ten P.M.

The female teachers of Hogwarts saw a problem, the understood that given the situation it could be weird but they would be damned if they let it slide. It had started with Aurora Sinistra saying that they had never missed one in five hundred years, to which Rolonda Hooch said it was a crying shame not to use the five cases of firewhisky she had confiscated last week. Irma Pince screamed "Hell yeah," much to the embarrassment of her piers. So the women of Hogwarts, the teaching staff that is, were having the world's first post wedding bachelorette party.

The teacher's lounge was a disaster, Rolanda Hooch, Pomona Sprout, and Charity Burbage were busy dancing on the table, while Moaning Myrtle and the Gray Lady cheered them on. Irma Pince was passed out clutching a bottle of firewhisky, anytime someone made a move to take it away from her she would growl at them. Also a casualty to the war was Aurora Sinistra and Septima Vector, who were going to be quite embarrassed with the position they were in when they woke up. That left Minerva McGonagall, Poppy Pomfrey, Bathsheda Babbling, and Sybill Trelawney doing shots and trying to hold a coherent conversation.

"Fifty five years, I'm fifty five bloody years older than my husband. Roy, I hope your up there laughing you arse off because… because I'm married to another man," Minerva broke down crying in her firewhisky.

"It's all right Minnie, I'm sure Roy would understand, he was such a good man," Poppy said trying to console her life long friend.

"That's right Minerva, we'll fight this thing with everything we got," added Bathsheda, "I am sure we can find some loopholes in the contract."

Sybill had been unusually quiet that night, usually she would predict how many kids the bride would have, how long it would last, or in one case what weapon the bride would use to kill the groom. Tonight she just sat and drank her whisky, "I think you should go for it," she said to the startled trio.

The three semi-sober witches just stared at her, "No, I'm serious," she continued, "I foresee great happiness in your future should you pursue this."

"I'm not chasing after some half grown boy just because you sprout some cock and bullshit prediction," the now angry Scotswoman said.

"Please, I know you think divination is a joke, and I couldn't agree more."

Again the assembled witches stopped and stared at the batty diviner.

Sybill sighed, "Look I have to teach ever blessed little shit that comes up to my tower, in a year I might see one or two with the actual sight. The rest is just bumpkiss, showmanship, and fakery. If the Ministry found out I could do more than the occasional "trance-no-memory" prophecies they would have me with the Unspeakables so fast that I wouldn't even be a memory."

"You've been faking all these years so the Ministry wouldn't arrest you."

"You got it in one," Sybill told Bathsheda.

"So the whole inner eye thing is just an absurd act to hide the real divinations?"

"Damn straight couldn't have said it better myself. It wouldn't be so bad if the Ministry approved curriculum was nothing but crap, it's amazing I can sneak any real divination in." Sybill said as she turned her attention to Minerva, "now Minerva, I'm not one hundred percent accurate but I have a good feeling about this."

Downing three shots in a row Minerva chuckled drunkenly, "What have I got to lose, but what young man in his right mind would take someone like me?"

Poppy spoke up, "Minnie I know you have been using cosmetic charms to make yourself gray headed and a little wrinkly, it's time to let Roy go and think about yourself for once."

"That's the spirit," Bathsheda said, "we have got to do something about your wardrobe, it is so Victorian. What, you never read any of those magazines we confiscate from the kids?"

"Just once," Minerva said, "Usually don't read that stuff if I can help it," she said thinking about that Penthouse she got off of Sirius in 76. Professor Kettleburn took it from her before she finished reading half an article, they never did explain what the whipped cream was for.

"Anyway, let's get your hair down out of that bun," Poppy giggled, "We'll see what the students reactions are in the morning."

Next Chapter: House Elves, Hangovers, and Hotties


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter Four part one

Hi, I still don't own Harry Potter.

I have decided to split this chapter into two parts, it was growing too large to manage like this. I wanted to make a comment about Harry and the Girl's power levels, power doesn't equal skill. Harry and the Girls will have to adapt to the level of power they have, right now they are using far more power than is really necessary, and you will see examples of this as they go on. They will get better with practice. Anyway we have two hidden guests in this chapter PM me your guess and which house you are in and I will post which house wins in the next chapter. Hope yall enjoy it.

-HPatBW-

Ministry of Magic

Amelia Bones was waiting impatiently for the Office of Public Records to open, she had missed it yesterday by fifteen minutes and she was going to be damned before she missed it again. The square jawed witch was tapping her foot as an overweight wizard in a set of black dress robes opened the door. "I need some information on Harry Potter," she said as the chubby wizard slowly shuffled the papers in front of him.

"I'm afraid that information is classified, sorry madam. Next in line please."

Amelia looked behind her and didn't see anyone, "Maybe you didn't hear me, I said I need information pertaining to Harry Potter."

The wizard snorted loudly and blew his nose into a dingy handkerchief, "I'm sorry madam but all information on Harry Potter is sealed by order of the Chief Warlock, you couldn't get that information even if you're the head of the DMLE. I could recommend several good books on him if you would like, I hear Great Wizards of the Light is always popular."

Amelia's temper was growing thin, "I am the bloody head of the DMLE, and I don't want to read any stupid fiction novels, so get off your butt and get me that information."

"What seems to be the problem Mr. Cobblepot," a tall thin man in green robes asked from behind the counter.

"It's just some crazy fan girl asking about Harry Potter, Mr. Nigma."

"I AM NOT A FUCKING FAN GIRL, I AM THE FUCKING HEAD OF THE DEPARTMENT OF MAGICAL LAW INFORCEMENT, AND YOU TWO ARE INTERFERING IN A POLICE INVESTIGATION. NOW GET YOUR ASS ON THE BROOM AND GET ME HARRY POTTER'S HOME ADDRESS."

"Well you're a right rude person. You can leave right now before I call for the Aurors."

"That's telling her Edward," the chubby wizard said, "just because we're clerks doesn't mean we have to take any guff from some strange women."

"Quite right Oswald, if she is the head of the DMLE it's a riddle to me how any crimes gets solved."

"Too right, I mean the Chief Warlock himself sealed the Potter records, you'd have to be one of his relatives to look at his information."

"He's my nephew-in-law."

"Do you think we were born yesterday? We've heard that one thirty-six times last week alone. You'd need a goblin sealed letter for that."

The two clerks smiled as Amelia stormed out of the office. "Its days like this that makes me glad to be in civil service," Mr. Cobblepot said as Mr. Nigma nodded next to him.

-HPatBW-

Slytherin Dorms

"Blaise, please remember what we said," an irritated Daphne said, "A lady always sits with her knees together."

"But that'll pinch my balls," Blaise argued. She was sitting on her bed in a crossed leg position, consequently flashing the two exacerbated girls in front of her.

"What balls?" Tracy asked trying hard not to stare between the girl's legs.

"I had them just a minute ago."

"Oh come on, you haven't been able to stay a guy for more than a minute at a time. Someone is bound to notice the difference."

"I'm getting better."

"Sure you are?" Daphne sneered, "Harry Potter in wet quidditch pants."

Boing

Pop

"Get down!" screamed Daphne as she pushed Tracy to the floor.

Bing

Bing

Bing

Smash

"Damn it. I lost another button."

"Everyone alright?" the Blonde asked.

"Mphm," Tracy said from between Daphne's cleavage

"Sorry, about that," Daphne said releasing her hold on the brunette.

"No worries, just warn a girl before you plunge me into the mountains again," Tracy blushed.

"Did you have to do that?" Blaise complained.

"Yes, every time someone mentions Harry Potter your boobs get bigger. You just shot from a B cup to a double D that time, you got it bad girl."

"What am I gonna do, I'm nothing but a freak."

Both full time girls quickly embraced the neo girl, "You are not a freak, you're still our friend and were going to stick with you through this."

"Really?" Blaise asked fighting back tears.

"Damn straight," Daphne said striking a dramatic pose with her fist in the air, "Slytherin girls watch out for each other."

"What she said," Tracy agreed as her stomach announced the time, "Can we please go and get something to eat now?"

"You wish. Snape called a house meeting for some odd reason," Daphne grinned, "Come on lets get a good seat. It might just be about our neo girl here."

-HPatBW-

Teacher's lounge

The house elves feared everyone was dead as they surveyed the teachers lounge. Bodies were strewn everywhere, some were lying over chairs, a couple were piled on the table, some where in a heap on the floor, and two were apparently using each other's laps as pillows. The only thing that stopped them from panicking was the fact that some of the bodies were snoring. They knew what to do now, they started checking The List.

More than five bodies… check

Several nude bodies… check

More than three in compromising positions… check

Inability to rouse said people… check

Large quantities of empty alcoholic beverages… check

Initiate Protocol C Level H

The house elves watched as one of their number entered in a full body radiation suit. He had a long pair of tongs holding vial that looked like it was meant to carry nuclear waste. He was followed by two more elves clad in radiation suits. Behind them came another elf with a tray with ten mugs, there was no cream or sugar on the tray. Behind this processional were ten house elves carrying buckets of water. The lead elf stopped and after making sure the remaining elves in the room were as far back as possible let one of the other suited elves slowly and with great caution unscrew the top. The elf with the lid slowly backed up leaving another elf to slowly pour ten mugs of steaming black liquid from the vial. He took great pains to make sure not a single drop was spilt of the inky black liquid, which would have been disastrous. One the liquid made it safely into the mugs, the elves breathed a sigh of relief. Phase one was completed. On to phase two.

Ten elves took the mugs and with careful deliberate motions took up positions beside each of the women. Ten more came out with the ten large buckets of water which they sat in front of the witches. The mug carriers proceeded to pinch the noses of said witches and poured some of the obsidian liquid down each of the witches' throats. The elves slowly let go of the witches and with as much haste as they could manage while carrying volatile liquids, took cover.

The reaction took a few seconds to build, slowly steam started rising from the women's ears, and then with a burst of energy they screamed and plunged their heads into the buckets of water.

The head elf counted to fifteen and then signaled for the elves to pull the women up from the water. After checking vital signs and making sure they were all ok, the old elf nodded and they all left the room so the witches could sort themselves out.

-HPatBW-

Hufflepuff Common room

The badgers thought about how to handle the whole Potter situation all night long and had come to a consensus. The first thing young badgers learn is that they are not the cast offs everyone says they are. They are taught that Hufflepuff is the house of good honest work, they might not be as flashy as a Gryffindor, as smart as a Ravenclaw, or as sneaky as a Slytherin, but they were the driving force behind the wizarding world. While the other houses led, planned, or plotted things the Puffs simply rolled up their sleeves and did the job asked of them. When they were presented with the reality of what Harry had been through they were shocked, here was a student that exemplified one of their guiding principles. Don't bitch about it, just get it done. Looking back they realized that Harry took far more shit than he ever bitched about and boy did he have reason to bitch. When push came to shove he was loyal to his friends almost to a fault backing them up almost at the cost of his life. Yep, Harry Potter was a born Puff, he just didn't know it yet. So the House of the Loyal decided it was time that his adopted house came to his rescue. God help Harry.

-HPatBW-

Slytherin Common room

Snape watched as the last of his charges filed into the common room, a house meeting was unusual but not unheard of. As the mass of young snakes began to settle he cleared his throat calling a stop to all discussion. "I have called you here to let you know that I will not tolerate any attacks on the Potter brat. You are to leave him strictly alone, unless you have legitimate business with him. The usual situation is in flux right now so you will do the Slytherin was and watch, learn, and use what is happening to your advantage. We are the house of the cunning, we are the ones that guide the world from the shadows while the stupid Lions roar impotently from their so called places of leadership. We are the ones that make fortunes while the Badgers slave away for knuts. We are the ones that see the true brilliance in ideas while the Ravens loose themselves to their books. We are Slytherin, we are THE BEST."

As Snape turned to leave he failed to notice a whispered conversation between four of his snakes.

-HPatBW-

Gryffindor Tower

4th year girls' dorm

Lavender Brown and Parvati Patil were inwardly screaming at the injustice of it all, they had spent three years with their bushy haired roommate and never had they dreamed that she hid such potential. Her mane of brunette hair was finally tamed and flowing in beautiful waves off her shoulders after three hours of various spells, techniques, gels, sprays, two broken brushes, and one afro pick, they had no idea where the pick came from but it helped immensely. They had shrunk her school uniforms and now they fit her like a second skin and showed off the muscles that she had gained from toting a thirty kilo book bag wherever she went. Lavender and Parvati had realized that they had unknowingly stumbled upon a diamond in the rough in the formerly bushy haired bookworm. Oh this morning was going to be fun.

"I can't believe you did that, I don't have any cloths that fit me anymore."

"What's not to believe? You needed something to spice up those drab oversized jumpers you always wear, besides you look good." Lavender said.

"Do you really think I look good?" the Gryffindor know-it-all asked.

"Hermione, we saw you change and we can barely believe it ourselves."

"Yeah," Parvati exclaimed, "you could have any boy in the school after our makeover."

"That's just it, I don't want any boy. I want my Harry back."

"Oh don't worry, you're his best friend. Show a little tit, shake that bum and I'm sure he'll forgive you."

"I hope your right, it's kind of hard to breath in this," Hermione whined.

"Oh don't worry so much," Lavender said, "Beauty takes pain and sacrifice."

"Does that include my ability to breath?"

"Yes," chorused the two girls.

-HPatBW-

Fifth Floor Boys' Bathroom

Dean, Seamus, and Ron were smoking in the Boy's Room. "So how far did you get with Parvati the other day?" Dean asked after taking a long drag.

"Almost got her convinced to let me eat her out?"

"Whatcha mean?" a curious Ron asked.

"Ya know go down on her, cunnilingus mate," Seamus said.

Seeing the blank look on Ron's face Dean continued, "Eating the hair pie, licking the beaver, lickity split, tongue diving." Ron still looked lost, "Take your tongue and run it over her cunt."

"Why would you wanna do something disgusting like that?"

"Oh, it's real simple, you go down on her and she will go down on you," Seamus said with a grin.

"It's foreplay ya know, girls like that sorta thing, gets them ready for main event."

"Oh that's when ya wham bam, right."

"Yeah mate eventually, though there's nothing like a little foreplay to spice up an evening."

"But ain't it better to just stick it in?" a bewildered Ron asked.

"Ya see this is what hanging around the traitor and the bookworm will get ya, total ignorance of how life works. Ya can't just stick it in mate, too much chance she'll get pregnant, but I understand where ya coming from. Sit back and Ol' Dean will tell you all the secrets to pleasing a woman. The key getting a shag and not getting her pregnant is to shag her in the bum," Dean said sagely.

"Do they like that?" a wide eyed Ron asked.

"I haven't heard Lavender complain about it yet," Dean lied through his teeth, someone can't complain about something that's not happened.

"Wow, there should be a class about this stuff," Ron thought out loud, now there was a class he would actually show up early for.

"Did you hear the latest news about the boy wonder, he got himself several wives," Seamus supplied as he took his turn on the cigarette.

"Who's he married to?" Ron said starting to turn red.

"Don't know the details mate, but I hear he got some Lionesses in his harem."

"Who are they?"

"Don't know the full list but rumor is your sister is one of them."

"Wait he's married to my baby sister! He gonna try and do thing's to her? Oh Hell NO! Potter's not gonna get away with doing that to Ginny," Ron shouted as he stormed out of the bathroom.

-HPatBW-

Harry Potter, hero/whipping boy to the wizarding world, was trying to eat his breakfast in peace. Sadly, this plan seemed to be doomed to failure this morning. He smiled through gritted teeth as Neville sat down across from him, "Good Morning Harry, You seem tense," he said causally.

"Hey Nev, just the Puffs being weird for some reason this morning" Harry responded. He winced as another Hufflepuff came up and patted him on the shoulder, that one wasn't so bad, the ones that had hugged him almost made him loose his temper.

Neville just nodded his head, he knew Harry had an aversion to being touched when it wasn't his idea. The next group that approached Harry left quickly after they got an evil eyed glare from the normally calm Lion. "You want me to run interference for you today?" Neville asked.

"I'd be in your debt Nev," the black haired man said, "What's this service gonna cost me?"

"You remember that recipe you gave me last year, well my Gran got Dippy to make it and it's been the hit of her bridge club. Only thing is Gran won't let me have a piece, so my fee is one strawberry cake with cream cheese icing."

"Deal," Harry nodded, spooning some more eggs on his plate.

"What about the wives?"

Harry shrugged, "just play it by ear."

"Hello Harry Potter," a sing song voice said from behind Neville.

"You're Luna right?" Harry asked the blonde witch. "Would you like to join us?"

Harry and Neville both chuckled at the weird little blonde's enthusiastic nod.

"Hello Potter," Harry heard from behind, "do you mind if we join you?" As he turned around he saw the infamous Ice Queen of Slytherin and her two ladies in waiting. Harry blinked in surprise at this, there was supposed to be only one lady in waiting.

"Ugh, sure have a seat I guess," Harry said as Tracy and Daphne sat on either side of Neville and Blaise and Luna took up positions beside Harry.

"Where are my manners today? I'm Neville Longbottom, I don't think I have had the pleasure of making your acquaintance?" Neville asked looking at Blaise's hair as it went from light pink to a purplish hue.

"Merlin's beard Neville, we've had classes together since first year, it's me, Blaise Zabini, and I just got some issues going on right now."

"Setoftits," Tracy sneezed.

Luna blinked twice and asked, "Could you teach me to sneeze like that or would the dykeons object to letting out trade secrets. It would be ever so helpful telling father I got married."

The confused silence was broken Daphne asking, "What's a Dykeon?"

"Curious creatures with short cropped fur that like mountains and clear cut valleys, they are somewhat secretive and the last reported pair was several years ago. They also like tartan shirts for some odd reason," Luna replied cheerfully, this was fun. No one had ever asked her questions about her favorite subject, Magical Creatures.

"I don't remember those in our Care of Magical Creatures class," Neville rubbing his head to try and stave off a migraine.

"Professor Hagrid is good, but he doesn't even talk about the most basic creatures. For instance, he had absolutely no clue about the mating habits of the tri-crested warfnorbler, or the fact that the most dangerous thing alive is a crumple horned snorack protecting her young."

"What in the world is a snorack," Hermione asked as she walked up to the table, Tracy turned around and saw her new look. Hermione was briefly shocked into forgetting what she was going to ask by the brunette's exclamation of "Bwah."

Harry barely looked her way, "What happened to you?"

"Those two idiots in my dorm decided that I needed a makeover. It wasn't too bad until they thought my closet was the perfect place to practice shrinking charms. The one time I tried to change them back I accidentally incinerated a uniform."

"Why haven't you gotten one of the teachers to undo it?" Neville asked.

"I can't find any female teachers this morning and I'm not going to one of the male ones looking like this. So Harry, I know I made a big mistake and I wouldn't forgive me if I was you, but can I sit with you this morning."

"Excusez-moi, may I join you? I did not realize that you were having breakfast with your wives. Did I miss a memo?"

"Why don't you both sit down if you want to," Harry said pointing to the bench across from him.

Hermione took a seat beside Blaise while Fleur sat next to Luna where she took a roll from the table and started buttering it, "Alors, Monsieur Potter Parlez-vous Français?"

"Un peu, la plupart du temps de la cuisson monrte regardé ma tante," Harry responded to the shock of the table. A.N. The translation at bottom of story. If my French is wrong, blame Google translator.

"You speak French?" Hermione asked, "When did you learn French, Harry?"

"Yeah, I know a little French," he said with a shrug, "I started picking in up around age four. When your shoved in a cupboard for most of the day, you kinda pick up whatever you hear," Harry said turning his attention to his eggs. "After I learned to read, Aunt Petunia made me read so many cookbooks to make stuff for her whale of a husband. Some of them were in French, Italian, German, Greek, Chinese, and Japanese. Hell, she didn't care what they were she just got them really cheap and expected me to figure it out. I am at least partially fluent in most of them, though my Japanese is horribly accented."

"Why make you learn all that?" Fleur asked out of curiosity.

"Blubber butt developed a taste for foreign cuisine during business meetings. I started picking up the languages from the ethnic grocers when he would drop me off at in London. Whaleman insisted on using authentic ingredients, so I would ask for things in the books. After a few times of mispronouncing things badly, Mr. Hong would tell me what it was in Chinese, and I would parrot it back. After a while we began greeting each other in Chinese, and it just snowballed from there. It was Chinese with Mr. Hong, then Italian with Mrs. Batali, and German with Ms. Braun. There was also a nice couple two streets down from the Dursley's, Ikari and Zoe Tendo, they taught me Japanese and Greek. French was mostly Julia Childs."

"So you learned to read all that at age four?" Blaise asked.

"No, I was reading by age three, they were making me cook by four."

"They made a four year old cook, what were they thinking letting a kid around a stove?" Tracy asked in anger.

Harry just shrugged, "You get used to it."

"Blaise, are you aware your hair just changed color?" Neville queried the now flaming redhead.

"Oh she's just a metamorphamagus, it's how she's a girl right now," Tracy supplied. "We think the hair is some sort of mode indicator, so far we have red being angry, blue is depressed, pink's randy, and purple is embarrassed."

Blaise's hair was now a nice violet shad with red highlights, probably means mortified with a little bit of pissed at Tracy.

Seeing that some of the table still looked clueless Daphne continued where Tracy left off. "They have limited control over their bodies. They can change their eye or hair color, facial shape, and usually hair length. Most can't do more than minor physical changes, some of the more powerful ones can even alter their face to have animal like qualities."

"So how does Blaise stack up with the gender changes," Hermione asked as she noticed the red slowly leaching out of Blaise's hair.

"Probably the first human in history that has managed that change, although the perorated pussywumps have been doing it for years, they even managed to make a third gender," Luna stated as she added more syrup to her pancakes.

"Are you making this up?" Hermione asked as she questioned the little blonde.

"No I've heard the mating calls of all three sexes while Father and I were vacationing in the Amazon."

"You sure, I haven't even heard of any of these things and I've read a lot about magical creatures," Hermione said as she ate some of her toast.

"Well most of the wizarding world has trouble believing that these things exist, they think they're just fantasy like the duckbilled platypus, the golden crested tamarind, or the horny toad."

"Luna," Harry said, "Those are real animals."

"You're pulling my leg right, I mean who ever heard of a randy amphibian?"

"I think they mean horny as in covered with horns."

"Like that's any better a toad with horns, why didn't they just call it a bullfrog?"

The table contemplated this and gave up the issue till books could be provided for proof.

It was into this quiet moment that fate decided that it could use a little comedy, "Oi, I knew you were low Potter but this takes the cake." The ones that had their backs to the voice turned to find Ronald Weasley in a state of righteous indignation. "You are a lying, cheating, no good, fraud. You're claiming to an adult just so you can go around getting laid. What the matter Potter, don't have the stones to get a woman for real? You have to trick them into marrying you, is that it? Why would I expect anything different? You just throw your fame around and bam, suddenly you're bum shagging my little sister. Stuffing her like a Christmas goose is that what like doing Potter?"

The whole Great Hall watched in morbid fascination as Ron proceeded to start honking and making pelvic thrusts at the shocked group.

"Honk, take that you dirty slut."

"Honk, like that do you bitch."

"Honk, hell yeah, take it all you slagging whore."

"Honk, oh enjoy that do you, you red headed tramp."

Unfortunately for Ron, the remaining Weasley siblings currently at Hogwarts had just entered the Great Hall when Ron started his dressing down of He-Who-Is-Entirely-To-Big-For-His-Britches. Ron made it to about four good honks before the shock wore off his little sister. Her youngest older brother had in one rant, reminded everyone that her Harry was married to several other women, impugned the honor of her husband, and finally made her out to be some kind of scarlet women. Ginny didn't really understand just what being a scarlet woman involved but from the talks that her mother gave her last year Ron was defiantly calling her one.

Pain at the words of her callous brother and fear that Harry might hate her for his words welled up in her chest. Anger quickly followed, HOW DARE THAT LITTLE SHIT CALL HER THAT. Rage gave way to determination, and her magic swelled to answer her demand. Ginny raised her wand and fired a spell that felt like her usual Bat Boogie Hex, she didn't remember what she shouted at her brother but the brown beam that hit him was different from the usual snot green blast.

Ron winced and clutched his stomach in pain as the cramping started. He felt the pressure in his gut build and threaten to explode his stomach. With a pained expression Ron whispered, "Oh Merlin!" With a thunderous boom the back of Ron's robes were blown horizontal from the force of the wind he just broke. They watched as the giant fart turned wet and the crap literally exploded from his pants. A mound half as tall as the lanky redhead formed just behind him, most of the students thought it was over with the humiliation of having crapped his pants in front of roughly seventy percent of the school plus several people from the visiting schools. They were very wrong. Slowly the mountain of feces started to move, little bits of it rose on eight thin legs and started toward the mortified redhead. Ron realized something besides his pants was amiss when he felt tiny legs crawling up his pants legs. Turning around he saw little spiders made of his own feces crawling toward him, larger one started forming some the size of his hand. Ron screamed and ran for it only to have several of them, now the size of a dinner plate, tried to cut off his escape. He nimbly leaped over one the size of a small dog and ran like the fires of hell were behind him, instead of animated feces.

Ginny was shocked out of her surprise by the clapping behind her. "Little sister we are so proud of you," Fred said.

"Truly we are in awe of you, what do you call that spell? Shit Spiders?" George asked.

"Turd Tarantulas?"

"Flatulent Funnelwebs?"

"Anal Arachnids?"

"Rectal Recluse?"

"Scuttling Shite?"

"I already used Shite."

"No you said Shit, I said Shite."

"Same difference."

"Ok then, what else would it be."

"Judging that spiders are Ron's biggest fear, might I suggest "Fecal Phobia"", Hermione said watching the whole thing with morbid fascination.

The twins looked at each other and said, "Brilliant."

Fleur leaned over to Luna and asked, "Is it always like this at Hogwarts?"

"When it comes to Harry and those around him, this is rather mild."

Ginny took this as a fine time to explore the intricacies of the back of her eyelids and promptly fainted.

-HPatBW-

Hogwarts Staff Table

The assembled (male) teachers watched the students eat their breakfast, particular attention was being paid to Harry Potter after yesterdays outburst.

"I bet he loses it after two more Puffs hug him," Filius said to Hagrid.

"Nah, I give it until one of the younger one kisses him again," the tall man commented as he buttered a scone.

"Now gentlemen, there is no evidence that young Mr. Potter will turn violent," the aged Dumbledore said.

The rest of the staff table looked at him like he just said that marshmallows were raining from a purple sky.

"Have you been taking your medications Albus?"

"More or less," the ancient wizard said sheepishly

"Oh look," Snape sneered, "Here comes the first of his wives."

The men watched the byplay of the wives with fascination. It was mildly fascinating for most.

"I swear I never even heard of half of those beasties she talks about," Hagrid huffed.

"What's the problem, can't take students knowing more that you," Snape chuckled lightly into his pumpkin juice.

"I'd like to see you handle her knowledge of strange potion ingredients."

"There is your problem, you let them question you during class."

This continued until Ron Weasley came in and started berating Harry. Some of the teachers were getting up to intervene when Ginny Weasley launched the prank version of shock and awe.

The teachers stared in open mouthed shock at the display before them. "I really don't know whether to dock points or award them," Filius said being the first to regain his tongue.

"For the first time, I am inclined to agree with you," Snape said, "that was an ingenious spell, any idea what it was?"

"Haven't a damn clue. Oops, looks like she fainted. I'll send Mister Potter and Mr. Longbottom to take her to the hospital wing."

"Sound plan Filius, and while your at it check Ms. Weasley's wand for that spell," Dumbledore added.

-HPatBW-

Harry and Neville were leading a very groggy and exausted Ginny toward the Hospital Wing, she had woken up almost immediately but was very tired and sleepy.

"Don't worry Ginny, I'm sure it's just a case of magical exhaustion," Harry said as he helped support his wife.

"Easy for you to say, I bet you don't feel like you just ran the stairs to the tower ten times," Ginny smiled back at him. Her Harry obviously cared for her.

"Tried that once," Neville said, "Almost crapped my pants from exhaustion after two runs."

They were about halfway there when Malfoy and his bookends blocked their way. "About time you made it scar head, I think it's time I showed you what your place in my castle is."

Harry rolled his eyes at the Blonde Ponce and the Troll Wingmen, "Look Malfoy any other day I would at least humor you, but today I have to get Ginny to see Madam Pomphry, so kindly go back to your cave and just leave me alone for once. I just don't have the patience for your shit right now."

"You will show me the respect I deserve, when my father hears of you willful assault on my person he will have you expelled from my school," the junior Malfoy said trying to look intimidating.

Harry started to massage his temples to try and make the migraine go away, "I'll go over this slowly so even your butt buddies can understand this. You have done nothing to earn my respect. Since when do I give a crap what your father thinks about things, the only reason I ever gave him the time of day was because he was an adult and I was a minor. Guess what, I'm an adult now moron, I don't give a flying fuck what your daddy thinks about things. I defeated his master while still in nappies, why should he scare me now? And lastly since when was it your school, sorry I guess I missed the memo. Hey Nev, you get forgot to give me that one."

"Sorry mate, I'll make it up to you," Neville said startling himself with his sudden backbone. He just felt more confident with Ginny hanging onto his arm.

"You'll be sorry for that Potter, you might live longer if you learn to fight like a Slytherin," the delusional blonde quipped back.

"Jesus H. Christ Harry, do you think that they give you pamphlets on bad villain speeches when they sort you with the snakes?" Neville turned to ask Harry. This was what probably saved their lives as Neville noticed the spell coming from behind them. He shouted a warning as he shoved Ginny to the floor. The spell hit him in his wand hand causing an explosion of blood and wood to shower over Ginny. Neville went down clutching his mangled hand as he used his body to try and shield Ginny. Harry turned to face the new threat when a disarming jinx hit him in the back followed by two body binder curses.

"Not so brave now are we scarhead?" Malfoy sneered. "I guess we'll have a little fun with your slut, right Teddy."

"Too right Drake, let's show them what real men can do."

"You will not touch her," Neville stated with finite certainty as he slowly got to his feet. "If you want them you'll have to go through me."

"What are you going to do squib?" Teddy laughed behind him.

"Whatever I have to," Neville said with determination as his right hand hung limply.

As the Longbottom heir launched himself at the smirking Slytherin he prayed for a miracle, his vision was starting to blur from the blood loss but he knew he couldn't give or else his friends were toast. His left fist connected with the arrogant boy and sent him reeling, the follow up kick to the jewels knocked him unconscious from the pain as Neville turned his attention to the other three.

Shock at the normal placid boy's explosion of violence briefly stopped Draco and the bookends from raising their wands. When Neville turned to them Draco laughed as he threw a cutting curse at the young Lion. The curse hit Neville just under his left eye slicing to the bone, he staggered as he began to blackout. "You will not hurt them," Neville said as he passed out trying to shield his friends.

"So much for the squib wonder," Draco laughed. "Now let's teach him a lesson about offending his betters."

Rage burned inside Harry as he struggled impotently against the binding spells. He tried to force the spells to break, but each time he did that they rebounded against him twice as hard. He watched as Neville of all people fought to defend him and Ginny. He had never really believed in God before, his life was too hellish for there to be a benevolent supreme being, but today he offered up silent pleas for help. A small voice in his head told him not to fight the curse, instead help the curse, pour power into the curse until it course. Accelerate the duration of the curse, it reminded Harry of those finger traps Mr. Hong let him play with that time. He started to funnel his magic into the spell, he felt the magic of the Body Bind quicken, slowly at first then as he gave more to the spell it speed more. The spells ended suddenly and Harry couldn't stop the flow of magic. He fought with the massive stream trying to get it back under control. He once again felt the voice tell him that if he couldn't stop it, redirect it into something useful. Having lost his wand the only thing he could think of was himself, he focused the magic into his muscles. He felt suddenly lighter and denser at the same time, the world seemed to slow as he watched Draco level his wand at Neville and Ginny. Years of being a punching bag for all the bullies in the neighborhood had inadvertently lead to surprising knowledge in the art of street fighting. He lined up his target of Crabbe's left knee and Golye's right elbow, with determination he moved. His targets were like statues as he laid into them, momentarily he was taken aback by their lack of motion, this lasted only for a second to Harry as he began to adapt to the unusual circumstances. He grinned as he gave Malfoy a vicious right cross followed by a left jab to the nose.

Malfoy smirked as he prepared to fire another cutting curse at the blood traitor. This was his moment of triumph against his hated rival, he was better, he was the best. Victory tasted so sweet. His world took a sharp left turn as he watched Harry's eyes burst with the eerie green light of the killing curse. This was not happening, Potter had been hit with two Body Binder hexes, he shouldn't be able to move. He felt the pain in his jaw and nose explode as Potter blurred into motion, dimly he was aware of his henchmen's screams of pain as they fell to the ground clutching various body parts. As the bliss of unconsciousness claimed him he lamented that this just wasn't fair to have his victory taken from him by that half-blood bastard.

His anger and energy spent Harry quietly called for Dobby as he passed out.

-HPatBW-

Gringotts Main Branch

Amelia Susan Bones strode into the bank with determination and heaven help anyone who got in her way. Seeing a free teller she walked up and asked him, "I need to talk to the goblin in charge of the Potter accounts." She instantly knew something was wrong for it only her years of training that spotted the goblins guarding the floor of the bank almost imperceptibly shifting from a relaxed state of watch to a coiled spring of anticipation.

"What business do you have with Mister Potter's affairs," the teller said as he examined her face in minute detail.

"He is married to my niece, Susan Bones, I'm head of the DMLE and I am investigating crimes committed against Mr. Potter." Amelia said trying hard not to appear took nervous in front of the goblins.

The goblin gave her a calculated look before nodding at the paper in front of him, "Please follow me Madam Bones. We wish to discuss this situation with you."

Amelia nodded and fell in line behind the teller, she noted that four of the guards formed up behind her. She was lead down a long hallway until she told to sit on a bench in front of a conference room.

After a wait of no more that five minutes she was escorted into the room. She was told to sit at the end of a long table with about five goblins on each side, her blood almost froze as the chair at the head of the table revolved to reveal the King of the Goblins, Ragnock himself. "Greetings Madam Bones, I hear you wish to discuss something about Mister Potter," the supreme ruler of the Goblin Nation said with a toothy grin.

"I tried today to get his home address, I have heard disturbing rumors about his home life and I feel responsible to investigate seeing as he is now my nephew-in-law."

"We have also heard these accusations; unfortunately goblins are barred from interfering with nonmagicals by treaty. We however as a race find child abuse to be unforgivable, so we are at a unique situation. We have the information you seek but lack the ability to act on it. You on the other hand have the ability, but lack the information. Strange the Fates give us such an impasse."

"Yes sir, the Fates can be cruel like that sometimes," Amelia said as she studied the Lord of the Goblins, "What would it take for such information to change hands?"

"Mister Potter's address is a valuable commodity, Madam Bones, one cannot simply give that information away. Proper compensation must be made for the breach of our honor that such a valuable and respected customer of our bank had his personal information distributed in such a fashion."

"What do you need to ease your honor? I will pay whatever you ask to nail those bastards."

Ragnock's grin widened almost from ear to ear. "We require two things, the first thing we require is that we want a shot at the bastards, give them to us so we can dispense justice, we have had centuries to plan what to do to betrayers and liars."

"And the second?" Amelia asked.

"One knut," Ragnock said to a shocked Amelia, "Nothing is ever free Madam Bones, but we decide how much to charge for our services, to make up for the injury done to an A-1 we will do a great deal."

Amelia fished in her pockets and flipped the Goblin King his knut, "So this is basically just about money to your people."

"Oh no Madam Bones, I don't think you fully understand, this is about two things. One is the stain on our honor from failing to enact parts of an extremely valuable clients will. The second thing is that this is not just about money, this is about a hell of a lot of money."

-Chapter End-

A.N.

Un peu, la plupart du temps de la cuisson monrte regardé ma tante

A little, mostly from the cooking shows my aunt watched.

Thank you for your patience with this chapter, every time I thought it was almost done another scene popped into my head. Chapter length will be what it will be, some short (hopefully over 4k words) other will go on longer. The poll is done, thanks to all those who voted, apparently no one likes Ginny, I mean really only four votes, where's the love. Until next time, Good luck yall.

Also for those wondering where Hedwig was this morning:

Hedwig flapped gently as she enjoyed the feel of the tailwind behind her. Anticipation filled her as she saw that her target was coming into range. She looked over her shoulder and signaled to her flight that it was about time to start the attack runs. It really wasn't supposed to be like this, she had made an innocent comment to her friend Big LB, a Great Horned Owl that Hogwarts used to haul extra large parcels to delicate to be shrunken. The news that she was going after the man that had tormented her master for so long caused a frenzy in the owlery. Over eighty percent of the owls there were named some variant of the wizarding world's savior, even Big LB was short for Lightning Bolt although it was jokingly said to really be Lancaster Bomber, so when they heard of Hedwig's plan they jumped at it.

Her squadron consisted of her best mate and wingwoman Lils, a vicious screech owl, on her other side was the spotted owls Harold and Jamie. Big LB came behind them with his wingman Clancy, a slightly crazy elf owl. There were more squadrons of various owls than she could count and one entire squad of pigeons, honestly what sane person used pigeons to carry mail. Hedwig gave the final signal and peeled off to start her attack run.

Petunia rushed out of the house to hand her beloved husband his lunch for the day. He took it with eager anticipation and gave his wife a quick kiss on the cheek. Life ran so much better when the Freak was gone from their happy home. Nothing could spoil his day as he gave his ritual stretch. He glanced up as he yawned and notice the sky was suddenly black with birds. He pointed up to show Petunia and they both stared in wide mouthed awe at the impressive site of so many birds. Ten seconds later it began to rain white.


	5. Chapter 5

Harry Potter and the Bride Wars

Disclaimer: I didn't do it officer, You got nothing on me.

Really then what's this Harry Potter in your pocket?

That's not mine, I never seen it before.

Nice try punk, You have the right to make fanfiction. Any profit you may make of this endeavor can and will land you in a small cell with a man named Bubba, who will do horrible unspeakable things to you. Now lets go down to the station and speak of them.

Authors Notes: Wow I didn't think this chapter would ever end, over 12000 words. Squee! Ahem, sorry about that I won't let it happen again. Fair warning some deep stuff is mentioned in the chapter, not everything can be light and sunshine. As a great man, I don't remember who, said, "Without the darkness how can we know the light". Let me just say congratulations to the Ravenclaw house for identifying the special guests in the last chapter, Oswald Cobblepot and Edward Nigma a.k.a the Penguin and the Riddler. Only two people gave a guess so Dracco, the only one who gave a house affiliation, won the prize. Incidentally thanks to TaraLi for also guessing but unfortunately failing to leave a house. I have had several people give ideas to eliminate brides, I will give us credit as I use the ideas. Just to mention the number of reviews is staggering, not all of you like it but the positive out weight the bad. Thank you for forgiving typos and misspellings, and I promise to try and keep them to a minimum.

Hogwarts Teachers Lounge

"What the bloody hell was that swill?" Pomona Sprout asked as she tried to hold the top of her head on.

"I'm gonna kill those little shits," Professor McGonagall groaned from the bucket in front of her.

"My Inner Eye tells me you know the reason my teeth feel like they are trying to crawl out of my mouth right now," Sybill whined as quietly as possible.

"I thought that was the bottle of firewhiskey you drained," Aurora said trying to keep her at a volume slightly above a mouse fart, "Does anyone know why my navel is sticky?"

"I believe that was from Septima using your navel as a shot glass, but I could be wrong," Rolanda added.

"Any clue who bite my hand?" Poppy asked clutching said hand.

"That would be from when you tried to take Irma's bottle away from her," Septima said.

A general round of apologies went around as they gradually gained semi-vertical status.

"So Minnie, you know what they gave us?" Poppy wondered as she thought up antidotes.

"Yes, you remember the Great Party of 77? The one that started in the Lion's Den, crashed the Raven's Roost, trashed the Snake's Pit and caused half of the Badger's Hole to have to be condemned for over a year." Minerva said as the rest of the female faculty slowly acknowledged the question.

"How could we forget something like that?" Charity asked, "The Marauders certainly knew how to throw a wild party. I kept finding knickers for weeks after that. We even found a set of leopard print in the ceiling of the Great Hall."

"Bet you they were Selene Dover's?" Rolanda grinned.

The rest of the faculty just nodded along not wanting to take a sucker bet. Bathsheda added, "Remus sure was athletic in his youth wasn't he."

The female faculty gave wistful sighs until they realized that that action led to more headaches.

"Anyway," Poppy said, "What does that have to do with the house elves trying to kill us?"

"After that party I made a rule that if they found a group in certain conditions that they were to pour some of Hagrid's coffee down their throats," Minerva said, "It seemed like such a good idea at the time."

"It always does," Irma Pince added, "Kinda like that last bottle of firewhiskey."

The teachers spent about ten minutes working out exactly what happened the night before and the effects of having drank something that was know to give a half-giant a buzz. After much groaning and finding of lost articles of clothing, they realized that they still needed to take care of a makeover for their transfiguration mistress.

"What time is it?" Irma asked. One quick spell later, "9:15 a.m. Damn we missed breakfast. Oh and we have class right now."

"All those in favor of blowing off first and second period?" Aurora propositioned.

"Aye!" came the unanimous chorus.

"All those in favor of giving Minnie a makeover?" Poppy asked.

"Aye."

"Opposed?"

"Nay!"

"Sorry Minnie, you got out voted," Poppy said with sadistic glee, or a much as she could manage with a headache.

"Ok shall we ask for some regular coffee and tea?" Charity asked

"Motion passed. Get the little bastards in here now, and fetch me a headache remedy," Poppy commanded. "Make sure it's from the blue cabinet and not the brown one."

"Why does that matter?" Bathsheda wondered.

"Because it's simple really, the students get the brown ones while the good tasting blue ones are reserved for faculty use."

"You know Poppy, I think Harry is right," Minerva said as she leaned over to her friend, "You are a little sadistic."

Poppy just shrugged, "You do realize I work in medicine? If it discourages the little shits from getting hurt so much the better."

-HPatBW-

First Magical Owl Bomber Wing

Little Whinging

Hedwig was about to make her third attack run when a cold chill ran down her spine. Her master was in danger, she needed to get back NOW.

She signaled her wing to break off and meet by a nearby tree.

Big LB interrupted her frantic barks with a calming hoot. His message was clear, go to your wizard we got it here.

Clicking a thank you, Hedwig launched herself into the air and gained altitude to where the air was thinner and she could get more speed.

She flew as fast as her wings could manage, but fatigue started to overcome her. She had been flying what seemed like hours without a break and the strain was starting to show. Her link to her master started to falter and her fear exploded. She still had several hundred miles to go before she could even see the edge of the Forbidden Forest. She needed to get to her master. It was all she could feel, it was all she knew, it was all that she wanted.

Magic in all its forms starts with Want.

Want makes Desire.

Desire fuels Need.

Need creates Purpose.

Purpose breeds Determination.

Determination gives Will.

Will is Action.

Hedwig wanted more than anything to be at Hogwarts to protect her master. As she felt their connection go silent, she wanted desperately to be at Hogwarts. The white bird began to glow as she picked up her pace. She wanted to be faster, she wanted to be there NOW! Hedwig's world narrowed down to just the point on the horizon where she last felt her master. She vaguely noticed as the world seemed to stretch around her and thin out around the edges. The country side flew by at rates that would have astonished her at any other time, but today she didn't care. Someone had hurt her master and they would know her wrath. She decided since she couldn't find her master she would save time and start by questioning his usual tormenters first.

All along the Scottish country side windows were shattered, clothes were blown off lines, and livestock fled from the white demon's passing. Several concerned citizens rang the local military bases to complain about unscheduled flights over civilian airspace. The military denied all forms of flights that day and they said that radar hadn't pick up so much as a sparrow all day.

-HPatBW-

Hogwarts School for Witchcraft and Wizardry

Seventh Floor Room of Requirements

Harry Potter knew something was wrong even before he opened his eyes. He knew instinctively this wasn't the hospital wing, it felt to warm and inviting for that. Slowly he opened his eyes and sat up. He was greeted by a high squeaky voice, "Harry Potter sir must not be sitting up now. Harry Potter be needing rest he does."

"Dobby is that you?" the perplexed young man asked.

The little house elf practically went into a seizure from the joy he expressed. "Harry Potter be remembering Dobby's name. Dobby is not worthy to tend to Harry Potter's needs," The manic little elf practically burst into tears as he knelt down by Harry's bed.

"Thank you for helping me Dobby, but where are Ginny and Neville?"

"Dobby be taking them to see Popping Lady, they be fine by afternoon. Dobby use house elf magic, make Harry Potter's friend and wife good."

"What about Draco and the snakes?"

"Dobby be taking them to hospital ward too."

"Then why did you bring me here instead of the Hospital Ward?"

"Harry Potter be needing rest. Harry Potter be using too much power. Dobby knows Harry Potter not be getting rest in Popping Lady Lair. Dobby bring to Come and Go room, Hoggywarts provide for Harry Potter."

Harry sighed in relief and started taking stock of the situation. He finally took a good hard look at Dobby. He was looking even more emaciated than when he first saw him in the Malfoy's employ. He was covered in dirt and grim and his nose was hanging limply in front of him. His large ears were tattered and torn in several places. "Dobby, who did this to you?"

"Dobby not knows what Harry Potter be talking about," the little elf shifted his weight nervously.

"Don't give me that excuse Dobby, I know what it's like from experience."

Dobby immediately pulled a frying pan from nowhere and started hitting him self in the head, "Bad Dobby Bad" he chanted as Harry fought to get the pan away from him.

Harry hugged the little elf as he broke down in tears, "Dobby bad elf, lie to Harry Potter, Dobby make Harry Potter worry about Dobby. Dobby need to be punished. Please be letting Dobby go Harry Potter sir."

"You did nothing wrong Dobby. I was only worried about a friend Dobby. You're allowed to worry about your friends," Harry said as he wondered how in the hell he was supposed to comfort a distraught house elf.

The manic elf gazed up at Harry with those big soulful eyes and broke down again, "Dobby try to help Harry Potter, but Dobby be getting weaker. Dobby not have long, Dobby be too long without home."

"I thought Dumbledore let you live at Hogwarts."

"Hoggywarts be having too many elves as is. Extra elves work but no belong to Hoggywarts, so extra elves be getting sick and be stopping."

"Do you mean they're dieing?"

"Harry Potter be smart, house elf be using magic to do work. House elf get new magic from family. No having family house elf no be getting new magic. When magic all gone no more house elf."

"Why not stop working?"

Dobby gave him a look like he just told him to have relations with a diseased sheep. "House elves always work, it is what we is being."

"So could you get a new family?"

"Maybe, most family not be having Dobby, bad master spread word Dobby bad elf. Nobody's be having Dobby."

"What don't you just take a little magic from someone without bonding to them?"

"House elves that try bonding to new master take small part of magic, they must give work back. House elves must earn magic."

"Dobby is there a lot of elves without homes?"

Dobby's ears lowered until they almost touched his shoulders, "They be some since bad hissy man kill families. Most gone now, few left."

"How many could one wizard handle?"

Dobby though hard for a minute, "Depend on family, strong family have many elves, weak one, not so many."

"Is there a way to tell if too many elves are bonded to a family?"

"Harry Potter no worry, elves no be bonding if no magic to spare."

Harry reached his decision, he looked the manic elf in the eye and the words came to him, "Dobby, will you abide by the old pact, to gladly take what is given and to serve my family faithfully to the best of your ability?"

"Dobby will," the elf said in shock.

"Will you promise to always do what is best for my family no matter the cost to yourself?"

"Dobby promise," he said as he tried to believe this was happening.

"Do you swear to protect the members of my family even at the cost of your own life?"

"Dobby swears," the tired looking elf said chest swelling with pride.

"Then Dobby, allow me to swear that I, Harry James Potter, will listen to your advice and counsel, honor your requests if it is in my power to give, and protect you as if you were one of my family. Now and forever till the mountains are torn down and the seas are run dry. So mote be it."

The room suddenly was bathed in light as the oaths took hold. Harry could feel the small drain on his magic. It tickled a little, almost like someone was blowing across his neck. He decided that it wasn't bad feeling, just unusual.

Dobby was different, his ears were no longer tattered and his muscles were filled out and defined. He stood almost six inches taller and his nose stood out ramrod straight. He looked healthier by several measures and practically beamed with confidence and pride. The most dramatic change though was what he was wearing. Gone was the sock cape and tea towel loin cloth, instead was a crisp pressed black suit. It had long tails and gold buttons on the waist coat, the pants were pressed to within an inch of their life and the shoes practically gleamed. Tears welled in the little elf's eyes, "Master Harry Potter has given Dobby clothes. Master Harry Potter no be wanting Dobby?"

"I'm not dismissing you Dobby," the messy haired boy said, "They're a uniform, a mark of someone who faithfully serves and does a good job, it's a badge of pride to wear one. I was forced to wear rags for most of my life, I will not have a friend of mine wear rags if I can help it."

"Master Harry Potter sir, do you be needing anything?" Dobby felt like he could take on a troll and win.

"No Dobby I don't need anything right now, you look good by the way."

"Dobby be thanking Master Harry Potter, no one ever tell house elves about uniforms before, just give dirty tea towels" the Elf said with a bow.

"Dobby, do I have to personally bond any other elves?"

"No Master Harry Potter, you be just needing to delegate job to Head Elf."

"Then Dobby you are my Head Elf."

The little house elf cried tears of joy at this proclamation. A golden shield appeared above his coats right breast and on either side of his shoulders, "Master Harry Potter sir, May Dobby be bonding other elves now? We has much work to do."

"Only on one condition, please just call me Harry, or if you can't do that sir will do just fine."

"Yes sir," the little elf said as he practically bounced into the air. "Dobby be getting you first elf sir, Winky be needing family. Last Master being bad to her."

"That's fine Dobby, I'm a little tired so I'm going to take a nap now, and then I'll check on my friends."

"Sleep good, sir," Dobby said as he prepared to find his friend. This was a good day.

-HPatBW-

Hogwarts Great Hall

It had been close to thirty minutes after Harry left and the teachers and students held their breath in anticipation for the next odd occurrence. The silence lasted until Luna cleared her throat and said, "Please go on with your breakfast everyone. Harry just left and we all know the "Insanity" doesn't happen without him."

The student body muttered quietly, embarrassed that they missed something so obvious. They were just finishing breakfast when a white blur flew in through the window and slammed into Professor Snape, who had just finished his three minute egg.

Luna looked up at the staff table where Professor Snape was lying on his back with a rather irate Hedwig holding him by the collar with one foot and the other one around his throat. "I stand corrected," the blonde said, "apparently all you need is someone associated with Harry. I wonder if that applies to wives of Harry Potter as well?"

"What the hell do you think?" Blaise quipped, "I'm missing my John Thomas here."

"Merde," Fleur exclaimed.

Hermione just shrugged, "You get used to it after a while."

At the staff table they mostly missed the Potter wives conversation, they had a more pressing concern, trying to save their Potion Master.

Hedwig barked slowly in an eerily calm tone.

"Hold on Severus, we'll have her off of ya in two ticks," the largest professor rumbled.

Severus was seeing stars from being hit with a bird going faster than most jets, but his mind cleared up immediately when he felt four pricks at his throat. "Stop," Severus yelled as he felt the four razor sharp talons begin to dig into his neck. "I don't think that is a wise idea."

"Well what do you intend for us to do then my boy?" the headmaster asked.

"Find the Potter brat and make him release me or else we expel him." Severus noted that the pressure relaxed on the first part of his statement but returned in full force once the word brat escaped his lips.

"Do you recon she wants Harry?" Hagrid asked.

"Brilliant deduction, now would someone please find him so he can get this blasted bird off me."

Hedwig just held her grip as the wizards called for the location of Harry Potter.

"Hedwig, could you please let the Professor go?" Luna asked as the rest of the great hall turned to stare at her. The Snowy Owl just turned her head to the side in a questioning manner. Snape felt the talons relax a little but they still tapped at his jugular regularly.

"Because Harry wouldn't want you to injure him," Luna responded.

Hedwig raised an eyebrow and barked.

"Alright, he mostly wouldn't want you to hurt him. That won't help us find Harry. Professor Snape is probably innocent."

The Owl gave a low click of her beak and shook her head.

"He's been here since Harry left the Great Hall, so it most likely wasn't him."

"Besides," Blaise added, "He actually ordered our house not to even as much as talk to Harry unless we had official business with him."

Hedwig sighed before giving a pleading look to Luna.

"Absolutely not. I don't care what your personal opinion of him is. He hasn't harmed Harry lately so you may not. You let him go and get over here right now young lady."

Said owl barked three times and took her talons off the greasy haired professor's throat.

"You can talk to Hedwig?" a shocked Hermione asked.

"Anyone can talk to her," Luna replied, "understanding what she says back is the trick."

"I think that last one was pretty obvious to anyone," Fleur said, "Harry will wash your beak out with a cleaning charm for that, Mademoiselle Hedwig."

Hedwig huffed as she flew down to the girl's table. How in the world did things deteriorate this far this fast. All she wanted was to find her master. The things she put up with for him.

The minute that the irate owl was off him Severus quickly regained his footing and turned his wand to cast a spell at the owl. He was met by a sea of wands pointing the other direction from all of one table, most of the second, half of the third, and surprisingly a quarter of the fourth.

"Put down your wands or I will give all of you detention for raising your wands to a professor," sneered the internally shocked man, he was too proud to show any form of shock on his face.

Professor Snape did show surprise when he suddenly found himself suddenly hanging by his left foot nine feet in the air. "Professor Snapie no be hurting Master Harry Potter's owl," a high squeaky voice said, "this be the only warning Dobby be giving."

"What is the meaning of this?" Dumbledore finally roared from his place at the staff table.

"This is a grammatical word used to indicate somebody or something already mentioned or identified or something understood by both the speaker and hearer," Luna chirped happily. No one ever asked her grammar questions.

"I beg your pardon," Professor Dumbledore blinked.

"You asked us what is the meaning of 'this', so she told you sir," Hermione responded inwardly shocked she could understand the blonde's thinking. "Well he did ask us," she said defensively as the room turned their astonishment from the blonde to the bushy haired brunette.

"Did anyone else not understand that or was it just me?" Tracy asked.

Fleur simply put her hand over Luna's mouth as it started to open.

Daphne summed up most of the room's opinion by just shrugging back.

"Can someone get me down," the inverted potions master said.

"You not be harming Master Harry Potter sir's owl," the irate elf stated with conviction.

"Those creatures attacked me, I will see them destroyed," the potion master said as he was lowered down.

"Actually that could be a problem," Hagrid rumbled, "If Hedwig's Harry's familiar, you legally can't touch her. Furthermore if… it is Dobby right," the he asked the little elf who nodded enthusiastically, "if Dobby is Harry's elf then he was only protecting his master's property. You are a good little elf aren't you?"

"Please explain that for the slower of those amongst us just how you know this?" a curious Flitwick asked the large man.

"Well when they tried to execute Buckbeak last year, it made me think a little about the laws concerning animals and non humans, so I did some reading. If Hedwig is really a familiar then she's seen as an extension of Harry. The most Professor Snape could do to her is challenge Harry to a duel if he felt slighted. Of course that doesn't stop him from having words with Harry about her behavior."

"How do we know that bird is Potter's familiar?"

"The usual ways are an increased intelligence, a minor ability to do "parlor tricks" such as minor levitation and small summoning charms, an ability to home in on their master, and a very distinct personality," the large professor gave and impromptu to lecture.

The bird sat calmly on the table and lifted a foot and extended two claws vertically.

"Well I think that answered that," Hagrid said clapping his large hands, "Now I believe the question was where Harry is now?"

"Why did you not be asking that earlier?" Dobby asked rolling his big eyes, "Master Harry Potter is resting after he be attacked in hallway."

This brought several new shouts until Dumbledore managed to reign in the mob again.

"What attack? Was anyone hurt?"

"Four bad greenie students be attacking Master Harry Potter and friends. Dobby be taking Master Harry Potter's friends to Hospital Wing along with bad students. Dobby did good, not bounce bad students more that three times on way," the little house elf said practically beaming with pride.

"You bounced my students?" Snape asked trying to regain his mental equilibrium.

"Dobby not be bouncing as much as Dobby be wanting to, only a little."

Professor Snape's mouth opened and shut a couple of times before he said as he walked out of the Great Hall, "To hell with this, I have students to check on."

The assembled students could deal with a lot. One of their own suddenly swapping genders, wake me when something interesting happens. Your fears manifested from your own shit, interesting but something bigger was bound to turn up. Luna Lovegood quoting grammar to the Headmaster, it is Looney Lovegood. Professor Snape ordering Harry Potter to be left alone, weird yes, but doable. A house elf that looked like he stepped out of Butler's Monthly magazine, odd but then it's just an elf. Headmaster Dumbledore shocked into silence, bound to be a first time for everything. Professor Snape hung up by his foot in the Great Hall by an irate elf in a suit, yawn. Harry's owl giving Professor Snape the two fingered/taloned salute, are they selling tickets yet? Hagrid reading and arguing law, now there is where the Twilight Zone starts.

One lone brave Gryffindor spoke what every student was thinking, "All in favor of blowing this day off and going back to bed?"

"I second the motion," came the cry from the green table.

"Motion seconded, all in favor?" the headmaster said with a blank expression.

"Aye," the resounding chorus rang out.

"Opposed?" the headmaster asked going fully on autopilot at this point.

The only sound was an irritated owl trying to talk an obstinate house elf into taking her to her master.

"Well Ayes have it, all Ravenclaws please note that I plan to be busy until around Tea Time, please try and not destroy my tower," the littlest professor said as he walked out.

-HPatBW-

Teacher's Lounge

"This seemed like a better idea when I had half a bottle in me," Minerva grunted as Poppy adjusted the belt to her skirt.

"Everything does," Septima agreed, "Like that time Sirius Black almost talked me out of my bra when he was thirteen."

"What's the problem with that?" Sybill asked, "From what I heard he was a good looking young man, there is no shame in having a little fun when you were kids."

"I had just started teaching at the time," Septima blushed, "I think the only reason he took my class was because he thought I was cute."

After an awkward silence the teachers stepped back and examined their handiwork. They had put their collective heads together and Minerva looked good. She was wearing a starched white dress shirt with a crimson vest and matching knee length skirt. Her open fronted robes were jet black and fit her like a glove. This ensemble was accented by the wide belt and the lace up black boots. Some of her hair was still in a bun, but the rest of it cascaded down her back and framed her face nicely. Her glasses perched on her head only served to further scream Sexy Librarian/Teacher. All in all some of the women were rather jealous and wanted their turns for a makeover.

Charity looked at Minerva and pondered, "Now how are we going to show you off?"

Rolanda added, "I agree, a work this fine demands a grand entrance."

"Preferably one in front of young Harry," Septima chuckled, "No sense in having the show if the main attendant isn't there."

After a minor debate the teachers came to an agreement, "Can I get a copy of that memory Minnie?" Bathsheda asked.

"Hey if she gets one I want one too?" Rolonda said.

"If everything goes good I'll give each of you a copy," Minerva said as she adjusted the hem of her skirt for the sixth time. "Are you quite sure that this is appropriate? My knees are showing."

"Oh lighten up Minnie," Poppy said, "They're just knees, it's not like anyone hasn't see a knee before."

"They bloody well haven't seen mine before," Minerva said in a tone of finality. "If my magic was working right I would fix it myself."

"I don't get that," Sybill commented, "Yesterday you could blow a hole in the wall with a tickling charm and today a blasting hex barely stings. What happened?"

"I think it has something to do with marring Harry. It might take a while to stabilize, I'll have a look at the other brides when I get a chance," Poppy said as she finished mixing a potion. "Anyway Minnie, drink up."

Minerva looked at the lilac colored potion that was trust in her hand, "What is this?" she asked.

"Let's just say that it will prevent the need for my services in nine months," Poppy said with a grin.

Minerva sputtered a bit until Poppy told her, "Look I know you just married him, and it wasn't by your choice, but he's a young man and their ruled by their hormones. And let's face it, you might be old enough to be his grandmother but right now you're a very sexy woman, he's pretty handsome himself, and well things happen. I also know for a fact that you still get your flow, so take the bloody potion before I ram it down your throat, I'm not ready to be a Godmother yet. Besides I don't think I can handle another batch of Potters so soon, one every other decade or so is enough to keep me busy."

Minerva downed the potion and winced at the taste, "Are you planning to give this to the girls?"

"Yeah probably, we slip a mild contraceptive in all the female students' monthly menstrual potions, if their really active we have stronger means. I might just give it to all of them just as a precaution, Harry had proven to be able to do the impossible time after time. Do you really think that a mild contraceptive potion, charms, and possible a prophylactic would slow his swimmers down? I also figured I would give them "The Talk" while I was at it. I think I'll save time and do a group talk, by the way Minnie I expect you to be there as well."

"What? Why? I'm almost seventy years old, there's not much you need to tell me."

"Humor me Minnie, besides I saw that confused look on your face, I just might teach you a few things."

-HPatBW-

Hufflepuff 4th year Girl's dorms

Susan groaned as she gradually woke up. She felt as if her body was made of lead and she couldn't breathe through her nose. She was freezing this morning and everything hurt. She tried to sit up and promptly vomited off the side of the bed. Around this time Hannah came in to check on her best friend.

"Damn girl, you look like shit."

Sniff "Thanks I needed to know I looked as good as I feel," Susan wheezed back.

"You missed the floorshow at breakfast," Hannah grinned as she banished the mess from the floor, "Ron made an appearance and started letting Harry have it full force. Then Ginny came in and did something like her bat boogie hex except that spiders made from his own shit chased him."

After giggling for a second before trying to cough her lung out Susan asked, "So how did Harry take his best friend acting like that?"

"We tried to console him all morning, you know to let him know that we support him and that we will be there if he needs anything."

Susan narrowed her eyes, "Tried to console him all morning how?"

"The usual Puff way, big hugs, pats on the shoulder, some of the firsties even gave him kisses on the cheek. That kind of thing."

Susan just stared for a minute hoping her best friend would say she was kidding. "You're joking right?"

"No, the entire house got in on the act, we decided to really support him like he was a Puff."

"Hannah listen carefully, you know you are like the sister I never had. We have had each others backs since the first train ride." Seeing Hannah nod she continued, "What from the nine hells possessed you to try and hug an abused person like that?"

"Huh?"

"Hannah listen to me, Harry, by his own admission, has not known one ounce of kindness that he can remember. Each and every touch that he did not initiate was negative. Hell I'm probably surprised if that hug Granger gave him at the end of second year was the first positive contact he has had till that point. After my parents died, Aunt Amelia would occasionally bring home kids that had been abuse when no one else would take them. The level of physical interaction that you did to Harry was the last thing any of them wanted. It's too much like pitying them. I know you meant well but please leave Harry to me, all he needs right now is an unconditional friend."

"What do you want us to do then?" Hannah said with tears in her eyes, "Most of us have no clue how to act now."

"It's not something you can just hug away," the sick girl said, "Treat him like Harry, he's a lion, they're not known to show their emotions easily like us badgers. They tend to just deal with problems without thinking of the consequences. He will open up to us in time, just promise me you'll have a talk with the others."

"Sure Sue, now let's find Madam Pomfrey and see if we can fix your cold, you got a husband to win."

Susan's answer was a near incandescent blush, whether from the fever or the images dancing in her head we can only guess.

-HPatBW-

Gryffindor Common Room

Hermione felt like flopping down in her favorite chair by the fire, instead she sat with the utmost caution. She found out earlier that tighter cloths meant greater chances for wardrobe malfunctions. She had just check on Ginny and Neville in the hospital wing and was in desperate need to unwind. She opened one of her favorite books and began to loose herself in the dashing tale of suspense and romance. Like many before her that day her plans were not to come to fruition. She looked up as the shadow fell over her book to see Lee Jordon standing over her with a frown on his face. "We need to talk," the ebony skinned young man said in a voice that wouldn't stand for any argument.

"What's the problem Lee? I just sat down and it's been a long week, can't this wait?" Hermione asked as she tried to go back to her book.

"I have something to say you really need to hear Granger, and the Common Room is not the place for this conversation."

Sighing deeply Hermione set down her book, "Fine, whatever just be quick about it so I can go back to my book."

Lee led Hermione to an unused classroom next to the Gryffindor Tower, when they were in he cast a privacy ward around the room.

"What's do you want to tell me?"

"I want to know why you deserted your brother when he needed you the most."

"What brother?" the perplexed girl asked back.

"Don't give me that. I know you're an only child, hell I'm one too, but I have two redheaded brothers that I would fight and die for. I know one that would have thrown himself in harms way for you in an instant. I know for a fact that he watched over you while you were paralyzed each and everyday. Now I'm going to ask again, why did you desert your brother?"

"I… I don't know," Hermione sobbed. "I've been thinking about it all week and I can't figure out why. He saved my life, I swore I would stand by him not matter what. I don't deserve to be his friend, much less his wife."

"Whoa girl, that's what we intend to find out," Lee said as he hugged the crying girl. "You're not the only one of Harry's friends acting weird."

"I'm not?" sniffed Hermione."

"Nah, take a look at Ron, I've known him since I went over to the Weasley's house after my first year. He may be a prat and a jealous git, but even he is not stupid enough to do what he did at breakfast. Me and the twins are checking into it though."

"You think I'm not been myself?"

"Not unless you're normally extremely emotional and prone to fits on doing the exact opposite of what you would normally do."

"No, I've not been myself since the start of term. What are you going to do now?"

"You might not know it from our O.W.L.s but we're fairly smart. I was almost a Ravenclaw myself, and the twins missed being in Slytherin by a hair's width. We might not be the legendary Marauders, but we each have our talents. Mine, for instance, is potions. I just need a hair and saliva sample to run some tests on. Just spit into the jar and I'll pluck a few hairs."

"You're not going to make Polyjuice are you?"

"As much fun as that might be, sadly no. It just checks for residual potions left in your system. It'll take a while to brew the necessary potions, but we should know something by the holidays."

"Thanks Lee," the bushy haired girl hugged the tall black man.

"You're welcome kid, and if anyone asks what we talked about just tell them I reamed you a new one for abandoning Harry."

-HPatBW-

Durmstrang Sailing Ship

Captains Quarters

The Hogwarts Expeditionary Squad, or HES as they liked to refer to themselves, were holding a meeting of the officers. Headmaster Karkaroff sighed as Bernhard Klaus opened the meeting, "Well we're fucked."

The three students only nodded their heads in agreement.

"Despite Mr. Klaus's opinion of the situation, Victor we'll start with you. You have had the most luck getting recon on Mr. Potter. Analysis please," the headmaster ordered.

"You must understand when I got my intel the informant was presumed male and a neutral party. Since then he underwent a gender change and has actually become one of the seven spouses of the target in question. Potter appears to have more magical power than any five wizards you could care to name. He also has done more than most wizards do in a lifetime, how he is not the holder of more awards than he can carry is a mystery.

"I've seen his power for myself," Karkaroff said, "please tell me about his personality and motivations."

"He appears to be humble and reserved most of the time, until someone he cares for is put in danger. Then all bets are off, it would be easier to just cast the Killing curse on yourself. He is not one to brag, though I think he is a delayed blasting hex waiting to go off."

"Any idea what his treasure will be?"

"No sir, probably one of the wives. How will they manage that if Fleur and Harry are both contestants?"

"I have no idea?" Igor said, "Presumably the English and the French will work something out."

"You sound as if you think he will get by the dragon." Klaus said chuckling, "it will be a challenge for our esteemed seeker to get by a full grown dragon much less some half grown pup."

"Klaus what did we say about talking when you don't have all the information?"

"Mr. Mouth doesn't start until Mr. Brain checks the sources first sir."

The table nodded at the memorized statement.

"Any hope of recruiting the Potter boy to join our school?" Ivanava asked as she folded her arms under her impressive chest.

"With our reputation, slightly less than the Rhine running dry."

"Why don't we tell him the truth?" Lev Sikorsky asked.

"Our greatest weapon right now is the fact that the world doesn't know we are on the Light side. If we tell anyone we stand to lose that advantage."

"So we continue to hide, we're going to lose big time in this tournament," Klaus said in a low tone.

"We are hoping for a second place finish, it depends on what kind of power boost the French Champion gets from Mr. Potter. Anyway while we are on the subject, what intel have you gotten on her Olga."

"Please headmaster I wish to be called Ivanava. Nevertheless, The French Champion is a moderately powerful witch with most of her more dangerous…"

Igor listened with half an ear as the rest of his students gave their intelligence briefings. The TriWizard Tournament was not working out as Dumbledore had promised.

Igor thought back to that night twenty years ago when those muggle terrorists killed his wife and daughter, he hated all muggles for the crimes of a few. His hatred led him to take up with the death eaters. They said all the right things, feed his ego and pride, and painted all muggles in the worst possible light. He still shuddered at the memory of his initiation. There were five of them vying for an honored place with only one actually getting the coveted mark, the rest would be further entertainment for the Dark Bastard. They showed them to a dark candlelit room where he sat on a golden throne clad in the finest of attire. In front of them were a family, two parents and three children, two boys about ten and a girl that looked to be maybe seven, the same age as his daughter when she died. They were told to entertain their potential master, three of them decided to take turns raping the mother while the scared family watched. He still cursed himself that he hadn't had the courage to help them.

He cast a silent cutting curse on the mother's inner thigh while the others hit her with bludgeoning curses and cutters. She was unconscious from bloodloss long before the animals could touch her, they didn't even notice.

He then cast small cutting curses at the children. The beasts didn't see that between each curse he cast a small painkilling charm. The children continued to scream even though he knew they felt no physical pain. The snake faced bastard chuckled with glee as he watched Igor methodically take the boys apart joint by joint, the fact he knew that they could feel no pain was the only thing that let him keep his lunch. While he did what he had to do with the children, the others eviscerated the father leaving him to bleed to death.

He finally turned to see the little girl looking at him, pleading to make it stop. For the first and last time in his life, he cast the greatest of the Unforgivables. The little girl had a look of gratitude as the green spell hit her in the chest, almost as if she knew that it would be an escape from the torment. He had apparently pleased the monster as he was rewarded with the bastard's Dark Mark that night. He never felt dirtier in his life. He went back to Germany after that night with a promise that he would never follow that monster's orders again.

When the Potter boy ended his reign of terror it was one of the happiest days of this life. He had traveled back to England planning to give evidence as to who the prominent death eaters were, sadly their money moved faster than he could. He was arrested the minute he stepped out of portkey point. It was indeed a miracle that he was able to shout out the names of death eaters at his kangaroo court trial. He still spent four years in Azkaban for his crimes and he never felt that it was enough time to pay for his crimes.

Two years after his release he somehow managed to get a job teaching at Durmstrang. Two more years and unbeknownst to him some old acquaintances convinced the board of directors to make him headmaster, believing him to still be loyal to the pureblood doctrine. Under his tutelage Durmstrang still taught the Dark Arts, but now it was not how to use them but to understand them. It was his philosophy that you had to understand something before you could destroy it. Little did the pureblood bastards that still infested England know, he wasn't raising the next generation of dark wizards, far from it, he was forging the next generation of dark wizard hunters.

-HPatBW-

Hogwarts Hospital Wing

Severus Snape found his missing snakes lying on their hospital beds chatting about getting revenge on Potter and the blood traitors. "What possessed you little cretins to disobey a direct order from me?"

The four students were shocked to have their head of house standing over them. None of them could formulate a coherent answer while Snape put up his special privacy charms. "Well is your lack of an answer from intelligence or simple absence of brains? Never mind I know the answer for at least two of you but you Mr. Nott I expected better of you."

"We had them took care of, till that half-blood bastard broke our body binds," Vincent Crabbe said.

"If the Dark Lord had trouble taking him out what hope did you think you morons had," Snape used one of his best sneers on his own students, "you might have remembered what I said on the matter, times are changing."

"Like Potter will ever get the best of us," Draco interrupted, "he's nothing to a true pureblood, when I inherit the Black name I'll see him buried."

Snape looked at his godson in disbelief, "You don't see the writing on the wall do you? What do you thing those goblins wanted to talk to him about yesterday? Tell my you're not this big of an idiot."

"Who cares what some subhuman trash wants. We are pureblood wizards, we are right, we have always been right, and we will always be right."

"Detention each night for a month, I'll see if I can't make you actually use what passes for your brains for once," Snape said as he left to find a large bottle of firewhiskey. Unfortunately he had to settle for a gin and tonic, the bachelorette party had killed most of the available booze in the castle.

-HPatBW-

Headmaster's office

Albus sat in his great chair in front of his massive desk and pondered his enormous ledger. In his ledger were all the marriages, births and deaths of wizarding kind for the last four hundred years. The news that Harry Potter was married, what was that muggle saying, oh yes threw a ape hammers into his foundry. He and his predecessors had selectively breed wizards for ages, he considered himself a master of the art.

He was alright with him marrying the Weasley girl, Cinny if he remembered correctly, but the others set him back for almost two full generations.

His goal was to shore up some of the pureblood lines, which the pureblood Weasleys were bred for, he had hoped that the Prewett line would give them a little bit more power but sometimes you lost your bets.

His careful plans for the Potter line were almost ruined when that idiot James Potter married that tramp Lily Evans. He would have to breed the Halfblood with a suitable but not too influential pureblood, the Weasley was tailor made for the job. Hopefully she would make several little whelps to breed with the likes of the Malfoys, Parkinsons, and Crabbes.

He had nearly shit himself with glee when he found out that Harry was a Parslemouth, he was positive that he had lost the ability when Riddle was found to be sterile during his third year. That fact alone was the only thing that made him even consider adding Mudbloods to the wizarding elite lines.

He was fairly certain adding the Mudblood bookworm to the Weasley line would add a little stability in its dwindling male powers. After another generation or two he would breed them with a Malfoy/Greengrass child and add a little vigor to the line.

His predecessor had long ago decided that Minerva's line was to die out, it wasn't pure coincident that Roy had died all those years ago. It had been simple to drown her in so much work that dating was unlikely, and with her moral code she wasn't too likely to engage in premarital sex.

He cared little for the little Lovegood girl after the display in the Great Hall today, they always were a weird group. Maybe it was time to end that line as well.

The Bones were destined to die out as well, far too much independence in the females to make them good breeding stock.

Blaise was a disappointment all his carefully laid plans for the child were falling apart. He had high hopes for a pairing with the Parkinson girl, after another generation their child and the Malfoy/Weasley would make for an exceptional line.

The French whore was almost beneath him, he hadn't really considered breeding livestock before. Possibly he could mate her with the oldest Weasley and make a male Veela just for the fun of it. That could work add another generation and the Longbottom line could be saved from mediocrity, cause let's face it that line needed help in the worst way.

Albus tapped his chin as he pondered ways to annul those idiotic marriages, damn those subhumans for their asinine laws. Days like this one made him glad for his special lemon drops. He moaned as the special additives to the tart candy took affect, damn this shit was good.

-HPatBW-

A motel somewhere outside of York

3:15 in the afternoon

Knock Knock

Remus Lupin woke up to the sound of someone knocking on the door. His first instinct was to hurl something at it. Sadly Sirius wasn't within reach. As he cracked an eye open he noted that the brunette using his chest as a pillow was too attractive to hurl as well. Moving on to plan B, he tried to tell Sirius to solve the problem. Sirius's response sounded more like a dog being sick, not far from the truth really. Realizing that this was a losing battle, Remus gently moved the unknown brunette off him. He proceeded to inform the person on the other side of the door that they didn't need to continue to knock as he had to find his trousers first, unless they wanted to see a lot more of a werewolf than most people got to see.

The annoyed werewolf looked out the peephole in the door and saw nobody. Using several choice expletives about the knockers ancestry he decided to see if the brunette was up for round… well to be honest he forgot what round it was, but that just meant that it was high time for another.

Knock knock

Muttering curses to the seventh generation of meddling kids, Remus once more looked out the peephole. 'Nothing again. Now where was I with the Brunette.'

Knock knock.

"God save the soul of those kids because I am going to rip them a new asshole," the angry wolfman said as he stormed to the door. This time he didn't waste time looking through the peephole, he ripped the door open almost tearing it from the hinges.

He was stopped short when he saw a toothy grin looking up at him. "I will have you know that my mother never did that with Trolls as far as anyone can prove. Of course it would explain the clan of the blighters that was crying at her funeral," the goblin said with a mild chuckle.

"Oh I'm terribly sorry, I thought it was some kids playing a prank on me," the embarrassed ex-teacher said. "What can I do for you this morning?"

"Mr. Lupin, do you realize that it is after three in the afternoon. We have been trying to find you and Mr. Black for the last week now."

"Really, I'm sorry for the inconvenience," the slightly scruffy ex-professor said as he rubbed his chin, "What in the devil do you want with me and… Padfoot. Run Sirius, they found us."

Sirius was barely awake and resting comfortably between two very lovely DD pillows. His startled exclamation from Remus's warning woke the pillows. The pillows, still in a state of sleepiness herself, decided that the best way to shut up the yelling thing on top of her was to shove something in its mouth. One of her pillows worked nicely for the task and kinda felt good too.

Brunette, missing her nice warm snuggle partner, had gradually scooted to the edge of her bed. At all the noise she scooted a little further away and hit the floor with an eep.

At this time, as want to happen, a third lady came out of the bathroom clad in only a towel wrapped around her waist and a toothbrush in her mouth. "Can you call room service love, we're out of towels again."

The goblin was impressed, it normally took months of planning to get this kind of comedy. He would have to remember to thank Snaggletooth for this assignment. "Mr. Lupin please, I'm not here to arrest Mr. Black. Quite the opposite really, the Goblin Nation believes his innocence, in most things. We have business to discuss with you two about Mister Harry Potter."

Both Marauders stopped at the mention of Harry's name, although the pillows complained about this and told Sirius to get back to what he was doing.

Ignoring the moans coming from one bed and the groans from the floor beside the other one, Remus decided to do the logical thing and ask, "Is Harry alright?"

The goblin, ever the professional, asked could he please be let into the room as they were drawing attention. "Mister Potter is in good health, we just have some business to discuss with him and we need his Godfather there. Incidentally are there any more attractive females hiding in the room? Not that I mind really but I just want to make a note for my superiors as to what you gentlemen have been doing for the last week."

Remus shook his head negatively then paused, "Hey Padfoot, what have we been doing for the last week?"

"That would be me and my two sisters," the brunette with the toothbrush prompted.

The goblin said a quick prayer to Kut in thanks for the tale he could make at the next employee picnic. This was worth at least a red ribbon. "Be that as it may, I am here to inform you gentlemen that you have an appointment at Gringotts at eleven in the morning concerning your Godson, Mister Harry Potter. We are hoping to avoid any issues with seating arrangements, are the young ladies going to be joining you tomorrow?"

The Brunette with the toothbrush answered before Remus could, "Nah love, me and me sisters only here for the week of Halloween. We have been keeping ol' Wolfie here company for years. Felicia would you let the poor man breath a little, they're discussing his Godson for pity's sake."

The Pillows, apparently also called Felicia, whined, "Ah, come on Vixen, he's just getting good at it.

"No you don't, they got business now. Get Bambi up and you both get a shower. We had our fun, lets leave them to it," Toothbrush or Vixen as her mother named her ordered.

"Just because you're older by ten bloody minutes doesn't mean you get to tell us what to do," a protest from the floor, possibly Bambi, said.

"There is no need to hurry off on my account ladies, just have Mr. Lupin and his dog show up at the bank at ten thirty in the morning," the goblin said, "you have the rest of the time to yourselves. I would however consider it a personal favor if one day Mr. Lupin would relate the story of this week to me. Completely at your leisure of course."

"Anytime, come and find me after the business tomorrow and I'll see what I can do," the werewolf said as he showed the goblin to the door.

After he made pleasantries with the departing goblin, Remus turned licking his lips, "Now do I have Fox or Deer for breakfast?" They always said that a werewolf needs to hunt, they just never said what he hunts.

-HPatBW-

Ravenclaw Tower

Head of House Office

4:30 P.M.

Filius was sitting behind his desk doing his usual paperwork and grading a few essays. He listened with half an ear to the noise coming from his tower, as long as there wasn't any screams, well bad screams anyway, they pretty much did as they pleased.

His looked up at the soft rap on his door, "Enter, if it's Mr. Clouddancer please don't ask again, I still won't let you have a pet Thunderbird."

"Oh really Filius, since when do you refuse any of your students requests?" Minerva chuckled as she entered the office and took a chair in front of his desk.

It took a lot of effort but Filius managed to keep his tongue from dropping to the floor at the lovely lady that apparently knew him. "You have me at a disadvantage, madam I don't believe we have been properly introduced."

Minerva chuckled slightly, "Here I thought holding someone's hair while they displayed their breakfast all over the stairs following that party celebrating your Quiddich cup victory in 63 would make you remember my name. Not to mention the fact we spend close thirty five years teaching together at this drab old castle."

The little professor's eyes got very big, "Minnie?" he asked tentatively.

"The girls gave me a make over, do you like it?"

Filius finally was able to divert a little blood for the larger brain, "You look stunning, and I take it this change is for Mister Potter."

"Well not just him, although he is a fairly handsome young man, this is more about me. Roy was a long time ago," Minerva said looking at her boots, "it's well past time I moved on."

"Not going to argue you, he was a good friend of mine as well. I always said you should have done it years ago."

Minerva shuffled her feet some more and cleared her throat, "Filius that really isn't the reason I came to see you today. I was wondering if you would do me a favor."

"Anything in my power to give you is yours, you know that. Thirty five years ago you took an ex-dueling champion under your belt and taught him the fine art of teaching, I don't think I will ever be able to repay you."

"I need you to stand for me."

Filius took a minute before he responded, "Minnie I would be honored, but surely there is someone better for the responsibility, Albus maybe or a cousin."

"Filius, I am the last of my clan and while Albus is a great man, but he's too caught up with making both sides happy in an argument for my tastes. I am a Highlands woman, I need someone with a Highlands's attitude to negotiate with my husband's clan. Most of them have their fathers even Susan has her Aunt, I have no one to look after my interests."

"Highlands's attitude, that's a high complement coming from you Minnie. Just to avoid any misunderstanding, what exactly are you looking for in a Highlands's attitude?"

"Do you remember the last match you dueled in? The one where you bit your opponent's wand in two."

"Ahh, that clears that up nicely."

"So one of your Ravens wants a Thunderbird?"

"No he already has a Thunderbird, he just wants to bring it to school."

"Where on Earth did he find one?"

"American exchange student, apparently he hatched it last year. He claims it only has a twelve foot wingspan."

"Well I'm glad you said no?"

"Funny thing is one time I told him this in the Owlery. You could hear a pin drop, except for this weird sort of bark coming from Hedwig. You would almost say she had a hungry look in her eyes."

-HPatBW-

Hogwarts Grounds

Near Dusk

Fleur was nibbling on one of her few guilty pleasures, a banana. She didn't really know why but every time she tried to eat one everyone stared at her. She decided to take her forbidden yellow treasure down by the lake to think. She was wandering aimlessly trying to make sense of the days events, she wasn't having much luck. So far the man she had married had totally ignored not only her but the rest of the brides. What was his problem? It wasn't like he was gay or anything, all the women and some of the men of Hogwarts confirmed this. He was known to stare at the shapely female shape every now and then. What was he looking for in a woman? It couldn't be her looks, people commented on them all the time. Well if it wasn't her attractiveness then it must be him. Fleur suddenly came to a full stop, maybe her little boy comment struck a nerve. That had to be it, he was shy about having a small flesh wand.

'Oh my poor husband,' Fleur thought. 'I will help him with this, we can overcome this crisis as a couple. It's not like I've seen that many of them, I sure I won't even notice the difference.' Confident that she had solved the first step in the problem, Fleur decided to retire to her room in the carriage to ponder how to let Harry know she would still love him despite any short comings.

-HPatBW-

Hogwarts Hospital Wing

6:00 P.M.

Neville sat up on his bed as his Gran sat down in the chair beside him. "Good Evening Neville, I hear you tired your hand at being a hero?"

"Hi Gran, I swear I didn't go looking for trouble, I was ambushed," He said quickly.

"I'm sure you were. They haven't told me the full extent, how bad was you hurt?" Augusta said in an even tone.

"Madam Pomfry says that I will probably have a scar on my face, but my hand should be fine by the morning," He said as he flexed his bandaged fingers. "Having thirty points docked and three detentions for fighting in the halls sure hurts a lot worse than my hand anyway."

"Shameful," Augusta said as Neville hung his head, "What of the ruffians that started the fight?"

"I haven't heard Gran, although I would be surprised if any of them actually serve any detentions from it. Snakes are a protected species around here, especially ones who have parents that were "forced" to wear silver masks."

"Finding out how life works is always hard Neville, I fear that it is not much better once you finish school."

"We do have one ray of hope in school," Neville said as he laid back on his pillow. "Tell me Gran, why haven't you ever told me about the relationship between House Potter and House Longbottom?"

Augusta floundered for a minute at the odd question. "We were old allies but nothing more. The politics of the family is not your concern. You are still too young to be worrying about such things. The Potters are nothing but trouble, look at what that Potter boy got you into just by taking someone to the hospital wing."

Neville shut his one good eye so he wouldn't have to look at the woman beside him, "Gran, wake up and open your eyes. Do you have any idea what Hogwarts is like now? It's nothing but political wrangling, something I have been doing since I was eleven. I have made allies of House Bones, Davis, Diggory, McDonald, Thomas, Blair, Parks, and Abbott. I have made a lot of allies and friends for our House Gran. If we need allies so bad then why ignore our oldest ally?"

Neville was shocked when his Gran first grew misty-eyed then full tears began to stream down her face. "Not another one, please God don't let them take another one from me," the old woman wept into her hands. Neville got up and put his good arm around his Gran as she continued bawling. "First my husband follows Charles into Germany and gets killed, and then your father and Alice are tortured because they fought that monster with James. Now you're starting to follow Harry, they already almost killed you today. Don't make me watch you die too. I don't think I can take it. Please I'm begging you, don't follow him."

Neville hugged his Gran as she continued to weep, "Sshhhh, Gran it's alright. I know our family history Gran, I just wanted to hear why you didn't seem to like Harry. I will not do anything stupid Gran, but you have to understand there is a war coming. You can feel it in the very air and I am not going to let my family down by sitting in the stands while the bluddgers are flying. That has never been our family's way, we are fighters born and bred. It has taken me some time to find my backbone, but I am not going to let you down.

Augusta looked as her grandson for what seemed the first time in years, sniffed. "Now why the adamant defense of Harry?"

"We had a talk last night, he needs a friend right now, badly."

"What did he say to you?" Augusta asked as she tried to stop the tears.

"Well it's like this."

FLASHBACK

Gryffindor Boys' Fourth Year Dorm

12:00 A.M.

Neville was by nature a light sleeper, some people are just built that way. Three years of sharing a room with Ronald Weasley had given him the ability to run on very little sleep. So when his classmates had finally discovered a Silencing Spell, he suddenly found himself with many hours of night with nothing to do. He was just getting up for a bathroom run when he heard Harry talking to someone.

"Can you believe it girl? Seven wives. What am I gonna do now?"

Neville crept along the wall and saw Harry sitting on the window sill stroking his owls head. He listened as the owl made some noise a little too soft for him to hear.

"Why would any girl want to do that with me? It's not like I'm handsome or anything. I'm just Harry. I'm not anything special, just a freak."

He heard Harry exclaim as the owl bit his finger.

"Damn it girl, did you have to draw blood."

Neville heard the owl bark affirmatively before blasting Harry with a string of barks and clicks.

"It doesn't matter anyway girl, I just have to be ready for it. I'm gonna die."

Neville found he couldn't take it anymore. "Harry you're not gonna die, you're gonna out live us all. Hell they haven't finished messing with you yet. You still have to kill a dragon with your bare hands."

"Easy for you to say Nev, you haven't been deserted by everyone."

"You still got me. I admit I'm not much but I promise to try."

The black haired teen grinned slightly, "Thanks Nev. I just don't understand why does it always have to be me?"

"Harry, I'm gonna tell you something you may not like. Do you think you're the only one? Do you honestly think you're the only one the war touched? Several people here lost loved ones. Susan Bones lost her parents to left over Death Eaters when she was five. Daphne Greengrass lost two older brothers to an attack in Diagon Alley. Cho Chang's mum and older sister were raped and murdered by wannabe Death Eaters. Oliver Wood lost his mum to a vampire attack on his sixth birthday. Angelina Johnson had her father gutted in front of her when she was three. Come to think of it, it's hard not to find someone that the war touched. We all lost loved ones and were hurt from the war, but we don't wallow in it. Get off your arse and fix your problems, don't just bitch about it."

Harry just stared at the young man in front of him before hanging his head, "I've been a giant idiot haven't I."

Neville held his finger slightly apart, "Just a little one, but you were on your way to giant size. Don't take it so hard Harry, you never had anyone to show you how to deal with these things."

"So who did you lose Neville?"

The young lion sighed as he sat down on the opposite side of the window sill. "I guess I really haven't lost them, sure feels like it most days though. A group of Death Eaters tortured my parents until they lost their minds."

They sat in an awkward silence for a while before Harry broke it by saying, "I honestly don't know which is worse, my parents are dead and gone while yours are alive but just as far away. At least you don't have anyone trying to kill you."

"I hang around you don't I," the Longbottom heir joked. "You're wrong though, when I was five my Gran's brother Algie dropped me out of a five story window. He joked, when I bounced, that it was a test to see if I had magic, but I think he was trying to rid the family of a squib."

"I don't think you're a squib Nev," Harry said ignoring the look from the other boy. "You have power welling up in you, I can feel it. I don't think it knows the way out."

"Don't joke about that mate, my score is only 105, Uncle Algie told me so this summer."

"Whatever your score is doesn't change the fact you have power inside you. Maybe it's something different that what they test for, but I feel it waiting to get out. Don't doubt yourself, when you need it you'll find it."

"Yeah I guess so. Anyway we know you won't have to worry about getting a date this year, you got your pick of them."

"What a lot to pick from. One is old enough to be my grandmother, another is so smoking hot what chance do I have to keep her attention. One spread rumors I was the heir of Slytherin. I don't even know one, another's a bloke, one's by former best mate's little sister, and the last one I thought I knew who she was."

"Well excluding the bloke, you got to admit they're all very pretty and smart. A guy could do a lot worse."

"That's just it, I didn't do worse. I should have fretted over if a girl liked me, worked up the courage to ask her out, been rejected once or twice. You know normal stuff, with me it's always weird. I just want to be normal for once in my life."

"Harry mate, it's time to face facts. You survived the Killing curse, you can throw off the Imperius Curse like it was nothing, hell for all we know the Cruciatus wouldn't work on you either. You have fought and won against trolls, acromantula, a three headed dog, an ancient basilisk, and most of the dementors in Azkaban. Speaking there of you can make a fully corporeal Patronus at age thirteen. You have beaten the single greatest Dark Lord in several generations at least three times. Harry you are not normal, but it is fine mate. You're so much cooler that any form of normal I could care to mention."

"Thanks Nev, I'll think on it."

"If you need someone, I'll watch your back."

Harry just nodded as he stroked Hedwig.

END FLASHBACK

"You see Gran, he needs me and he believes in me. Today I really felt my magic for the first time. It wasn't a trickle or a puddle like what they say is normal, it was a raging river waiting for my command. I will help him do whatever it is that needs to be done."

Augusta chuckled softly as she fought back tears, "I remember your father and my husband both saying similar things to me. What is it about the Potters that demands so much loyalty? Promise me you'll take care of yourself, we don't have anymore Longbottoms if we lose you."

"I promise Gran, I will make Mum, Da, and you proud of me and proud of the name Longbottom."

"I have always been proud of you Neville," his Gran grinned as the tears began to fall again. "I must have had my head turned when my little chubby cheeks grew up."

"Ah Gran, you're embarrassing me."

"That's part of my job Neville," Augusta said as she wiped away a tear.

Authors End Notes: For those of you who told me the fight from last chapter was bad, let me say this. 1. I am not great at fight scenes, I am working on making them better. 2. No one wins one hundred percent of the time, lucky shots can still bring down the greatest of opponents. 3. Heroes that blow through villains like a hurricane through tissue paper is boring. Yes I know that's what it looks like I am writing but we're still in the first five minutes of the movie people, the real villains haven't even showed up yet. Rest assured that I will try and make my real villains competent, deadly, and above all smart, Draco and cronies don't count.


	6. Omake Theater

Hey yall, I hope everyone is alright. I will be honest with you, the next chapter is about forty percent done. I realize it has been a while but my real life has not left me with much time to write. In hopes to tide you over I have decided to publish this little Omake as a peace offering. This is not really canon nor is it to be taken as things to come. This was a joke that I couldn't fit in the real story. I hope you enjoy this latest installment. Oh and Thanks to Aealket for being my sounding board.

Harry Potter and The Bride Wars proudly presents

Omake Theater

Treacle Tents

Neville was a little surprised when two redheaded twins grabbed him by the arms and politely ushered him into an unused classroom. Inside Lee Jordon was just finishing wrapping a small candy in gold colored paper. "Ah Neville mate," the dark skinned prankster said, "Just the bloke we wanted to see."

"What did I do now?" the Longbottom asked as he noticed the large mound of candies on the table.

"Nothing at all mate," one twin began.

"We just wanted to show you the latest product of," the other continued.

"Potter's Patented Pranks," all three finished together.

"What happened to the Weasley's Whizzing Whatisit you were going to call it last month?"

"We did some thinking and come to the conclusion that since Harry is a partner, he has much more name recognition than all of us put together," Lee said as he twirled one of the candies on a finger.

"He's a lot more famous that us," Forge interrupted.

"And he generously provided the liquid equity to get our endeavor off the ground," Lee continued.

"And he provided the starter money," Gred translated.

"We named it after him," the twins chorused.

"It made more sense to us to have a product line in the store named after us. Can't you see it Nev old boy, George's Gags, a line of products designed to fake sickness to get you out of the pesky test. Featuring our designer Nosebleed Nougat, guaranteed to make you pour from the nose for a minimum of an hour."

"Let's not forget Fred's Funnies, a prankster's best friend, it includes our notorious Fanged Frisbees, now with cat seeking ability."

"But for our serious customer we have Jordan's Jollies, a collection of more shall we say "adult" minded entertainment. Debuting our latest creation the Treacle Tent, a candy that will instantly give its victim a massive boner or turn the headlights on depending on their current gender and, wait for it, vanish their outer clothes leaving him or her in nothing but their undergarments."

The twins plus one waited with baited breath as Neville tried to contain a giggle. "That's brilliant guys," Neville said as he picked up one of the candies, "I take it you have non prank related uses for this as well."

"Oh yeah," Lee said with a smirk, "Take one and you can instantly be an all night man."

"So how are you going to test these babies?"

"Already taken care of," Lee beamed, "We dropped a load on Ron's bed just this morning. They're specially designed so they won't go off until you're in a crowd, such as the Great Hall during the lunch rush."

Neville looked at the treat in front of him for a few seconds before he suddenly went pale. "You put these in the fourth year boy's dorm?" The trio nodded their heads confused at Neville's sudden question. "The same dorm room that Harry uses?"

"Nev, you should know, he's only been your dormmate for four years."

Neville explained slowly and tried to avoid big words, "Guys, Harry loves treacle, and I'd say he's almost addicted to the stuff. He nearly broke Dean's hand when he stole a piece of treacle tart Harry snuck up to the dorm."

"So you're saying that Ron will never get one of these candies," Lee asked just for clarification.

"No Harry will eat everyone of them," Neville confirmed.

"Bugger," the twins said in unison.

"So anyone want to take bets where Harry is right now?"

"I was going to have lunch with him and his wives in the Great Hall in about ten minutes," Neville said looking at his watch.

"Oh," Lee said before all four of them tore out of the room at the greatest speed possible.

-HPatBW-

Harry was having a good day, so far the Puffs were keeping their distance, the Lions and the Snakes were only mildly bickering, and the Ravens were lost in books somewhere. No one had harassed him, attacked him, or even so much as annoyed him. He had even found a new candy he absolutely loved, who knew they even made a Treacle Toffee.

He just entered the Great Hall and notice the wives were all at the same table, for one not bickering in the slightest, well at least at a dull roar. It was one of those days where nothing could go wrong.

-HPatBW-

"And I tell you he has to be packing a monster in his trousers," Susan said with conviction.

"Oh please Ms. Piggy," Fleur responded, "I say he has to be average at best, I mean when is the last time you saw a bulge in his pants?"

"Did you know that his pants are at least five sizes too big for him?" Gabby asked, "What's so important about Harry having a monster in his pants?"

An awkward silence was shared by all. "We'll tell you when you're older," Hermione said.

"Ah man, it's one of those sex things again isn't it?" the ten year old whined.

"Yes, yes it is." Luna said nodding her head.

"Won't tell me a bleeding thing about how to freaking please my rasafrasing husband," the preteen girl mumbled, "you suck."

"Unfortunately not yet, Harry is surprisingly nimble at avoiding us." Luna said to the embarrassment of the table.

Gabrielle just made a face and said, "Another one of those things."

Most of the table just nodded too ashamed to look up.

Blaise decided that she had been to quiet for far too long, "I happen to agree with Piggy, I understand better than any of you. Having a great big slong in your pants gives you a feeling of power, and Harry has power in spades."

"Come on and get real Dick Girl, I hate to agree with the Frog Queen, but he could just be overcompensating for something," Hermione said playing devil's advocate.

"Bite me Shrub-head," the redheaded gender changer said.

"I think Harry will be hung like a long crested Hornwaggler."

"Oi, Airhead where in the hell do you come up with those things, don't you know any normal animals?" Ginny asked.

"I can't help it if an A-cup like you can't grasp the simple reality of a Hornwaggler. Just goes to show you small tits, small brain."

"Ladies," Minerva said, "I thought we agreed to be civil for the day."

"Froggie started it," Ginny added.

"And I am about to finish it," Minnie said with deceptive calm voice, "All I asked for my birthday is one day without fighting. If I can't have that the I guess a brawl will work just as well."

Fate is a fickle thing, one day it demands blood and combat. Today though Fate had other plans.

As Harry walked up to the reserved Potter Table the magic that the terrible trio had put in the candies activated. On a side note it should be noted that ALL of Harry's clothes came as hand-me-downs from his cousin. Shirts, pants, trainers, and other such were fine. Harry firmly drew the line, usually with lighter fluid, around wearing his cousin's used boxers. So Harry had gone commando for years. Yeah I bet you can see where this is going now.

Harry said a cheery "Hello Ladies, I have something for you, especially my birthday girl Minnie."

The wives turned to look at their husband. Their eyes traveled from his smirking face to his bare chest and as they looked lower their eyes locked on target.

They stared with open mouthed wonder at the monument of manhood before them. It practically begged for them to fall on their knees and worship it.

They tilted their heads in unison as the tried to come to terms with the magnitude of the object of their desire.

Harry was blissfully unaware of the thoughts running through his wives heads. He was talking about his Chocolate Armageddon Cake he made for Minnie's birthday. The wives had a completely different idea.

Gabby turned to Luna and said, "Explain me again where that is supposed to fit."

Luna in as serious a voice as anyone had ever heard her use said, "I'm not quite sure myself but it should be a blast finding out." As an after thought she added, "not until you're a few years older young lady."

"Thank God for small favors," Gabbie added.

"That my dear sister is defiantly not a small favor."

Harry was getting slightly nervous with all the sudden attention, never mind that he was slightly cold right now. As he turned to make a brake for it one of the girls shouted, "Get him."

"I got a leg, Shrubby get his arm."

"I got the other arm."

"Watch him Froggie, he's making a break for it."

"EEEK!"

"Airhead that's not a carry handle."

"Are you sure? Looks like one."

"You might have a point for once."

"Alright ladies on three lift. One, Two, Three. Let's go to my room. The bed should be big enough, besides it's my birthday, I get first crack at it."

The gaggle of women carried Harry out of the Great Hall tied to a long pole. The ten year old bride padded along behind them shouting, "Hey can I at least watch? Pleeeeassse."

At the staff table Hagrid just said, "Well you don't see that everyday."

They tried to ignore the snow white owl doing a victory dance.


	7. Chapter 6

Hi, I hope everyone is doing ok. Here is the next chapter, I hope you like it. My thanks to all of you who have review or sent your messages of encouragement. This has not been that great of a time for me. Work has been horrendous but I am thankful to at least have a job the way things are going. I must also make a sad announcement, my first story Redemption is dead, I am rewriting the whole story. I tried to save it but I just couldn't make it work. I am truly sorry. Expect Neo Redemption soon as I will start trying to alternate chapters between my stories. Anyway a big thanks to both Thalia0965 and Aealket. Thalia0965 helped me with my French, yes I know other have offered and I thank you too. Aealket has been a driving force keeping me on task, thanks man I really needed it some days. On with the show.

{Insert Standard Disclaimer 2}

Chapter 6

Hogwarts Teachers Wing

1:15A.M.

Severus Snape woke up drenched in sweat, gasping for air. He clutched his head and groaned at the pain behind his eyes. Slowly he made his way over to his personal worktable to find a headache remedy. He finally managed to find some of the grey willows extract that had worked so well lately.

With his headache diminishing, Severus found himself too awake to return to sleep, so he walked over to his writing desk. Few people knew of his writing habit and he preferred it that way. He looked fondly at the line of books on the top of the desk, all six of them were best sellers. He pulled out the manuscript for his seventh masterpiece and stared at it for a while.

People were clamoring for his latest unfinished work, already two years overdue. He was getting some very nasty letters from his publisher, but he just couldn't find the energy to write lately. He let a small chuckle as he read some of the scenes that he had written almost five years ago.

He dearly loved his characters, the young redhead, Rose, the forthright book smart muggleborn and her boyfriend, Toby, so ready with quick wit, bravery, and an almost encyclopedic knowledge of potions that had helped the trio out of so many dangerous situations.

He frowned as his thoughts invariably lead to the main hero of his novels, Harry Potter. The Harry in his stories was loyal, not a genius but intelligent when it mattered, a master of putting pieces that the others found into a whole picture. His Harry was brave to a fault, and couldn't seem to pass up the chance defend those people he called friend. His Harry grew up knowing all about magic, and was one of the most powerful wizards alive, doing more at a young age than many older, wiser wizards could ever hope for. Not like the arrogant brat that constantly reminded him of James, strutting around like he owned the school.

He paused as before he could get his rant fully going. Why did he think Potter was arrogant again? He searched his memory and couldn't pull up a reason. His desire to write took a nose dive so he decided to look over of his classes' work. Deciding to get some of the worst over with first, he pulled out some of the notes that he collected from each of his students after class. He took the notes routinely to check for errors because potions was a very dangerous and demanding subject and he needed to review them for errors before handing them back to make sure that they hadn't copied something wrong.

The first page he pulled from the stack was Potter's notes from the first day four years ago. 'Now why hadn't I given these back by now?' he wondered. He read it. Then he read it three more times as the paper fluttered in his trembling hand. His first day speech was before his eyes verbatim. Not once in all the years he had given that speech and he ever found the entire speech written down exactly word for word. Even that lion know-it-all hadn't done more that paraphrase the entire thing. Scanning further down the notes he came to his first questions to Harry, again question and answer written word for word. 'What possessed me to ask those questions of a practically muggle born student?' Severus thought. 'Hell I would have been hard pressed to answer some of them at that age and I lived, breathed, and slept with my mother's potions book.'

He didn't even notice it until the pill was almost to his mouth. He stared at the white capsule for a minute before he slowly put it back in its vial. Albus had started giving him those pills shortly after he met with him for lunch in Hogsmeade before he had gotten his teaching job. Almost painfully he remembered Albus had to do a job interview before he could meet with him. Those capsules repressed his dark tendencies, they helped him to fight you-know-who's control over him. A small part of him was shouting for him to destroy the entire vial. 'What had Lily once told him?' he tried to remember as he stared at the pills. "Never take anything you don't understand how to make yourself."

Severus Snape took one of the capsules and emptied it into a crucible before adding a clear liquid to it. As he watched the powder dissolve he grinned. He might not have known what they were made of fifteen years ago, but he wasn't a potions master for nothing.

Hogwarts Kitchens

Early Saturday Morning

It had taken Dobby most of the night to find his target. Sitting in front of a massive pile of potatoes was a small disheveled house elf. At her feet were several bottles of butterbeer and a growing pile of potato peelings. The little female house elf sobbed softly unknowingly mixing her tears in with the peeled potatoes.

Dobby adjusted his waistcoat nervously one more time before clearing his throat, "Dobby be looking all over for you. You is being Winky?"

Winky nodded as she looked at the oddly dressed house elf, "Winky is Winky. What Pervert be wanting with Winky? Winky is good elf, very busy. Not be having time for Pervert."

Dobby rolled his large eyes, Mother be telling Dobby they're be days like this. "Dobby no being Pervert, Dobby be having good, honorable Master."

A few of the large eyes in the room turned to look at the conversation. "If Pervert no being Pervert then why Pervert be wearing cloths?" Winky asked as she peeled another potato.

"Dobby not being Pervert. Is not being cloths, it be Dobby's uniform."

Several more pairs of eyes turned to the conversation. "What being uniform?"

Dobby opened his mouth to speak but then quickly shut it, "Dobby not be knowing for sure, but Dobby's Master be giving it to him. Master say it not be cloths, but be badge of honor."

An old elf walked up to them, "Boffin not be caring what Pervert be wearing. Boffin care for little Winky, what Pervert be wanting with Winky?"

Dobby saw the old elf was on of the elders of Hogwarts, slowly he bowed to him, "Dobby not being pervert. Dobby being **BONDED **Elf. Dobby be doing as Dobby's Master commands. Master say Dobby try and help Elves with no master. Dobby's Master bond using old code. Dobby be proud to serve Master."

The old elf twiddled his hands for a minute in deep thought, "Is Pervert's Master being strong enough to take all the Unbonded?"

Dobby nodded his head at the question, "Dobby's Master be giving order that we be taking as many as we can help. Dobby not be knowing Master's limits. Dobby personally not be thinking Master have any. And Dobby not being Pervert."

"Boffin be considering letting Winky bond with Pervert's Master, but Boffin be wanting to know what being Uniform first."

"Dobby be understanding, Dobby will be finding answer and tell all Elves," the elf paused for a second before stating, "Dobby not being Pervert, Dobby being bonded."

"Boffin not be thinking Pervert be doing this alone. Boffin be loaning Unbondeds to be helping Pervert. They be asking many peoples what Uniforms be."

An accord was quickly reached and five elves popped out of the kitchens on a mission with only one small cry of, "Dobby not being Pervert darn it."

-HPatBW-

Gringotts Goblin Bank

London Branch

9:00 A.M.

Ragnock, undisputed King of the Goblin Nation, was trying to relax before several important meetings concerning one Harry James Potter. If most people were asked what the Goblin King did to relax the answers would range from plotting murder, to orgies, to beating the shit out of someone, to swimming in gold. Surprisingly one of them is not that far off.

Ragnock had obtained his crown the hard way, he earned it. He wasn't born King of All He Surveys, no he actually started his life in modest means. He was born to a moderately successful loan officer and his third concubine. He had several older brothers and assassination was generally frowned upon outside of the first concubine's children.

Not being of the inheriting branch, he started work as a teller and slowly worked his way up from there. He was probably destined to lead a fairly average life until he met a human girl who started working at Gringotts fresh out of Hogwarts. She was tall and tanned, a muggle born witch named Hope Flitwick.

He still didn't know what made her take a liking to him, but one year after they met he asked her out on a date. They were married just a little over a year later and just a few weeks before his only son Filius was born. They were a happy family and they were proud when young Filius showed signs of being a wizard despite his mixed heritage.

Hope encouraged her husband to work hard and Ragnock was promoted several times becoming an elite warrior in the hunter squads. During the wars that followed, he tried to help the forces of the light however he could, but he was often held up by his superiors who only saw the wars as a way to make more money. They used several strong arm tactics on him but he refused to bend.

It all came to a head when a regional manager named Cold Steel kidnapped and murdered his wife and four daughters. Ragnock declared a Ruhun Fyn (Honor War) on Cold Steel, something that had not been done for five hundred years. He managed to kill Cold Steel and assumed his place as Regional Manager for England.

This angered the other Regional Managers, at the time the highest post available at to a goblin. They declared him a blood traitor and a massive war the wizarding world had no idea of took place right under their noses. In the end Ragnock managed to defeat all of the other Regional managers and was crowned the First King of the Goblins in almost seven hundred years.

So it was in the hustle and bustle of the morning activities, Ragnock would select one teller and audit his drawer as a way of reminding himself where he came from and not to let his authority go to his head. He was merrily engrossed in his task when he noticed a shadow had fallen over his work station. Looking up he saw a blond wizard with a black cane. The wizard was flanked on one side by a woman with black hair with a pale blonde streak running down the middle of her hair. On his other side was an almost carbon copy of the wizard but for a few of his mother's features around his eyes.

"I am sorry wizard, but this station is closed. If you would please wait in that line over there Rootrot will be with you shortly," Ragnock said with a fair amount of courtesy.

"I do not think you understand whom you are addressing," Lucius Malfoy said as he read the Goblin's nameplate, "Bloodnut, I am a very important wizard and waiting in line is for the common filth. I am a personal friend of your King Ragnox, in fact my son was just speaking to him the other day. If you do not want to be sweeping the floors with your tongue, I expect expedient service when I address you."

"I am sorry great wizard," Ragnock bowed his head, "I didn't know you knew our King. What may this humble Goblin do for you today?"

"I expect you to remember it the next time I come here," Lucius sneered, "My son has a meeting at 11:00 today to discuss his Ascension to the head of the Black family. You will show him to a comfortable room to relax in while I deal with some paperwork concerning some properties I recently acquired."

"Of course, if you would be so kind as to follow Clampjaw, he will direct you to where you need to go," Ragnock said in a sedate voice. "Clampjaw, please show the ouihk sunuh (young moron) to conference room eight, and then help the pycdynt yht pedlr (bastard and bitch) with anything they might need.

An armored Goblin silently appeared behind them and offered for them to walk this way.

As he was leaving Lucius turned to his son and said, "There you see son, all it takes is a few words from your father to let these subhumans know who is boss. You need to learn that same applies to the mudbloods and blood traitors at your school. Never forget that they are filth compared to your pedigree. Now let's not tarry too much in this disgusting place, we have more important things to do.

As he watched them leave Ragnock motioned for his assistant to join him. He was going to let it go at a simple misunderstanding, but the blond wizard had not only insulted Goblins in their own home. He had insulted muggle borns, like his dear departed wife. An example of why such a grievous breach of good conduct was bad for your health and wallet would have to be made.

A.N. From this point on assume two Goblins talking are in Gobbldygook. I am not translating whole conversations.

"Yes my King," the nervous Goblin said.

"Shitkicker, I want the boys in legal to go over every single contract that Fucker has. They have until my meeting with Mister Potter at eleven to find something to bury that Asshole."

"Your will be done my Lord."

"And tell Bloodnut he can relax, his drawer is perfect as usual."

-HPatBW-

Olivander's Wand Shop

9:00 A.M.

Augusta and Neville walked quietly into the wand shop. They had decided that since Neville's wand had been broken, through no fault of his own, it was high time for him to have a personal replacement.

As the bell dinged Oberon Olivander didn't even look up from his work, "I'm sorry but we are closed for a while. I have a very important piece I am working on."

"I am sorry to disturb you Mr. Olivander, but Neville has broken his father's wand and is in dire need of a replacement," Augusta said in her take-no-bullshit voice.

"Ah, Augusta Hart, 9 3/4 inch Spruce and manticore baculum extra firm, it has been a long time. I still remember you practically bouncing off the walls until you had it in your hand.

"You haven't changed a bit Mr. Olivander," Augusta said fondly as she remembered the incident. "Do you think you can help my Neville today?"

The white haired man stopped and looked Neville up and down a few times, "I suppose we can't be having a wizard walk around without a wand now can we. Now tell me young man, which hand is your wand hand?"

"I've always used my right hand sir," Neville said hesitantly.

"Let's see here then. Hickory and mermaid scale." Neville gave it a wave and a nice sized hole formed in a bookcase. "Not that one then. How about ash and thunderbird pinfeather?"

-HPatBW-

Number 12 Grimwald Place

9:30 A.M.

"Sirius, what in the name of all that is alcoholic are we doing at this dump?" the grumpy werewolf complained, "We're going to miss our meeting about Harry."

"Listen I don't like being up at his hour either, so don't take it out on me," the dog animagus said, "Besides this won't take long, we just need to get Uncle Gemini's collar."

"What's so special about a collar?"

"Well it just so happens that old Uncle Gem was a well known lover, who just so happened to be an animagus."

"I'm with you so far."

"Well when he was caught with a woman that was shall we say spousally challenged, he would revert quickly to his animagus form. Worked great until a husband cast an animagus reveal spell on him."

"I think I see where this is going."

"Anyway he made a collar to counteract that spell."

"So you're going to the meeting as a dog."

"Yep."

"Only you Padfoot."

"Unfortunately this brings us to the unpleasant part of The Plan. I have absolutely no idea where the damn thing is, so we have to do something supremely revolting, Talk To Mother."

Sirius grim determined look shattered the instant her hear the shrill shriek of his mother, "KREATURE, WE HAVE INTRUDERS! THROW THIS FILTH IN THE STREETS WHERE IT BELONGS!"

"Hello Mother, still too stupid to understand the plan I see," Sirius chuckled as Remus stunned the demented house elf.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE YOU TRAITOR?" the portrait roared, "GET OUT OF THIS HOUSE YOU GRYFFINDOR."

Siruis had just a touch of swagger in his walk as he approached the portrait of his mother, "I'm sorry Remus old boy, I think I gave my Mother far too much credit, and I thought you were a good cunning Slytherin, Mother."

"I am a good cunning Slytherin," Mrs. Black said defensively. She guessed Kreature would be out for another ten minutes from the stunner.

"Father was right, Regulus did take after you far too much."

"Regulus was a good son, not like you blood traitor."

"Oh please Mother, Regulus couldn't plot his way out of a paper sack and you know it. I do wish Father had let you and Regulus in on the plan, he might be alive today if he had."

"What plan?"

"Why my plan to be a Dark Lord of course Mother," Sirius said with an eye roll, "If you had paid attention you would have seen it."

"You a Dark Lord, don't make me laugh."

"So what would you have me do, Mother? Follow a unknown man who claims to be a descendant of an ancient house. Mother we are Blacks, we lead, we don't follow.

"Regulus was a good Slytherin unlike you."

"Which of your sons befriended the last members of two Ancient and Noble Houses?" Sirius asked.

"Well Regulus made several nice connections in school," Mrs. Black said defensively.

"Right Malfoy, Goyle, Crabbe, Mcnair, LeStrange, Smithers, all of them ass kissers and dumb as a bag of rocks. No insult intended to bags of rocks everywhere mind you. I made friends with the Potter, Lupin, and several of the smartest Muggle born of my age."

"You associated with blood traitors, beasts and mudbloods."

"Minions and lackeys Mother. Every Dark Lord needs someone to do all the unpleasant tasks for them. What would you rather have competent minions or dumb as a brick purebloods. All of my lackeys were highly useful, take Remus for example Mother, I use him as an enforcer and knee breaker, while he can easily cast some of the toughest spells and is a brilliant mind."

Said werewolf gave a little wave before kicking the downed house elf between the legs.

"You were in Gryffindor," his mother said weakly.

"What kind of cunning snake actually goes in the house where everyone expects you to be cunning? Merlin's hairy balls woman, what kind of moron do you think I am? Oh I suppose it would be great to just be exactly what everyone thinks I should be. Did you ever think that having the most prominent light sided family serving as one of my lieutenants would suddenly shift a whole lot of suspicion off little old me."

"Well I… It's just that… and then the fights with your father… … Oh son, could you ever forgive me for doubting you."

"It's alright Mother, I understand. I hate to rush things but I have a tight schedule this morning. Have you seen Uncle Gem's collar?"

"That old thing? Second drawer to the left on your Father's desk, mind the poison darts."

"Thank you Mother, I hope we will have time to talk later," Sirius called to his mother as he and Remus walk up the stairs.

After they were well out of hearing distance of the painting, Remus turned to Sirius and said, "Are you quite certain your name isn't Taurus Black? Because I certainly never heard of that much bullshit coming out of one person before."

"What can I say?" Sirius grinned, "It's a gift."

-HPaBW-

Gringotts Guest Quarters

10:00 A.M.

Harry had been escorted from Hogwarts extremely early in the morning, somewhere around five if he could remember right through the haze of sleepiness at the time. Since then he had been locked in a windowless room that looked as if royalty had been spending the night. They, had in a surprisingly efficient whirl of activity, dressed him in the first cloths that actually fit him. He had requested a good suit for two reasons, one he never actually had one, and two he thought the dress robes they had shown him looked a little fruity. Harry didn't know who this Armani guy was but he was a hell of a tailor. Hedwig was also given the royal treatment and preened under the expert care. Her feathers were all absolutely perfect and her talons were sharpened to a razors edge.

After this they served him a wonderful breakfast that almost made him want to swap recipes with the cook. Don't get him wrong Hogwarts has decent food, but it got repetitive real quick. Maybe he could talk to the head elf and get to make himself breakfast one morning.

The old Goblin, Snaggletooth, had met him and filled him in on several things that would happen today. If everything went as it should, he would first take the Ascension Ceremony, then he would have the Standing Ceremony with his wives. Lastly there would be the affairs of the Houses and general bookkeeping and such. Hedwig was a little miffed that she would have to remain in the wives box due to tradition. Snaggletooth spent several hours trying to impress the ceremonies involved in each to Harry. Snaggletooth left the room feeling fairly confident that this would either work perfectly or be an unmitigated disaster.

Harry had just begun to relax, when a Goblin guard cleared his throat, "Some of your guests are starting to arrive Mister Potter. Would you like to remain here or would you like to meet them before the meeting?"

"I'll go see them if that's alright."

"Uv luonca Cen."

Harry looked pensive for a second before asking, "What does that mean?"

The Goblin smiled as he said, "It means 'Of course Sir'"

"Dryhgehk ouica," Harry tried back.

The Goblins chuckled, "Close Mister Potter, you meant to say dryhg oui, and you are welcome.

"Sorry I like to learn languages, I just don't get much opportunity to speak them."

"Don't worry Mister Potter I'm not offended. I have heard worse attempts. For example when I was younger, after a major drinking binge, I mistook a Bank for a brothel."

"How did you mix that up?"

"I overheard some people talking about making a deposit with a certain bank, and well the Goblin word for penis is bahec."

Harry tried desperately to stifle a chuckle and failed miserably.

He was lead down a long corridor to Conference Room One.

-HPaBW-

Olivander's Wand Shop

10:15 A.M.

Neville was getting very dejected at the mountain of boxes at his feet. His Grandmother had conjured a comfortable chair and was drinking a cup of tea. The eccentric old man rushed from one corner to the next pulling box after box all to be eventually thrown into a pile of rejects. "Worse case since Mister Potter was in here," said old man mumbled under his breath.

It had started as a lark to pass the time while he worked on Mister Potter's staff, but this was quickly becoming ridiculous. Resting his hand on his head, Olivander decided to do something that had rarely happened in the last dozen centuries, craft a wand from scratch for a customer.

His usual means was to take as many different wood types and core types as he could get and then make as many different wands as he could. He was bound to make one that would suit just about anyone if he looked through his immense inventory enough. Every century or so someone extraordinary would come along and need a custom job.

"Young man, I am afraid we have little choice in the matter," he began.

"I knew I wasn't much of a wizard," Neville said as he hung his head.

"Nonsense my good man, you just require a special touch," Olivander said as he pulled a massive cabinet from the back. As he opened the cabinet Neville and his Grandmother saw a multitude of eight foot wooden poles about two inches in diameter. "Inside this cabinet are wood samples, just run you hand over them until one calls to you."

Shrugging his shoulders Neville did as he was told. The woods felt cool and smooth to the touch under his hand, but nothing called to him, whatever that meant. Neville was just about to give up when he felt his hand slightly stick to one of the wooden poles. "I think I found one sir," Neville said.

"Willow, it will make an excellent wand for healing. Is something the matter my boy?'

"It doesn't feel right, like it's not complete."

"Ah, well if that's the case, run your hand back over them."

Neville did as he was told and his hand stopped on another pole. "This one sir, it feels like the other one."

"Dogwood, an excellent companion to willow, it is noted for its light properties. You certainly made some interesting choices. I think I know just the core for you, it will take time to finish it though. Give me until mid December and I will have you your wand."

"What do we owe you for your services?" Augusta asked as she got up and fixed the furniture.

"We will discuss price when I am finished with it," the old man grinned, "Now if I might impose on you two for a while. I have some business to take care of at Gringotts and could use someone to help these old bones get there."

"We would be happy to escort you there," Augusta said.

"Trust me, you won't want to miss this."

-HPatBW-

Gringotts Main Lobby

10:20 A.M.

Remus walked with a transfigured Sirius by his side. They had agreed that the Grim form was just too much of a dead giveaway so Remus made a few modifications. Sirius wanted to be a big dog, having gotten used to the large form of the Grim. Remus thought that a purebred would also too obvious, so they made a amalgam of several large breeds. Sirius was feeling rather smug after he walked into the bank.

"Did you really have to pee on that Auror?"

Sirius gave a doggie chuckle plainly stating that indeed it had been necessary and so worth it to see the large black man cuss a blue streak.

Remus and the large mutt walked up to the nearest teller and politely asked to be directed to the Lupin Ascension Ceremony.

"May I have your name sir," the Goblin said, "just to verify that you are on the guest list."

"Remus John Lupin, thank you for your time and assistance today."

"It is a pleasure Mr. Lupin," the Goblin said as he checked the list. "What is the dog's name sir?"

"The dog?" Remus said as he frantically tried to remember what they had agreed Sirius was to be called.

"Stubby!" a voice called from behind him.

"Stubby," Remus said to the Goblin.

Sirius looked up at his friend in confusion, 'What happened to Studdly McHorsefucker?'

This thought evaporated as someone latched onto his neck and began rubbing his back. Sirius melted into a puddle of contented doggy goo as the unknown female began scratching behind his ear.

The goblin gave Remus a questioning look and the werewolf chuckled, "He had the cutest little stub of a tail when he was little." The Goblin looked at the large tail wagging happily behind the massive dog. "It grew," the werewolf grinned.

The Goblin just shrugged and went back to his papers after handing Remus directions to the meeting.

"Please leave the dog alone, pudding pop," a blonde man said as he walked up. "  
I think it's enjoying that way too much for my liking."

Remus looked down at his canine friend and froze. Before his was the spitting image of his old girlfriend, Selene Dover. "Selene?" he tentatively called out.

"No, that's her daughter Luna," the blonde man said with a little sadness in his voice.

"Xeno what are you doing her?" Remus asked with a small growl in his voice.

"Luna is being tight lipped about it but considering I have an invitation to a standing ceremony I think Luna somehow got married without my permission."

"I guess she takes that after Selene too." Remus said with a touch of hurt in his voice.

"Remus, we really need to talk now."

"Conference room sixty-three, you have twenty minutes before that meetings," the goblin said without looking up from his ledger. "What? I know who butters my bread in this place."

"Fine Xeno, lets get this over with. Luna could you please walk Stubby to the meeting, I will collect him after I meet with your father. I have to stand for Harry after his ascension."

"That might be a tiny problem with that."

-HPatBW-

Gringotts Conference Room Sixty Three

The two men sat across from each other after they had sent Luna along with "Stubby" to the assigned meeting room.

"Ok Xeno," the werewolf said as he rounded on the blonde, "What's so important that I have to meet you now?"

"I am dying." Xeno said in a small voice.

"What?"

"It's my family condition, I have less than a year left, probably less that three months sanity before my mind finally goes for good."

"What are you talking about?" a confused Remus asked.

"You know about my family's condition, an inherited disease that affects all Lovegoods. It gradually robs us of our sanity and eventually kills us. Over the generations it has been happening faster and faster. My grandfather made it to almost eighty before it claimed him, my father was forty when his mind went. I have less than a year before it claims me."

"I'm sorry Xeno," Remus said before his eyes went wide, "How long does Luna have?"

"We are quite fortunate that she takes after her father and probably is too old to manifest any of his traits now. At least that's what the continental packs think."

"That didn't make sense Xeno."

"It's quite simple Remus, I am surprised that you haven't guessed that I am not her father."

"What do you mean she's not yours, Selene wouldn't cheat on you."

"She couldn't cheat on me, it was in the contract."

"That bloody contract," the angry werewolf growled, "You could have left us alone."

"It wasn't our choice Remus, it was an arranged marriage. If either of us reneged on the deal then we would have been killed."

"If it was just the contract why did she ignore me?"

"My uncle Xander was head of my family, he made it a condition of the contract that she couldn't see you. If she did then her and Luna's lives were forfeit."

The blonde haired man sighed as he turned away from Remus, "As much as I would have liked her to be mine, Luna is the daughter of the only man Selene ever loved. She is your daughter Remus. Our families blocked any and all contact with you, if either of us had approached you then Luna would be disowned and we both know what the life of someone that has werewolf ancestry is like."

Xeno turned back around as the tears fell from his eyes, "She is still too young for my tastes, but this marriage is the best thing that could happen to her. She is now under the protection of her husbands house. We don't have to hide any longer and I can watch my little girl get to know her real father before I pass."

Remus sank to his knees as he desperately trying to process what Xeno had told him. "She takes after her mother, that much I know from last year. I'm just ashamed I refused to see what was in front of me for a solid year."

Xeno laid a hand on Remus's shoulder, "She changed a lot last summer, blossomed into a young woman before my eyes. I am sorry to ask this, but my mind is suspect enough as it is. Luna need someone to stand for her today, I thought that her daddy would be able to do it."

"Of course I will, I missed so much already. I hope Harry will understand."

"I have yet to meet him but from what Luna has told me, he is a remarkable young man."

-HPatBW-

With Harry Anteroom Conference Room One

10:40 A.M.

"So Mister Potter do you think you understand everything now."

"Yes Lord Ragnok," the dark haired teen said.

As the two were delving into minor small talk a slightly winded goblin ran up and bowed before the pair.

"You may speak, Oathfang."

"My King we have the requested information," the goblin said as he presented Ragnok with a envelope. "This should have gone to Mister Potter years ago, we are looking into this incident."

"Get me the report as soon as it is ready. I do not want anyone hearing of this before me."

"Yes my King," the goblin bowed and left.

"What is this about sir?" a curious Harry asked.

"I had my legal teams do some digging into certain families for any irregularities that might have come up. Apparently you have a letter that should have been delivered a while back."

Harry took the envelope and broke the seal on the back. He looked at the letter that was addressed to him.

15 September 1988

Greetings Lord Harry James Potter

Head of the Ancient and Noble House of Potter

My name is Cygnus Black, Acting Head of the Ancient and Noble House of Black. I am writing you because upon my death you will be the next Lord Black. I had hopes of making my granddaughter the new Lady Black but my idiot brother cast her and her mother, my eldest Andromeda, out of the family. Sadly this leaves only my grandson Draco, an option that I do not relish. Your Godfather, my nephew Sirius, however is of the main house and as such should be the rightful Lord Black. I know of his innocence and have spent most of the time since his father's passing trying to get him out of that horrid prison. I fear for his health being surrounded by those evil abominations that they call jailers and while I hope that exposure to them does not leave him sterile I can not help but face that reality. I know he never had a trial and was thrown in jail on little to no evidence but the "Powers That Be" will not hear of my evidence nor will they let him be questioned. Until he is convicted or is found unable to produce an heir, he is Lord Black. At the writing of his letter you are his heir, seeing how miraculously he has not sired a child, if he is not freed and restored to health I am making it known that as soon as you reach your majority you are to Ascend to the Head of our House making you the new Lord Black. I don't know but I will assume that whoever is taking care of you has not told you the relationship between out two families. Since no one else is likely to do it the burden of telling you our family history falls to me.

You see the Potters and The Blacks are two of the Great Families that have ruled over the Wizarding World in one form or another since long before the founding of Hogwarts. The Potters and The Blacks have traditionally been rivals both on and off the battlefield. One would brag that they had slain five giants while the other would boast of six children reaching adulthood. It went for generations as a friendly rivalry until the last few generations. We do not know the cause but the Potters started calling the Blacks evil, corrupt bastards and Blacks called the Potters tenderhearted, bad smelling doo doo heads. I can not say in all honesty that the Blacks won that intellectual argument. I was ever so grateful when young Sirius and James were able to put aside this and become friends. I had hoped that the dispute would die when they became head of their respective houses, but sadly an evil came between them.

I have a few request to make of the new Lord Black that I as acting Lord Black could not take care of.

First please allow my Andromeda and her daughter back into our family. I actually approved of her marriage to Theodore Tonks and if my brother had not made a marriage contract between Andromeda and Lucius Malfoy, they would not have had to elope. I am so proud of little Nymphadora, she will be quite the Auror when she grows up.

Second please check on my Narcissa. She was forced to take the contract with Malfoy after Andromeda ran away. I will have you note that I had it put into the contract that Malfoy must live up to his family creed, Malfoys bow to no one. I have nothing against the Malfoy family as Abraxis, Lucius's father, is one of my closest friends, we are both ashamed as to how his son is turning out.

Third please if my youngest, Bellatrix, is as far gone into insanity as they say, take care of her quietly and discreetly. I cannot bring myself to do this as every time I look at her I remember the smiling child that still wanted to sit in her father's lap before she got on the train to school.

I know that this is a lot to take in, but I am sure that you will rise to the occasion. I will part with these word. Do not assume just because someone walks in the light that they are good and that everything that hides in darkness is evil.

Respectfully yours,

Cygnus Black

Acting Head of the Ancient and Noble House of Black

Ragnock waited patiently for Harry to finish his letter before clearing his throat, "If we don't hurry we will miss the appointed time Harry."

"Sorry about that sir, just some family business that I need to take care of."

Gringotts Conference Room One

10:45 A.M.

It was a large amphitheater type room with a raised dais in the front of on a stage. The space in front of the room was a large stone on a pedestal. The wives were cordoned off in a private box under armed guards while their parents, guardians, and other assorted guests took seats in the general assembly. Several armed Goblins stood at the entrances and usurer the guests to their seats. Lucius Malfoy demanded that he and his family be seated on the front row.

The Delecours were stopped at the doors like the rest by Snagletooth and were told the wife of Harry Potter was to go to the box for her protection. Jean-Claude and Apolline were shocked when Gabrielle beat her sister to the punch and started walking up the steps. ("Butterfly, you are supposed to stay with us, your sister is supposed to sit up there,") Jean-Claude said to his littlest daughter.

("But Papa, they wanted the wife of Harry Potter to sit in the box. That is me,") Gabrielle said as she turned to her parents.

("Quit playing around Butterfly, your sister holds the contract not you,") her mother scolded the littlest Delacour.

("No Mama, the contract is with the daughter of Jean-Claude Delacour. That is me just as much as it is Fleur,") she said while turning up her nose.

("Gabrielle quit being a brat and go with Papa and Mama,") Fleur demanded.

"Begging your pardon, but the little lady is right," Snaggletooth said while reading a copy of the contract. "This thing is extremely vague about who or even how many of your daughters are married to Mister Potter. It really could be either of them."

Gabrielle gave a smirk and stuck her tongue out at her older sister.

Apolline gave her husband a withering look. ("I am sleeping in one of the guest bedrooms tonight,") Jean-Claude said somberly.

("Do you even have to ask?") Apolline asked her husband.

Fleur mumbled under her breath as Gabrielle skipped to her seat.

-HPatBW-

Brides Box

Hedwig took a perch by Minerva, she barked a greeting at the women already there.

"Good morning Ms. Hedwig," Minerva said as she stroked the owl's head, "I trust you and Harry slept well."

Hedwig nodded that she indeed slept well and could you scratch a little to the left.

Hedwig received many pettings from the Gryffindor women as Blaise entered the box.

"Hello ladies, morning Hedwig," she said taking her seat.

"Hello Blaise," Ginny called, "figured anymore about being a metamorphamagus?"

"Not much, just that panties and balls don't mix."

The girls contemplated this for a minute before Hermione said, "I can see that, so I take it you're still trying to be a boy?"

"Not full time, but I kinda miss being able to pee standing up."

"Did you work out if your really a boy or a girl?" Hermione asked with a curious expression.

"Hermione, that is a little personal don't you think?" Minerva scolded the young lion.

"It's alright Professor, I am still working on that one myself. Mum and Dad think I was born a boy but some of the paperwork is confusion on that point. The Ministry stuff says boy, but the Goblin papers say girl."

"Is there a test or something to find out?" Ginny asked.

"There is but it's really expensive. We're not poor but we can't come up with that kind of money at the drop of a hat. We'll probably have to wait several months to find out."

Snagletooth still didn't know who exactly he pissed off to be stuck with this "promotion". He was a measly six months away from retirement after years of loyal service in the office of marriages. Now he had the honor of looking after the whims of the wives of the A-1 customer. He sighed as the blond one he actually liked brought a massive mutt into the brides box.

"Who have you got there Luna?" Hermione asked the dreamy eyed blond.

"This is Stubby," Luna chirped as Sirius rolled his eyes, "I'm watching him for Professor Lupin."

Sirius was confused but happy when all the attractive ladies started petting and rubbing him. He knew they were his Godson's wives but hey a little petting between friends is ok, right?

"What kind of dog is he?" Susan who walked up after Luna asked as she started scratching Sirius, "we raise mastiffs back home. Merlin, he is pretty even if he's a mutt."

Sirius didn't know whether or not to be offended. Hedwig stared at the dog who tried to grin innocently at the bird. Hedwig stare broke when she almost fell off her perch laughing. Now Sirius settled on sulking and getting his ears scratched.

Ginny was scratching "Stubby" on the stomach when she notice the boxes newest members, "Who ordered the mini Fleur?"

Fleur growled a little, "This is my petite sœur, Gabrielle. She is being asale gosse today."

Susan looked confused for a minute, "She's selling a goose?"

"Fleur says she's being a brat," Hermione translated.

"It is not my fault Miss ChiChi cannot handle reality," the little French girl said, "she just hasn't learned that Harry is mine."

"What do you mean yours?" Blaise asked narrowing her eyes at the little girl.

Gabrielle suddenly found herself the center of attention, "The petite idiote thinks she has my contract with Harry."

"That has got to be the single most preposterous thing I have heard," Minerva said, "She's what ten."

"Ten and a half, thank you l'ancienne," Gabrielle frowned.

Before Minerva could retaliate a Goblin called for everyone's attention.

-HPatBW-

General Seating

"Mr. Olivander are you sure we are allowed to be here?" a nervous Neville asked the white haired man.

"Quite sure," the elfin man said, "besides you want to see what happens to Harry today don't you?"

"Yes sir," Neville said as he fidgeted in his seat.

"I think it will get very entertaining soon. Popcorn?"

"No sir," Neville resigned replied as he resigned himself to staring at the orange haired young woman beside him.

"Augusta?"

"Yes thank you," the aged matriarch of the House of Longbottom said taking a small bag.

"I'm Neville Longbottom," he said drawing up his courage to speak to the girl beside him, "do you know Harry?"

"Wotcher Nev, nah me and me mum should have been Blacks, so we got invited to see this thing for Merlin only knows why. Name's Tonks by the by, Junior Trainee Auror only got six more months in the program.. I think me and Harry are distant relations or something. Ya see his granmum was a Black so we're something like third or fourth cousins something removed or what not. I can't wait to see what happens to my poofter of an uncle, I heard mom say that Aunt Narsissa hasn't been happy much since they married. Limp dick that one if you ask me. His son's not much better. Queer waiting to happen if I'm any judge."

"Nymphadora, what did I tell you about giving other people a chance to speak," said the raven haired lady sitting beside the color changing Auror.

"Sorry mum," the girl said as her hair took on a purple hue.

"Sorry" Neville said as he blushed, "I didn't mean to embarrass you.

"Nah it wasn't you... I mean you didn't embarrass me," Tonks said defensively.

"It's all right, I have a student at school who's a metamorphamagus too. We learned her hair changes shades depending on how she is feeling."

"Really," Andromeda interjected, "what's bubblegum pink, its Nymphadora's favorite hair color."

Neville blushed furiously and mumbled something. Regaining his courage, Neville blushed at the young metamorph, "I think Adora is a lot nicer sounding than Tonks, love suits someone as pretty as you."

The newly renamed Adora was thankful her powers kept her from blushing.

"Adora, why don't you invite the young gentleman and his grandmother over for tea sometime," Andromeda said as she grinned at Augusta who had a twinkle in her eye.

"Yes mum, " the now violet haired girl said softly, "ya wanna come over sometime for a spot a tea."

"We should have next weekend free, I'll talk to Minerva about getting Neville away from school for the weekend," Augusta answered for Neville. Ah what a trill to play the game of meddling mothers everywhere.

"Damn good popcorn," Olivander said as he took another bite.

Daniel Granger took a set between his wife and a relatively tall man with bright red hair. "Dan Granger, pleasure to meet you the blonde bombshell beside me is my wife Emily," he said thrusting out his hand.

The man looked at it for a few seconds before taking the offered hand and pumping it enthusiastically, "Arthur Weasley, this is my wife Molly. Granger, Granger, that sound familiar, any relation to a Hermione Granger?"

The large man seemed to swell with pride, "She's mine and Emily's only daughter."

"It is a pleasure to finally met you both, all of our youngest children speak highly of your daughter."

"So any clue what in the devil an Ascension Ceremony is? Not to mention what Standing for our daughter means."

"Ah I forget sometimes that Hermione is Muggleborn. An Ascension is where the head of an Ancient and Noble family claims the title of Head of House. He or She takes on the responsibly for all family business and traditionally enforces conduct for the members of that family. Today three Ancient and Noble families are getting heirs."

"Really how does that involve us?"

"Harry is Ascending due to that silly tournament, likely you're here for the same reason we are. Harry considers Hermione family and may even adopt her into his family's protection."

"Why would he do that?"

"Likely because Hermione is a Muggleborn, she lacks protection that most pure-blooded witches enjoy. Being tied to one of the most prestigious houses in Europe will help her greatly."

"I didn't realize it was so bad for my little duchess."

"Not really bad per say but Gringotts is likely the only place she could find work without a strong sponsor."

Dan Granger settled back into his seat to think when he again turned to the redheaded man, "you never did explain what a Standing Ceremony is for."

"Sorry about that you see..." was a far as Arthur got before a goblin in the front called for order.

"Attention. Attention. By the terms of the Treaty of Little Wiglet, 1624, the Goblin Nation is once again exercising its right to ensure the continuation of the Great Houses. Let it be known that Three Great Houses have stood without leadership for far too long. King Ragnock will now hear any who wishes to stake a claim to them. If anyone wishes to lay claim to the title of Lord Potter let him stand forth and lay hands on the Stone of Ascension."

Harry stood from his chair in the front of the room and placed his right hand on the stone, "I, Harry James Potter, son of James Charles Potter, son of Charles Edward Potter, do hereby claim the title of Lord Potter by reason of being the last of the line of Potter.

The Goblin waited as the stone glowed for a few seconds before asking, "Are there any challengers to his claim."

A throat was cleared before Dumbledore stood up from the back of the room, "I protest."

A small wave of noise rippled thought the assembled before Ragnock asked, "On what grounds do you challenge Mister Potter for his claim."

"I don't challenge young Harry's right to the Potter name. I am protesting that he is not an adult and therefore cannot have the title of Lord Potter yet."

"So noted sir, what do you offer for proof of your claim?"

"He is only fourteen," the aged wizard said, "he has another three years before he reaches his age of adulthood."

"Mister Potter, your rebuttal please."

Harry adjusted his glasses before speaking, "I was entered into the Tri-Wizard tournament, a tournament only for adult wizard or witches. The Goblet of Fire, a class four sentient artifact, did acknowledge me as an adult by permitting my participation in the tournament."

Dumbledore started walking toward the front, "We have found evidence that the Goblet of Fire was tampered with. I move that Harry's claim be dismissed at this time and he reapply when he reaches his majority."

"Professor Dumbledore, if you have evidence that said magical artifact was indeed tampered with, why have you not had the tournament canceled so that the names may be redrawn?" Ragnock asked the multicolored robed man.

"Once the Goblet is lit, it will not go out until the conclusion of the tournament. There is simply nothing I can do to disable it."

"In the history of the tournament has it ever been known to give a false name before?"

Dumbledore sputtered for a minute before saying, "No it has not."

"Then it is my ruling that since Mister Potter is forced to proceed in this tournament as an adult then he has all the rights of an adult when it comes to Ascension."

King Ragnock grinned a toothy grin and said, "If no one else wishes to challenge your claim, please finish your oath."

"I, Harry James Potter, do claim the title of Head of the Ancient and Noble House of Potter. I pledge to defend its honor and uphold its creed. I will guide the members of my house to the best of my ability. Let my house walk in honor and righteousness until the end of its days. So mote be it."

The stone flashed with a brilliant crimson light and Harry finally removed his hand from the stone.

"All hail Lord Harry James Potter, Lord of the Ancient and Noble House of Potter," the bailiff exclaimed.

Harry took his seat and the Bailiff called again, "All those who have claim to the Ancient and Noble House of Lupin step forward and present your case."

Harry stood again and walked to the stone once more. He was about to speak when Dumbledore interrupted him. "Harry you have no claim to this house."

"I beg your pardon sir, but I am the heir to the House of Lupin."

"Harry my boy, you cannot be the Head of House of Lupin, because as much as I like Remus, he can not have a heir due to his problem."

"Professor I know this, I am John Samuel Lupin's heir. Remus's father named me as his heir when I was born because Remus didn't have any kids. He had years to solve the problem of his son's furry little problem. If Remus had any children John Lupin would have made them his heirs. So I hope you understand Professor, my claim is perfectly legal."

Harry turned back to the Stone of Ascension and placed his hand on it. "I, Harry James Potter, heir of John Lupin do hereby claim the title of Head of the Ancient and Noble House of Lupin by right of being the rightful heir of the House of Lupin."

"Does anyone challenge his claim," Ragnock said scanning the crowd.

When no one spoke again Ragnock intoned, "Speak your oath Heir of Lupin."

"I, Harry James Potter, do claim the title of Head of the Ancient and Noble House of Lupin. I pledge to defend its honor and uphold its creed. I will guide the members of my house to the best of my ability. Let those that dwell in my house walk in wisdom and truth until the end of their days. So mote be it."

The Bailiff cried, "All Hail Lord Harry James Potter, Lord of the Ancient and Noble House of Lupin."

As Harry returned to his seat the bailiff called out, "All those that have claim to the Head of the Ancient and Noble House of Black make your claim."

Again Harry stood but this time he was not alone. "What right do you have to my family name, Potter?" Draco sneered.

"I am Sirius's heir and a descendent of the House of Black on my father's side," Harry said as he laid his hand on the stone.

"Sirius is not a true Black, he was disowned. I however and a true descendant of the House of Black," Draco responded laying his hand on the stone.

"My Godfather is the rightful heir, he was never convicted of any crime nor was he ever officially removed from the House."

"Everyone knows he was a murderer."

"Show me the documents that state his conviction."

Ragnock looked at the two, "Any other claimants to the title of Lord Black?" Waiting a ten count he continued, "Let the stone judge between the two who has the rightful claim."

The room watched as a bright light enveloped the two young men and cocooned them.

-HPatBW-

With Draco

Draco looked around in confusion at the barren landscape. No trees grew on the plain nor was they grass on the parched earth. In the distance he could see to one side a lush blooming forest full of life. In the other direction was an even more desolate land with perpetual storms above them but no rain would fall on the baked earth.

"Interesting isn't it."

Draco jumped at the voice behind him, "Who are you? Where am I?"

The man was short about five foot tall and about as big around. He had elegant if old fashioned robes on with a sword hanging from his side. He had jet black hair and silver colored eyes. His jaw was chiseled with a ring of hair around it trimmed neatly to a point. "Greetings descendant, my name is Sol Black, I am the founder of the House of Black, and we are currently in your soul."

"My soul? It looks dead here."

"Very close to the truth young one," the man said as he stared into the distance. "You are being judged by the stone, I was called to have a few words with you about your direction in life."

"You can't mean that that filthy half-blood is going to be our Head of House?"

"He has more to offer than you might think Draco. He is the instrument of change in our world, something we have sorely needed for a long time."

"I am a pure-blood from two of the oldest families, power courses through me like a raging river. What could he offer you?"

"Draco you have a lot to learn," Sol sighed, "Tell me, would you have really raped that girl yesterday?"

"She is a blood traitor, Nott, Crabbe, and Goyle would have done the deed. I just wanted to watch. If anything she should feel honored that the deemed her worthy of their attentions however brief."

Sol gripped the hilt of his sword until his knuckles turned white, "You bring dishonor and shame to my house. You wish to rule my house and yet you do not understand its very foundation."

Draco looked at his ancestor in confusion, "I am a perfect pure-blood, I live up to our creed, "Only the Pure-Blood can rule.""

"Idiot, do you not think I do not know what our family creed is? "It is Only the Pure of Heart will Triumph." I don't know where you learned that garbage but it couldn't' be further from the truth."

The black-haired man walked up to Draco until their noses were almost touching, "Know this descendant if it were up to me you would be cast from the family for your misdeeds. However there is still hope for you. A war is coming, I want you to sit back and watch until the time is right. When that moment arrives you will have one and only one chance to make the right decision. Forget all of that blood crap, watch for the signs of change. Do this and you might yet be saved."

"So I'm to wait for this darkness to get here and side with Dumbledore, you've got to be kidding?"

"You have not been paying attention to what's around you Draco. The darkness is here now, the light will make itself known spectacularly when it is ready. Don't miss it for you will not get another chance."

-HPatBW-

With Harry

Harry looked out at the forest around him and wanted to scream. "You can come out anytime you want," he said as he sat down on a tree stump.

Three women came out from behind the trees, "Hello Harry my name is..." started the tall raven haired lady just before she was interrupted by Harry.

"Obviously your Lady Black, the red head is probably Lady Potter, and blonde is Lady Lupin," Harry said as he had a sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach. "Let me guess you're here to impart cryptic wisdom without actually giving any real advice, leaving me to figure it out on my own."

The three women stood there with their mouths hanging open as they stared at Harry. "He's good," said the blond, "What was last thing I had for breakfast the Wednesday before I died."

"Toast with apple jelly and a chicken leg," Harry said rolling his eyes.

"How did you ever know?" the blonde said in open mouthed wonder.

"I didn't, it was just a lucky guess," Harry said into the palm of his hand.

The redhead shook her head and walked up putting a hand on Harry's shoulder, "We were going to be all mystic about this but I guess we'll cut to the chase. My name is Alexandra Potter, do you have any questions for us dearie."

"Sure, why not while I'm here. Any advice for the boy with seven wives?" Harry asked as he watched the women warily. One sat down on a nearby rock while the blond took to climbing a tree.

"Man dear, anyone married that many times is automatically considered a man," Lady Black interjected. "Just listen to your wives, they will eventually tell you what you need to do. They just probably won't come out and say it."

"Wonderful advice Diana, I thought he didn't want cryptic answers. Listen when they talk, give them unexpected gifts, and when in doubt massage their feet," Alexandra said sagely.

"Pay attention to what you're doing," Lady Lupin, incidentally named Artemis, called as she was swinging from a tree branch, "Remember not to play in the waste disposal area when the recreational facility is a few inches forward."

"Unless she's into that kinda thing," Diana Black added. "What it was just three or four dozen times."

The other ladies looked at her with a shocked and slightly disgusted look on their faces. "I really worry about you two some days," Alexandra added to herself.

"Hey I'm not the one taking a broadside up the poop deck," Artemis added defensively.

"That's all the advice you have? Listen and do what they say." Harry asked a little perplexed.

"That is more advice than most men get before marriage. What are you looking for? A how to manual on how to keep them happy," the raven haired lady asked. "It's not as hard as most men make it out to be. Keep them happy, provide comfort both emotionally and physically and when you can fuck them till they can't walk. Merlin it's not that hard. I wish men would get a clue."

"Like that's any better than your first advice," Alexandra rolled her eyes. "Just screw them senseless? Merlin, I'm surrounded by idiots."

"Hey that advice worked for my Paul," Artemis called from near the top of a tree, "We can't help it if you were a frigid bitch to Marcus.

"Bitch am I you piss haired slut? Well I will have you know that if you had as much brains as you do tits then you could found a college."

Harry tuned out the bickering that the elder ladies of his houses were engaged in. If he filtered some of the bullshit they actually had some good information. Their conversation continued to deteriorate so he gave a little wave and found himself back touching the stone.

-HPatBW-

Ragnock looked at the two stunned men and asked, "Well, who is it?"

"It's not me," Draco said in a defeated voice.

"I, Harry James Potter, do claim the title of Head of the Ancient and Noble House of Black. I pledge to defend its honor and uphold its creed. I will guide the members of my house to the best of my ability. Let those that dwell in my house walk in courage and faith until the end of their days. So mote be it."

The room erupted in shouts of congratulations and calls of cheating. The loudest protester was Lucius Malfoy, he had rose from his chair screaming that Potter had stolen his son's rightful inheritance. "This is absurd, Potter has no Black blood. I protest this travesty of a mockery. Who ever decided that such unkempt things were good enough to judge a pureblood. That half-blood bastard is not fit to clean my son's shoes."

The sound of steel being drawn from leather was enough to quiet most of the room, but Lucius stood his ground. "That worthless rock knows nothing of the true character of a wizard. I will not stand for this. I demand that my son be named Lord Black."

The assembled Goblin warriors only waited for the sign from their king before they cut down the arrogant wizard in front of them. Sure it would cost them a little in customer relations but they felt it was perfectly justifiable.

Harry started to chuckle softly as the room turned its attention to him. "God can you not even follow your own rules. It was the wizards that gave the Goblins the control of who secedes whom so that you wouldn't tear each other apart arguing over it. You really are a pathetic wizard Lucy, why did I ever think you were intimidating?"

Malfoy Sr. turned on Potter, "you are nothing boy, just hype trumped up to entertain the masses."

"Oh Malfoy you will find that I am so much more than hype," Harry said. "Narcissa, as I am the rightful Head of the Ancient and Noble House of Black, could you please as a member of my house answer a question with absolute honesty?"

"Yes my Lord," the woman with the single streak of white hair amongst the sea of raven answered.

"Does Lucius Malfoy serve a Master?"

"Now see here boy, that is none of your business," Lucius began as Narcissa added "He does my Lord, he has his master's mark on his left arm."

"Thank you Narcissa," Harry said with a bow. "By the power of the Ancient and Noble House of Black, I find Lucius Malfoy in breach of contract concerning his marriage to Narcissa Black. From this day forward let it be known that he has failed to uphold the creed of his house and bows to another. Let it be known that on this day I dissolve the marriage between Rodolphus Lestrange and Bellatrix Black for reasons of corruption and capital offences so that the honor of our house might not be stained. I, Harry James Potter, Lord of the Ancient and Noble House of Black do hereby reinstate Andromeda Tonks Nee Black and her daughter Nymphadora Tonks back into our ranks."

"You cannot do that boy," Lucius shouted while reaching into his robes.

"Oh shut up you quill dicked moron," Narcissa said as she stood and walked up and knelt in front of Harry. "Thank you my lord for freeing me from my bondage. I am in your debt."

"Get up please, you're embarrassing me."

"Sorry my lord, all I ask is that you please not take it out on my son, he listens to his father too much for my tastes."

"I will try if he behaves himself."

"We are not finished Potter, My son challenges you to a duel," Lucius roared.

"I decline, he is not in my weight class Lucy. Look at the facts for a minute Lucy, I beat your son before. I beat your master three times already and he could take you without even trying. I beat you as a barely trained wizard, I have had a year to improve while you sat back and lazed about. I control three,"

"Four," shouted Susan from the stands.

"Thank you, four of the Ancient and Noble Houses while you have only one of the minor houses. You are far too outclassed for this farce to continue," Harry said as his magic bled into his eyes causing them to glow a brilliant shade of Killing Curse green. "Leave this place now if you value your existence."

Ragnock used a hand signal for the guards to not be gentle as Lucius left, pulling Draco behind him.

The room was quiet until one voice cut through the silence, "Merlin that was hot."

"Adora, don't say that about our Head of House, even if its true."

"Sorry Mum."

Author's end notes: Next chapter deals with the standing ceremony. I am thinking of opening a forum up so we can discuss the story if any of you would like. Let me know what you think of the idea, my last forum didn't exactly work. Also I have my first Omake submitted by someone else. Blame Aealket for this, it is all his work I didn't do it.

Omake:

Luna stared in amazement at the the pictures in front of her. One of her fellow brides had presented this completely muggle book of animals to her. And while the pictures did not move, the colors and details were such that Luna was sure they were not a prank.

"There really is a horny toad... And a bullfrog... And how in Merlin's name did some wizard create a duck billed platypus?..." Luna was a Ravenclaw, and that meant she knew exactly what to do with these pictures. They were being sent to her daddy just as soon as the letter was written. In all likely hood he would faint in excitement when he saw the pictures and would not even read the part where Luna was now married.


	8. Chapter 7

I can't tell you how many times this chapter was rewritten. It just didn't flow but it needed to happen. I am going to work on the next one and Neo Redemption as I can, but due to RL don't expect fast updates. I am not giving up on this I have too many more jokes to make. By the way, please don't take this story seriously. I am told I tend to write crack fics and am trying to decide if this is a good or bad thing. Oh well as long as it's fun I will continue.

Disclaimer: It was not me that shaved that cow officer. Oh you mean that Harry Potter stuff. Nah, I didn't do that either or else there wouldn't have been a Ron/Hermione.

HPatBW

With Harry

Harry crashed into the opulent chair in the parlor room. It was solid leather and molded to his body like a second skin. He was halfway tempted to catch a nap but his "oh shit meter (patent pending)" was going off.

Entering his room behind him was Ragnock, Andromeda, her husband, and daughter Nymphadora, Narcissa, and surprisingly Neville, his Gran, and Mr. Ollivander.

"Not that I'm not glad to see everyone but, why are you here?"

"We're family Harry," Andromeda said as if was the most obvious thing imaginable. The rest of the Tonks family nodded along while Narcissa just rolled her eyes.

"Since when do I have relatives besides the Dursleys?"

The Tonks family plus Black sister blinked at this. "Your grandmother was a Black, Harry we're all related."

Harry shook his head and made a mental note to roast Dumbledore later.

"What about you Nev, not that I'm not glad to see you or anything like that."

"We're here with Mr. Ollivander."

"Don't mind me Mister Potter, I'm here to mediate the Standing Ceremonies. I've been doing these ceremonies for ages.

Harry shrugged, "Fair enough. Now what do I have to do next."

"Nothing really," Andromeda said, "Usually family or a solicitor handles the finalization of the contracts."

"Wonderful, know any solicitors?"

"Both Ted and I are fully licensed solicitors in both worlds."

"Great, I'm going to sit back and let you two handle the details."

"Harry, truth be told, it has been a few years since I last helped with something like this, and Ted has never done one this high profile before. It would really help us if you would give us some guidelines "

Harry looked over at Narcissa and grinned, "You want back in the family Narcissa, you deal with this crap. I figure that you either watched Lucy deal with this kind of thing, or did it for him for years. I am going to relax during this, just don't give away more than a third of what I own."

Narcissa was shocked at the absolute show of trust from her Head of House. Pride swelled in her and she vaguely wondered if this was how a house elf felt. Knocking that rebellious thought down, she bowed to her Lord. "Don't worry, My Lord, you can trust me. Do you have any preferences about the oaths?"

"What oaths?" Harry asked.

"Your marriage oaths that you give when you have the Standing Ceremonies Mister Potter," Ragnock supplied.

"Bloody hell, what did I do to deserve this? Is there a standard oath or do I have to make one up for each lady?"

"There is a general oath Mister Potter, you can always to back and have a special ceremony at a later date if you so desire."

"Wonderful, Narcissa get to work, I don't want anything in those damn things biting me on the ass later."

Narcissa nodded, she had a lot of reading to do real fast.

"Harry," Augusta interrupted, "while I think it is admirable to offer the former Mrs. Malfoy a chance to redeem herself, this is a lot of work for one woman. As an ally of House Potter, I offer my services in sorting out the details of these contracts."

Harry bowed his head, "Your services are greatly appreciated, Madame Longbottom. I guess I can't just sit this one out either. Everyone take one contract and check it carefully, bring anything weird to my attention."

Ragnock made a few hand motions to the goblin guarding the room that the Legal Division had better have double checked those contracts or else.

"I'm sorry Mister Potter, but as the mediator of the proceedings, I cannot help review any of the contracts," Ollivander said. "I can answer any questions you have, however. And please let me say that I am most pleased to be called on for this. It been more years than I can count since I have been this entertained."

"I'm sooooo glad I could help you in this," Harry snarked as he picked up one of the contracts."

Everyone else settled into work, they had only about an hour before the Standing Ceremonies started.

HPatBW

Remus fidgeted under the combined looks of the Lovegoods. It wasn't a malicious look or an angry look, nor was it a friendly and welcoming look. It reminded him of a pair of insect collectors examining a particularly fascinating specimen. It was very disconcerting being the bug. It didn't help that Sirius/Stubby was snickering softly beside them.

"So you're my biological father," Luna stated pulling out a magnifying glass and examining Remus's hand.

"Yes, your mother was very dear to me, it hurt a lot when we couldn't be together. I'm sorry but she never told me about you or else I would have been there. Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"

Luna thought for a minute before she reached over and scratched Stubby/Sirius by the neck and said, "I always wanted a pet, how about a Charmander?"

As she noticed Remus's blank look, Luna tried again, "What about a Cactuar? It shouldn't be hard to find during the full moon."

Remus shook his head and flashed his teeth in a smile. "Oh yeah," Luna said, "the furry thingie. I suppose a Cabbit is out of the question?"

"Siam is a good distance away, pudding cup," Xeno pointed out.

"What else is there father, I refuse to have one of those glory hog Pikachu," Luna said as she shuddered in disgust. "I know, you could give me Stubby, I'm sure he will make up for thirteen years of missed birthdays and could easily take down a Charmander."

Remus fought hard to get his brain back in gear, hearing a conversation involving two Lovegoods will do that to anyone. "I don't think I can just give you Stubby, he has a mind of his own."

"Don't worry Daddy, I'm sure he will agree. I need someone to keep the Nargalites away."

At this Sirius's warning bells started going off, he laid his ears back and look at Luna questioningly.

"Oh, Nargalites are the mischievous things that break into my room at night and like to hide my possessions. Sometimes they take all of my left shoes so I have to wear two right ones for a couple of weeks. I get terrible blisters but Madam Pomphrey always gives me such good tasting potions to fix them. They occasionally get extra naughty and put itching powder in my sheets and underwear. It makes me breakout, but I usually don't even notice it after the first three days," Luna said as she talked to Stubby. Sirius watched as her eyes seemed to grow almost larger than her face and water with tears. "Please Mr. Stubby would you protect me from the Nargalites?"

Most people say that a nice set of boobs will convince Sirius Black to do anything. Others will say a shapely rear will make him move heaven and earth. One greasy haired git will tell you anything vaguely female with spread legs is what the animagus ordered. They are all wrong. While Sirius appreciates a nice rack or a firm butt as much as the next man, sometimes more, what really sets him off though is a nice set of eyes. So when Luna turned those blue gray eyes on Sirius she melted his heart. Slowly, almost hesitantly, he walked forward and laid his head on her lap.

"Thank you Stubby," the eccentric girl sobbed as she hugged him, "You won't regret this."

No one could hear the vow that one mangy ex-convict made that day. "**NO ONE** would hurt his best friend's daughter again as long as he lived."

HPatBW

Snaggletooth now knew without a doubt in his head that Kut Almighty hated him for some unknown reason. Sure he wasn't the most devout goblin, true he did mostly go to church only on Aycdan and Lrnecdsyc and he had stolen a couple of times from the collection plate for beer money. Then there were those nuns he slept with, and that priest he set on fire for calling him a sinner, and that time he took a leak in the baptismal pool. Never mind, question rescinded. What had him questioning his current decent into the next layer of Ramm was the young bushy haired lady and her parents in front of him.

"Hello Lord and Lady Granger, my name is Snagletooth and I will be one of the goblins helping you and your daughter through this joyous event. We at Gringotts felt that since you were from a completely non-magical background, you might require more assistance than the other ladies."

"Thank you Mr. Snagletooth," Dan Granger began, "So I have been trying to find out all day, what exactly is a Standing Ceremony?"

"Mister Granger, before I tell you that, do you remember the date of November 8, 1980?"

"Not much really, I think I might have gone out drinking that night to celebrate a win in rugby."

"Well to sum it up, you met a quartet of men from the magical world in your usual bar that night. After a massive drinking session you and one James Potter discussed the recent birthday of your daughter. Mister Potter's wife had recently given birth to a son, one Harry James Potter. In your inebriated states, you both decided that your children should be wed when Harry became an adult. As of last week Mister Potter became an adult in the eyes of the Wizarding World. To answer your question, Mr. Granger, a standing ceremony is finalization of a marriage contract in the Wizarding World.

"**WHAT?**" roared Emily Granger. "Daniel Radcliff Granger, you gave away our daughter!"

Dan Granger was making denial noises, when Snagletooth chuckled. "Oh no Mrs. Granger, he actually got one of the highest bride prices ever paid for a witch, muggleborn or pureblood. We are actually tempted to offer him a job in our contract negotiations department."

Hermione asked curiously, "How much was I worth?"

"Easily the most out of all the brides, young Miss Granger's bride price was 25,000 galleons or roughly 26 million pounds."

"26 million pounds? What the bloody hell did you do with all that money Dan?"

"It is sitting drawing interest in a sealed bank vault as we speak. It is somewhere closer to 35,500 galleons now, give or take. You may take possession of it as soon as the contract is fulfilled."

"That's a lot of money. Harry can really afford this?" Hermione asked.

"Easily, that figure is well within his combined monthly income from the three houses he inherited." At the Granger's dumbfounded looks he continued, "The Potters are the magical equivalent of Nobility. You see there were eleven houses that were the most powerful in all of Europe if not the world. After the fall of Rome, the houses decided to move to England because it was relatively sheltered from persecution that was rampant in most of Europe. They ruled not only Magical England but much of Europe from behind the scenes. They amassed massive amounts of wealth and power. Sadly much of there power was reduced outside of England following the Renaissance and French Revolution, but their word is still greatly respected and even feared. Of these eleven, only nine of them survive to this day, Houses Potter, Black, Lupin, Bones, Tanner, Robinson, Baker, MacLeod, and O'Connor. Each House controls their own seat plus twelve other seats that they traditionally given to allied houses. As of today, Mister Potter not only controls the fortunes of three of the Ancient and Noble houses, but also directly controls thirty-nine seats out of one hundred seventeen, and with his marriage to Lady Susan Bones that number will rise by thirteen. He almost has a majority in anything he wished to present out of the gate."

"So our baby is marrying into Magical Nobility," Emily said, "How does this even work?"

"It is generally divided into three parts. First is the Standing Ceremony, or the finalization of the legal side of the contracts. This part is not always attended by the bride and groom. Each sends a representative to make sure that all parts of the contract are upheld and everything is in order. It is considered a great honor to stand for a bride, particularly if you are not related by blood. Upon completion of the Standing Ceremony, the Oath Ceremony is held, usually within a fortnight. It is similar to a traditional wedding but the oaths are magically enforced. This can vary in the level of extravagance from a simple oath in front of a ministry official to hour long rituals complete with processions full of pomp and circumstance. Lastly is the Consummation Ceremony, naturally this is done in private, usually the night after the Standing Ceremony, but not always. This may be done up to a year after the actual oaths, but the longer the wait the more suspect the marriage is. The Consummation Ceremony is just what it sounds like and is the actual consummation of the marriage, witnesses are purely optional."

Hermione had turned a nice shade of crimson at the last part, "I have to consummate in front of people?"

"Only if your family wished to make certain that Mister Potter is fully functional."

"I think I'm going to be sick," a slightly green Daniel Granger said as he flopped into a chair."

"So we have to plan a wedding today?" Emily asked as the logistics of such a thing whirled in her head.

"It is not a religious wedding ceremony like you are thinking, this is just the finalization of a magical contract. Some people do however have both kinds, usually they are within six months of each other is traditional for that kind of thing. Actually that might not be such a bad idea to hold any religious ceremonies for a later date due to the number of ceremonies that Mister Potter has today."

"Damn," Emily said, "That's not a lot of tim… Did you say Ceremonies?"

"Yes. As I said, at last count Mister Potter is head of three Ancient and Noble Houses and has six open contracts with one of those in dispute and an unfulfilled life debt."

"This is legal?" Daniel Granger asked hopefully, "Wouldn't Harry having so many contracts invalidate some of the others?"

Snaggletooth just shrugged, "One would thing so but Magic has accepted the validity of all the contracts. Magic is used in a lot of contract disputes to determine what is legal. Don't blame us, we didn't invent the system."

Daniel just put his head in his hands, "Great-Auntie Beth is going to kill me for this."

"Oh, I don't know _Lord Granger_," the use of his title let Daniel know just exactly how upset his wife was at the moment. "Assuming you survive what I plan to do to you, your Royal Aunt might have use for more than 26 million pounds." Daniel swallowed loudly. "And for that matter, she will be pleased that our daughter has married so well instead of finding her way into the Gazette like so many of her cousins have. Of course you will need to explain why she is going to need to knight, and ennoble Harry, as no daughter of mine is going to be married to a commoner."

"Well as to that, Lady Granger, three Ancient and Noble Houses is about as far from common as one can get," Snaggletooth added while wondering if maybe Kut was upset by his deflowering that set of Goblin twins the night before they were to be married. Oh well.

HPatBW

Fillius was watching a pacing Minerva literally wear a path in the rug. "Minnie, will you sit down, it will be alright."

"That's bloody easy for you to say," Minerva snorted, "you're not marrying one of your students. Merlin, what am I thinking? I mean I'm four times older than him. I should never have listened to that bat shit crazy diviner. I changed his diapers for Merlin's sake. Hellfire, I changed his father's diapers for the love of Pete."

"Well at least you have some idea of what the honeymoon will be like."

Minerva whirled on the half-goblin and fired a puce colored spell from her hand as Fillius hit the floor. The wall was covered in slime where the odious light hit it.

"I was only trying to lighten the mood Minnie. I'm sure he's grown a little since then."

Minerva leveled a look that usually quieted even the most rowdy classrooms, "Har de Har Har, I'm glad my problems give you so much to laugh about."

Filius got up and walked over to Minnie and put an arm around her waist, "I promise, it will be alright, you will get through this."

"How can I even look at him? How can he even stand to be near me after I failed him? I left him there on that doorstep, I walked away that night, I left him in hell on earth. I failed James and Lily's baby. What am I going to do?"

Filius was about to respond when the door opened and a white bearded wizard barged into the room. "Filius, Minerva, I'm glad I finally found you. It is imperative that we get young Harry back under control. He's much too young to be running around with that kind of power, fortunately, Minerva, your marriage contract gives us a perfect opportunity to regain control of him. Now then, I will handle the Standing Ceremony, with a little luck and careful negotiations I can get most of the family fortunes safely under our control where it belongs. Once we have him safely under control we can begin exerting pressure on House Bones, now that we have its heir under our control. We will then have close to a majority of the Ancient and Noble Houses under our control. We could have control of fifty-two house seats out right and influence of who knows how many more. At first I thought this was a horrible idea, but the more I think on it, I realize that this is one of the greatest opportunities that the light has had in a long time. Think about it all that power and influence controlled by one man, oh the good that I can do. Can you see it Minerva?"

Halfway through Dumbledore's rant Fillius had finished transfiguring a chair into a mini blast shelter and was adamantly wishing for some popcorn as he peeked through the periscope.

The Witch being asked the question when the rant started was looking at the old man with a mixture of worry, curiosity, and shock. All three quickly gave way to feelings of hurt, betrayal, and just good old all around pissed off. Minerva's hands were clenched into fists and a faint light was starting to grow. "Oh I can see it all right. You want to guide his selection of who sits in his family seats in the Wizengot."

"Yes, he's much too young to know whom to trust."

"And you want to send him back to his Aunt and Uncle's care this summer."

"Well it is for his protection."

"And you want to use his family fortunes to fund programs and incentives to keep people, like Lucius Malfoy, from falling further into the darkness."

"Everyone deserves a chance to redeem themselves, Minerva."

"And you just want me to stand around while you bugger my husband once again?"

"Well if you would be so polite as to stand aside… wait what?"

Filius gave the old man credit, he doubted if he could have dodged that blast of lightning any better. He watched as Dumbledore dodged for all that he was worth as Minerva punctuated every sentence with a blast of elemental fury.

"I have had it up to hear with your I-know-better-than-anyone bullshit, Albus." Stream of Fire "That man you are talking about has been through more shit than most men see in a lifetime." Ice ball "If you think I am going to sit back and let you take what is rightfully Harry's then you are sadly mistaken." Wind Blast

"Minerva, please understand, I am doing what is best for everyone. If Harry had to endure some small hardships, it will be worth if for the greater good of all. Isn't it illegal to use magic inside Gringotts?" the ancient wizard asked as he did a tuck and roll to avoid a blasting hex.

"Only if you use wands," came the reply from outside the door. The Goblin Guards weren't stupid by any measure.

Fillius and the awestruck guards stood in awe as the Scotswoman's famous temper continued to bash against the increasingly frantic Headmaster.

"I'm not sure if I should applaud the lady or pity the idiot," one of the guards finally said.

"You can take your "Greater Good" and shove it up your ass." Cone of fire "I will be watching out for Harry from now on." Lightning Bolt "It is my job as his wife." Low Flying Cutter "Now get out of my room."

"But what about your Standing Ceremony?"

"That job is taken care of, if you must know Filius will be standing for me. He has been watching my back for years now, whether I deserved it or not."

The old wizard made some protest but was eventually escorted out the door, by the now very respectful guards.

"That was an amazing display, thank you by the way," Filius said as he slumped against the door.

"For what?"

"For saying that I was there for you, it's been lonely since my sisters and mother were killed. Despite who my father is, I'm not really welcomed in the Goblin world. You're almost like having one of my sisters back."

The tall witch pulled the short wizard into a hug, "You will always have a sister in me. I always imagined that if I had a brother, he would be a lot like you."

The two teachers stayed in a hug for a while till one of the fashion goblins respectfully came to get them both ready for the ceremony.

**Outside the door**

So we gonna to turn her in? one guard asked.

After that display? Are you taking your medicine like you're supposed to? Besides it's not like she used a wand or anything.

True that. Bloody hell, what does she teach again?

Transfiguration, I think.

Who the hell decided that? Should have at least been DADA, I sure as hell wouldn't want to fight her.

The other guard nodded in agreement.

HPatBW

Weasley Room

"How am I going to get Harry to notice me?" cried the youngest Weasley.

Her Mother was trying to console her while her father was looking over the documents that the goblins had given them. Snaggletooth had been most helpful with a selection of options for fulfilling the life debt, unfortunately marriage seemed the only viable one.

Arthur was well aware that he could have bought his way out of this situation, unfortunately his was an impoverished family. He made just enough to send his seven kids thought Hogwarts if he and Molly did without a lot of little luxuries. It was a quiet existence but they enjoyed it. Arthur took great pride in saying that for the first time in generations the Weasleys owed nothing to anyone. He had cleared all of his family of debt through hard work and was very reluctant to add more.

His other option was that someone in the Weasley family does a deed for Harry as great as the one that indebted Ginny in the first place. Not bloody likely from what the documents said. Single handedly killing a Basilisk was epic by any measure.

Lastly was the only option available to them, his daughter's hand. It didn't even have to be marriage, Harry owned Ginny, bristles, twine, and handle. His only recourse was negotiating for her treatment. He was lost in thought as he heard Molly's advice to Ginny.

"Oh don't worry, you just do like I did with your father and slip him some love potion and you both will get along just fine."

"Molly, how many time do I have to tell you?" said Arthur in an exasperated voice, "Fire whisky is not a love potion."

"Worked on you didn't it?" the plump witch quipped back.

"Merlin, why did I marry you again?"

"Because I had a figure that made boys run into walls," Molly said in a husky voice while giving Arthur a sassy wink.

"You still look gorgeous in my eyes," Arthur replied with a little growl in his voice.

Ginny had her eyes shut tight and her fingers in her ears trying to drown out the icky things her parents were discussing.

"Oh come on," Molly said after she pulled her daughters fingers out of her ears, "you are old enough to know where you and your brothers came from. You have six brothers for Merlin's sake. We had to have had sex a couple of times."

"Nope, didn't happen. They were adopted before you adopted me."

"Actually it's a lot more than six times," Arthur grinned, "Why with you kids out of the house, it's a miracle your mother ever gets off her back."

"La La La La La, I can't hear you."

"That is not true Arthur and you know it. I spend a third of it on my knees and the other part riding."

"!LALALALALALALA"

"Such a disrespectful daughter, she gets it from your side of the family."

Arthur just rolled his eyes. "Anyway, I'll meet with Harry and get this settled. Don't worry Harry is a good kid, just be yourself. I promise everything will be alright in the end." Now if he could only make himself believe that.

HPatBW

Zabini Room

"So just to be clear, you are our daughter now and can't change back into our son," Leonitas Zabini asked for the fifth time.

"Yes father, I was a boy for most of my life," Blaise said in exasperation.

"Because I distinctly remember you peeing on me several times until I learned to cover you with a washcloth while changing your diaper."

"Yes father, I could pee standing up and everything."

"You're sure you didn't cast any funny spells or misplace it or anything like that?" Camille Zabini asked.

"Yes mother, I left my penis on my nightstand and just simply had to have this set of tits. Do you think they're me?"

"Sorry sweetie, this whole thing has our nerves on edge," Camille said as she paced the room.

"Your nerves are on edge? I lost my identity, my manhood, and am being forced to marry the bloke I had a mild crush on."

Leonitas caught onto something rather quickly, "How long have you had a crush on another guy?"

"Father, I didn't mean it like that?"

"You can tell me son, there is nothing to be ashamed of. I used to have a little fling with a boy when I was your age."

Blaise's eyes went wide as it dawned on her, "Well that does explain Uncle Ulysses. I kinda liked Harry for ages, but I really started liking liking him sometime during second year. I still notice girls on occasion, but there was always something about him that just drew me to him. It is stupid anyway, he never even notices that I'm around."

Leonitas put his comforting arm around his child, "Then you need to show him what he's missing. You are my child no matter what gender you are. You are smart, talented, beautiful, cunning, and loyal to the family, if he can't see that then we will find a way out of this."

"Thanks Dad, I needed that."

HPatBW

Bones Room

Susan was sitting trying not to fidget while her Aunt Amelia talked with a serious looking goblin.

"We haven't been able to find much, but my officers are still looking into things," the square jawed witch said with obvious irritation.

"Madam Bones, I speak for Gringotts and my King when I say that we have every confidence in your aurors. We realize that contrary to his looks Vernon Dursley is a crafty individual. We have had a team of the best goblin accountants working on him for at least a week and they have only found a little over 1500 pounds of embezzlement.

"That doesn't sound like that much," Susan piped up.

The goblin shook his head sadly, "It's not, from the way they spent money it should be several hundred thousand if not millions of pounds. We tracked down at least two secretaries that were fired after they tried to turn Vernon in for sexual harassment. Both came down with unfortunate cases of memory loss. Petunia also had a little harem of men that supposedly did odd jobs around the house, although we learned Mister Potter did most of the actual work while the men entertained Mrs. Dursley."

Amelia leafed through the papers the goblin gave her about their findings. "Any clue who did the memory wipes?"

"We were hoping you could tell us. We lack a reliable way to test the ladies that will stand up in court."

"Not without the wands that did the deed. Harry's own magic is making it hard to get evidence that he was abused. All we have is that he looked underfed when he first showed up at Hogwarts. Madam Pomfrey stated that she didn't due a physical on him until almost the end of term. By then his magic had repaired most all of the damage, including all but the most severe scars. Unfortunately they can be argued as being from an active childhood."

"Can't you use Harry's word about what happened?" Susan asked with interest.

"Circumstantial at best, we could try that but without hard evidence they would probably walk."

"That's not right," Susan said as she peeked at the documents over her Aunt's shoulder.

"Don't worry, we haven't given up," the monocle wearing witch said as she hugged her niece.

"Indeed we will not, Madam Bones," the goblin chuckled evilly, "There is more than one way to ruin a human after all."

HPatBW

Delacour Room

Translated from French

"Please Butterfly be reasonable," Jean-Claude pleaded. His youngest had got it in her head that she was the one to fulfill the marriage contract with the son of his old friend James. "You weren't even born when the contract was written."

"I don't care Papa, I have just as much a right to be Harry's bride as Fleur," Gabrielle said as she stamped her foot.

"You are ten years old, you haven't the slightest idea of what being a wife involves," Apolline said.

"If Fleur can do it, so can I, besides the nice goblin said that it could be me so I want my fair shot."

"Butterfly, it's not that we question your ability to be a good wife someday, it's just you are physically too young to fulfill the marriage contract. The absolute earliest one of our kind has matured eleven, even we veela need time to mature, Gabrielle," her mother said as she hugged her tight.

"But I'm nearly eleven," she sobbed.

Her mother rubbed her back and sang softly to her. Fleur joined in the wordless song that lifted the little girl's spirits a little. Jean-Claude checked his watch, "It's time to begin." He collected his girls and walked them into the big conference room where the others were waiting to begin.

HPatBW

The Standing Ceremony was one of the dullest things Harry had ever seen, and he had been forced to go to one of Dudley's piano recitals. The room had Harry on one side of a large table and the representative for the wives on the other side. Mr. Olivander and Ragnock were at the head of the table along with an official scribe. The Ceremony was opened by Mr. Olivander and they took turns standing and saying if they were happy with the contracts.

The first one to voice a request was Filius, who argued for Minerva's right to work after marriage. This mildly shocked Harry as he couldn't imagine Professor McGonagall doing anything other that teaching. Remus went next and asked if Luna would be allowed to finish school. With a brief pause to make sure he had heard the request correctly, Harry stated that any of the women that wanted to finish school would be able to, hell he even offered to pay for post secondary education. This brought a squeal from Hermione as the thoughts of walking down the halls of Oxford and Cambridge was always a childhood fantasy of hers. Amelia wanted at least one child to have the Bones name. This derailed Harry's mental train for a minute before he agreed that they all could continue their family names if they wanted. Dan had to state that he was ok with the marriage as long as his daughter was but his Head of House had to approve the match before anything was finalized.

This did bring Harry's brain back to the task at hand, so to speak. He suggested that there be a probationary period of at least six month, but not longer than eighteen months at Narcissa's suggestion, for Harry to get to know the women he was marrying. Gabrielle jumped for joy with a mighty squeal of joy. She proceeded to inform everyone present that the only valid reason for her not to be considered for the contract was that she had not yet hit puberty, in veela terms that would happen by the time she hit twelve and Harry's delay clause was well within that time frame. The parties tried everything to dissuade the excitable little girl but she would have none of it. Her only pause in chanting "Je vais épouser Harry" was to ask if she could be allowed to attend Harry's school next year. Her mother almost cried, the Delacours had attended Beauxbatons for hundreds of years, what could make her want to attend Hogwarts of all places. The room was stunned into silence when Gabby just looked at her mother like she was an idiot and stated that she didn't want to go to Hogwarts at all, she specifically said she wanted to attend Harry's school. It wasn't the prepubescent veela's fault that she didn't know what Harry's school was called.

Harry's brain momentarily backfired as he realized what Gabby was saying. He was the Forth Champion, not the second champion of Hogwarts. The reality of this monumental statement took a while to sink in. Ragnock looked like he had just won the Irish National Lottery. After this revelation, the meeting ended with Harry and the ladies swapping general oaths to abide by the contracts

HPatBW

That night at the Leaky Cauldron (closed for private party)

"Bloody Hell, what are we supposed to do now?" Daniel Granger asked the bar in general as he and the other "Dads" went off to do what most men do when a situation gets too complicated. Drink.

"What do you mean?" Ted Tonks responded as he poured another pint of beer into a bucket.

"It's in the bloody handbook or something. Your daughter brings home some bloke, you get to intimidate the hell out of him, and then you eventually get all chummy with him and welcome him into the family. It's tradition, been done this way for thousands of years. Bloody daughter winds up already married. It takes all the bloody fun out of it."

"Yeah," Xenophilus said, "Kind of hard being intimidating when your son-in-law stared down a Basilisk and won."

"At least you knew you had a daughter, I found out about it this morning," Remus said as he passed Stubby the bucket of beer.

"Is that really healthy for the dog?" Arthur asked as said dog dived head first into the beer.

"You try taking it away from him," Remus challenged as Stubby let a wet growl from the bucket.

"Alcoholic dogs aside, at least your daughter wasn't your son last week. Could have sworn she had dangly bits when he was born," Leonitas Zabini said as he downed a shot. "I don't even get to watch him... er her... Blaise blossom into a young lady. Now I wish I hadn't let my wife talk me into giving her the talk last summer."

The assembled men shuddered for a minute before Arthur spoke up, "I know what's gonna happen eventually when they seal the contracts, but my boys said he had a rather shitty homelife, and well I was wondering. Do you think anyone gave him the, you know, talk?"

Xenophilius asked after the silence got too heavy, "you mean "The Talk" talk?"

"Bound to have picked most of it up by now." Fillius said as he refilled his beer.

"That would be his Godfather's job." Daniel said. Stubby lifted his head out of the bucket at that statement.

"He's an escaped convict unfortunately," Arthur said, "Kinda limits the old bonding time."

"I vote we make Ted do it," Remus said.

"Why me?"

"You're the only non convict male relation he has."

"Bloody hell, bad enough Andy made me give it to Adora. I'm not doing this alone, you lot are going too. Do it as a group while we're all piss drunk. Hell, get Neville and Ron, you know any of the boys in too have a big group talk. Lots of beer and liquor."

"Oui," slurred someone from the floor.

"He said liquor not Delacour, ya drunk ass bastard. Of course I would be too if my baby got married at ten."

"So how do we get a hold of our victim, um Harry, for this little chat?" Daniel asked even as he watched Stubby finish his bucket of beer and start looking around for more. "You know I don't think I've ever seen a dog hold his beer this well before."

"Have you ever even seen a dog drink beer before?" Remus had to ask as he started to prepare Stubby another bucket.

"Well once, after a rather exciting rugby game, the guys and I may have invited our hunting dogs to the party…"

"We should use the owl," Xenophillus slurred. "And you see to it that someone watches over my moonbeam." Which had the effect of causing all of the gathered men except for Delacour, who started to snore loudly, to look at Xenophillus.

"I think I haven't had enough to drink yet," Arthur mentioned as he grabbed another bottle. "That didn't make sense to me. Do you want us to get the owl drunk?"

"I understood the moonbeam part," Remus said, as he put down Subby's next bucket. "And I do have a plan for that, but the owl comment went way beyond me."

"You have a plan to get the owl drunk? I simply meant that she's Harry's owl," Xenophillus replied. "Luna says she is very special to Harry. She is watching us from up there. I say we make the owl do "The Talk"."

"You know, I'm about drunk enough to understand that," Leonitas slurred while looking up at the now pointed out Hedwig. "But not quite."

"Except I think the owl looks upset with us," Ted mentioned. "That and I can't speak owl. You think she wants a beer?"

"Ya don't need to speak owl, ya need to listen owl." Xenophillus blinked and continued. "She looks more like a shot kind of bird to me, anyway what is your plan?"

Hedwig listened to the drunken wizards plot and plan on how to give Harry "The Talk". She was fairly certain that Harry had gotten most of "The Talk" when she trying to explain things to him and Ron during second year. Hedwig ruffled her feathers a little bit at the memory, she was still annoyed Ron fell asleep halfway through her discussion. She flew down and snatched a small bottle of gin before she regained her perch. 'Damn wizards are daft,' she thought as she pulled the cork from the bottle. 'Why do shots when the bottle works better'.

Next up: First dates and First tasks


	9. Omake Theater 2

Well, it's been a while since I published something. I could make several excuses such as lack of time, family commitments, funerals, weddings, two surgeries and having to deal with a registration renewal at work. Oh well, shit happens. These are a pair of Omakes, note that means that they are jokes that don't fit into the story but I still wanted to write them. The first is a supposed future many years after bride wars. The second is what happens when you work sixteen hours then here The Scotsman song after reading Hagrid's Wiki page. I hope you enjoy the real chapter will be out eventurally.

Harry Potter and the Bride Wars proudly presents Omake Theater Two.

"I still don't see what the big deal is Gabrielle, I met your father last week and he loved me," the tall brown haired man said as he covertly watched the blonde's butt as she walked nervously to the study of the massive house.

"Philippe, I love you but you have to understand that Harry's approval means just as much to me as Papa's but it'll be much harder to get. Harry is a little... protective of me."

The young man scoffed, "I still don't believe half of the things that are said about him. He's done a great deal for the world but he's still just a man."

"I have been in his employ since I was ten, the term "just" doesn't apply when you actually see him face to face."

"Gabrielle, quit worrying. I got through the meeting with your father to ask for your hand just fine. I'm sure that this one won't be any different."

Gabrielle stopped in front of the massive doors, she kissed Philippe on the cheek and left with nervous glance back.

Philippe straightened his jacket and knocked. "Enter," came a cute voice from the other side of the door.

As the door swung open it took Philippe a minute to take in the majesty of the room. It was ornately but tastefully decorated. Philippe took quick note of the mixture of tech and magic that filled the room. A young man sat behind a rather large desk littered with papers and books. He had a small blonde girl in his lap that looked to be around six years old. The little girl was dressed in a white nightgown and holding a book of some sort in her hands.

"Have a seat," Harry said pointing to a waiting chair on the other side of his desk.

Philippe took his seat quickly and extended his hand, "Philippe Beauchamp, sir. Gabrielle talks about you all the time, It is an honor to meet you."

"I know who you are Mr. Beauchamp," Harry said in a bored voice. "Get to the point for my time is short today, I was just about to read my little Diana a bedtime story."

Philippe stared at his hand for a second before pulling it back quickly. "She is a beautiful little girl, sir."

The little girl looked up at Harry with her bright green eyes, "Mummy Two was right, c'est un charmeur."

Philippe was finding it hard not to wilt under Harry's glare. "I'm here today to get your approval to marry Gabrielle, sir."

"Really Mr. Beauchamp, what gave you the impression that you are good to marry my Gabrielle."

"Papa," Diana said cutely.

"Yes Moonbeam, what is it? Papa's trying to have a conversation here."

"I know Papa, but Mummy Five says that you're not allowed to kill anybody else. Great Auntie is having a hard time explaining the bodies," the little girl relayed. "Mummy Three says that if you make anymore paperwork for her she's gonna casti... custr... kak... neuter you like GrandPapa Remus," Diana concentrated as she tried and failed to say the big word. "Reading is Fundamental," she added just to use Mummy Three's favorite saying.

"Hmm," Harry said as he gave Philippe a look that screamed he was calculating exactly how much the trouble he would be in and if it was worth it.

Before Philippe could continue the little girl added, "Mummy Six did say that grievous bodily harm was ok, but no permanent injuries."

"Ah," said Harry as he once again turned his attention to the man on the other side of the desk.

Philippe swallowed nervously at the wicked grin that adorned Harry's face. "I love her. I can't imagine life without her."

"Mr. Beauchamp, I know all about you. I know you barely finished school, that your parents were a drunk and a womanizer. What makes you think that you are even remotely good enough for her. If the best you can do is "I love her" then I will make it simpler for you. Here is five thousand galleons, take it and kindly forget about My Gabrielle and leave my house."

Philippe stared at the single most powerful man in the world. His mind refused to acknowledge the words that came at him like a freight train. "Are you gone yet? I have to read to my daughter."

"Yes sir."

"Good, Dobby will show you the way out."

"You are right, I'm not good enough for her. I'm not from the best of families, I wasn't born with a silver wand in my hand. I'm not the smartest either, I've had to struggle to learn anything but I know this. I love her and if that means that she wants a useless idiot like me then so be it. I will be there for her in the thick and the thin times. I will comfort her when she's sad, make her laugh when she cries, and I will reign her in when she tries something stupid. I love her so much the very thought of life without her is inconceivable. I love her and you and your money can frankly go to heck, sir. I will be by her side for as long as she will have me and I will be there for her even past then. I will marry her if she'll have me no matter what anyone says, because I love her."

"Thank you for not cursing in front of my daughter, she picks up enough words from her uncles as it is. I was hoping you would have the stones to say that to my face."

Philippe stood there in shocked astonishment, "I don't understand sir."

"It's simple future Unca Clangy," Diane said, "Papa wants what's best for Auntie Gabby. If you would have just left then you wouldn't have been worth Auntie Gabby. Now I have a meeting to attend, goodnight Papa, goodnight future Unca Clangy."

As the little blonde hopped down after kissing her papa on the cheek, Philippe asked something that had been bothering him. "Why are you going to bed now, it's only three in the afternoon?"

The blonde in the white nightgown stomped her foot cutely, "I will not have my sleep schedule dictated by some flaming ball of gas."

Harry was forced to stifle a chuckle, "She's having a sleepover and doesn't want to wait for night time to have fun."

Diana beamed, "Auntie Hedwig is so cool to let me sleep in her room, but Papa could you please remember to put a silencing charm up tonight. I hate the way Mummy screams yes all night, it sounds like it hurts."

"Sure thing, just give Hedwig my love when you see her," Harry blushed as the blonde skipped out of the room to find the owl.

Clearing his throat Harry grinned a little at Philippe, "Hedwig's room is right next to mine and I forgot one time to put a silencing charm up. Remember son, some things you can never live down."

HPatBW

An adaptation of the Scotsman song look it up on Youtube or something, it's awesome. Everytime my local morning radio station plays this on Friday mornings I automatically substitute Hagrid for the Scotsman.

Events following Hogsmeade's first annual Scottish Heritage Festival

_Well a Giant clad in kilt left a bar on evening fair_

_And one could tell by how we walked that he drunk more than his share_

_He fumbled round until he could no longer keep his feet_

_Then he stumbled off into the grass to sleep beside the street_

_About that time two young and lovely girls just happend by_

_And one says to the other with a twinkle in her eye_

_See yon sleeping Giant so strong and handsome built_

_I wonder if it's true what they don't wear beneath the kilt_

_They crept up on that sleeping Giant quiet as could be_

_Lifted up his kilt about an inch so they could see_

_And there behold, for them to see, beneath his Scottish skirt_

_Was nothing more than God had graced him with upon his birth_

_They marveled for a moment, then one said we must be gone_

_Let's leave a present for our friend, before we move along_

_As a gift they left a blue silk ribbon, tied into a bow_

_Around the bonnie star, the Giant's kilt did lift and show_

_Now the Giant woke to nature's call and stumbled towards a tree_

_Behind a bush, he lift his kilt and gawks at what he sees_

_And in a startled voice he says to what's before his eyes._

_O lad I don't know where you been but I see you won first prize_

The next morning:

Hagrid plopped down next to Filius and his massive head crashed down onto the table. The littlest professor wiped up the tea that had spilt out of his cup, "Rough night?"

"I'm bloody well giving up drinking," the downed giant said.

"What brought this on, I know I've seen you drink way more than last night."

"Well, apparently me pecker went out last night and won a contest but the little bastard won't tell me how he done it."

Filius opened his mouth to say something, then closed it. He repeated this about five times before he finally said, "Are you sure you're not a Lovegood?"


End file.
